My Favorite Christmas Movie

Let the record show that I don't want to be writing this right now. I'm starting this at 3:01am. I could be trying to sleep, or watching Alton Brown teach me how to make baklava. But because I feel guilty about not posting anything on Monday(There was a complaint, I'm not even kidding. Thanks, Dave) here we are with my epic piece on Die Hard. I use the term loosely as I'm not a proper journalist, I don't outline anything and I'm bad at finishing what I write. Its all very in depth and then I rush the ending because I lose focus. But look at this, a lead in, my first one ever. So here you have it, my reasons for Die Hard being my favorite Christmas movie ever...

We're closing in on the 20th anniversary of Die Hard's release in Argentina. Its only 12 days away, in fact. Why Argentina? Because Die Hard was released in the US on July 15, 1988, the 20th anniversary was nearly 5 months ago and this blog didn't exist then. I had just assumed it was released around the holiday season as its Christmas in the movie. Shows what I know. It might be too much of a stretch for me to celebrate the films Argentine(I prefer this term to Argentinian, though I'm not sure its correct at all) release, its December now and I think Christmas is a perfect reason. After all, the movie begins on Christmas eve, there's a Christmas party, and I generally hate holiday movies. You knew I wasn't going to pick Miracle on 34th Street, so I made Die Hard qualify.

For those unfamiliar with the film that don't want the end ruined, you've had 20 years to see it, and I'm going to talk about every second of it. So move it to number one on your Netflix queue, watch it tomorrow and then come back and read this. If you don't know if you want to see it, just know that its the greatest pure action movie of all time. I say pure action to separate it from war movies, dramas with explosions and super hero films. And I know that some people find the action genre off putting. After all, look at what its given us in recent years. The Condemned, The Marine, Max Payne, anything with Vin Diesel. As you can see, things can go pretty wrong pretty fast.

The problem these days is that we don't have a great action star. With all these superhero movies its the unlikely hero, starting with Toby McGuire in Spiderman, that has done away with the ultra-built, knuckle dragging types. We have Jason Statham but honestly, what are the chances of him doing something on the scale of Terminator or Predator? There just isn't an actor who could play a role convincingly enough to draw everyone in.

So what makes Die Hard different? Simply put, brilliant writing and absolutely perfect casting. Which wasn't the original plan.

I've said for a long time that I don't like Bruce Willis, but I love John McClane. Maybe not John McClain in Die Hard 2, and not really John McClane in Die Hard: With A Vengeance either. But 1988 John McClane is one of my favorite movie characters of all time. I'm not the only person who feels this way, either. Willis wasn't the studios first choice. In fact, according to IMDB, Arnold Scwarzenegger was the first choice. I think I could have tolerated that version, it would certainly lack authenticity because how many New York cops have Austrian accents? But certainly better than the other three actors that were awarded the role before it went to Willis.

The next choice was Sylvester Stallone. Granted, a massive star at the time, and inexplicably, still. Rambo and Rocky Balboa didn't turn out to be the dumpster fires that everyone expected them to be(but were by no means good) so somehow hes still relevant. I'm convinced this would have been a disaster. Stallone had just made three terrible films(Rocky IV, Cobra, Over the Top) and wouldn't have done much better with this. Just imagine watching him say all the lines on the radio to Hans and try not to cringe.

After that, and I swear I'm not making this up, you had Burt Reynolds, who would have just turned it into the mustachioed, swaggering fuckery that he does best. Or, once again, not kidding, Richard Gere. Which maybe just seems impossible to me seeing as I'm not old enough to remember his action past. When I think of him now, I think of Dr. T and the Women. But in 1986 Gere had played a maverick cop in No Mercy and presumably turned down Die Hard for that reason.

The studio was just afraid of the reaction Bruce Willis would get. In fact, they left his face off of the early posters because they were worried the Willis haters wouldn't see the film, it was added after the movies big opening. And people will yell at me when I say I hate Bruce Willis and they always justify it with "Dude...Die Hard" so I suppose he gets a lifetime pass. But look at what else hes done. You have the good(The Sixth Sense, the most forgettable part of Pulp Fiction), his bad (The Fifth Element, Armageddon, The Whole Ten Yards) and his complete, utter failures (The Kid, Hudson Hawk, Look Who's Talking, Look Who's Talking Too). So excuse me for disliking him the way I do. And lets not forget his foray into music.



As for the director, John McTiernan isn't one of the better know directors today, but he accomplished quite the feat in 1990. After directing Predator, Die Hard and The Hunt For Red October, he joined only Steven Spielberg(Raiders of the Lost Ark, E.T., Temple of Doom) as the only director to direct three straight $100 million+ films. He parlayed this success into stealing $5 million to direct Last Action Hero and finally murdered his career by directing Rollerball. But lets not focus on the negative, depressing present.

The two best casting decisions were both relatively unknown actors at the time. Alan Rickman, who had never done a film before, and Alexander Godunov, better known as a ballet dancer than an actor.

Rickman, of course, played Hans Gruber who is easily my favorite movie villian of all time. I've never made a definitive list but I know hes number one. The voice is the selling point, his delivery is wonderful and its because of a deformity he was born with. Rickman has that distinctive drawl because he was born with a very tight jaw. It took him years to be able to speak as normally as he can.

Hes a lot like George Clooney in the Oceans movies, just smarter and portrayed negatively. He also has no qualms about killing people, Clooney never seemed too interested in that. His ruthlessness is seen in what is perhaps his best line in the film "I wanted this to be professional, efficient, adroit, cooperative. Not a lot to ask. Alas, your Mr. Takagi did not see it that way... so he won't be joining us for the rest of his life."

Hans Gruber might be pure evil, veiled by his education and style, but you just love him. Hes so cool the entire time and despite Bruce Willis trying to destroy his plan he always has an answer. The same goes for Karl, hos main henchman played by the aforementioned Godunov. Hes a tall, imposing figure and the archetypal humorless model of East German efficency. He was a member of Baryshnikovs ballet troupe until, for seemingly no reason, he was kicked out in 1982. After that he turned to acting and won critical acclaim in Witness and was very funny as Max in The Money Pit. Its worth wondering where he went until you realize he died in 1995 from alcohol withdrawal. He turned down every role he was offered because everyone only wanted him to play Karl or a dancer.

And another reason that the terrorists are so likeable is because they aren't terrorists at all. Terrorists are pretty hard to like, even back then. So McTiernan turned it around. The original script called for them to be terrorist but he felt this was too dark. He made them bank robbers posing as terrorist to cover the fact that they're only in the building to steal $600 million from the vault. Everyone enjoys a robbery plot because at some point they considered it themselves. Terrorism? Not so much

Then theres the fact that police and media are such instant hate figures. With the exception of Reginald VelJohnson basically every other cop you see is a preening dickface. Starting with none other than the recently deceased Paul Gleason known best as Principal Vernon in the Breakfast Club, a movie I've never seen if you'd believe it. But he plays Deputy Chief Dwayne Robinson and is the typically condescending higher up to Officer Powell's everyman type. Throughout the movie Gleason actually becomes something of a sympathetic figure because he becomes powerless at the hands of the FBI and develops a sense of humor. I laugh everytime he very matter of factly says "We're gonna need more FBI guys, I guess." after both FBI agents die when their helicopter is shot down.

But the way the police become involved at all is my only point of contention with this movie. Maybe its just because I grew up in a post-9/11 world, but Bruce Willis does a great job of getting in contact law enforcement with a serious problem and they leave twice. It was a different time though, they show a gas station that sells regular gas for 74 cents. The Paranoia just wasn't there. The fake fire alarm is understandable, but when he gets on the roof and calls in a terrorist attack he is ignored. If someone in Los Angeles calls in a terror threat from a skyscraper today, fucking Delta Force would be on the roof in 90 seconds. The bitchy dispatch whore just tells McClane that "if you have an emergency you need to dial 911" to which he responds 'Does it sound like I'm tryin' to order a fucking pizza!?" followed by gunshots, her only reaction is to say "See if there's a black and white that can do a drive by."

I can only imagine that her character was fired after the end of the movie. In the alternate Die Hard universe, of course.

But every character has their complexities and almost no one is a cartoonish stereotype. Willis' estranged wife Holly(played by Bonnie Bedelia who now does Lifetime movies such as "A Mothers Right: The Elizabeth Morgan Story) is your strong, independent woman. Unafraid of Gruber and stands up for the hostages. There the comic relief on the terrorist end, Theo, their code breaker who has a constant commentary on the LAPDs ineptitude. And my favorite minor character, Argyle, the blissfully ignorant limo driver who picked up McClane from the airport and is waiting in the parking garage. It takes him about 90 minutes to realize that anything has happened at all. And the look of satisfaction on his face when he knocks out Theo is just outstanding.

The only complete stereotype in the film is Ellis, Holly's co-worker and the exact definition of a yuppie, right down to his coke problem. He gets a pass because of the negotiation scene with Hans but you have to think that if this movie were shot in New York he'd have left the party early because he had reservations at Dorcia.

Most importantly, John McClane isn't a stereotype. The opening few minutes make you worried. He seems like an uptight, uncool, bastard. The way he sits in the front seat of the limo or the way he is somewhat standoffish with Argyle. But he lightens up and you see his sense of humor come through, especially when talking to Hans. While corny at times it really humanizes him and its a nice departure from the mechanized destroyers like Arnold. There's also his conversation with Powell where he tells him what to say to Holly. "She's heard me say 'I love you' a thousand times, but she's never heard me say 'I'm sorry'". A scene which calls for tears. Certainly Stallone couldn't have done that in his late-80's heyday. Richard Gere for sure, but definitely not Stallone.

I said I'd describe every single detail of the movie but after coming this far it seems unnecessary. I've described all the reasons that I love it, and that was the point of doing this. Besides, I didn't want to write a book. But after reading this, if you don't feel compelled to watch it or didn't learn something, I'd be very surprised. I think I made a good case for its greatness, and I'm willing to call it the most entertaining movie of all time. A bold statement, but its true.

Not the best movie of all time. There's been better acting, better scripts, better directors. But pound for pound, nothing tops this on the entertainment scale. You're enthralled for the whole 132 minutes(an unheard of run time with current action schlock) and the ending leaves you perfectly satisfied.

And personally, writing this obsession piece about my un-ironic love of a late 80s action movie starring Bruce Willis makes me look like slightly less of a hipster douchebag, which I obviously am.