No choice but to get it on!
Hey you! Do you masturbate? Or should I ask if you used to masturbate but have freed yourself from this evil only by the grace of god?
Well if you want everyone to know that you abstain from something that 99% of humanity takes part in because of some insane superstition, this shirt is for you!
That's right, line up, because they're going to go fast. Say it loud, "I'm an Ex-Masturbator and I'm proud."
Now even though you're just as likely to grow hair on your palms or go blind from masturbating as you are to get into heaven, at least your tshirt will be all the rage at CreationFest.
05 February 2009
28 January 2009
Stuff
A Law and Order re-run is on mute behind me. Had this show, any of the versions, ended 5 years ago, I'd have been okay with it. I see that Jeremy Sisto is now in the cast, formerly of Six Feet Under. I never watched that show. But he's important because he was in a little known film that plays on Showtime every so often called Population 451 which also stars.....get ready.........keep anticipating........almost.........Fred Durst!
Yes, he plays Deputy Bobby...something, I forget. It doesn't matter. Its this awful thriller and has the worst ending I've ever seen. From what I've heard, I Know Who Killed Me has the worst ending of all time but I couldn't hang in for it. But I'm willing to put the end of this movie up against anything.
If you haven't guessed, there will be no central theme here. I've given you gold in my last three posts, this is undeniable. But no one has been reading, today we got as many hits from Australia as we did from America. Two from each, last I checked. I'll never stop being fascinated by where people are when they read this by accident. Someone from the Cornell University medical department read a post today, probably the smartest person that has ever done so. Unfortunately whoever it was stumbled upon my poorly written 30 Rock piece. Poor first impression.
I've tried to figure out what gets the people talking. The posts with the most comments thus far include last years best of, 9 comments. Then it was a discussion about a local porn star who will remain nameless, 7 comments. Rounding out the top 3 was a discussion about Family Guy with 6. So we're all over the place.
And I'm far too distracted to keep writing now. I've been drinking, you see. So now I'm ordering a pizza, and then I will read. Kristen bought me a book.
Yes, he plays Deputy Bobby...something, I forget. It doesn't matter. Its this awful thriller and has the worst ending I've ever seen. From what I've heard, I Know Who Killed Me has the worst ending of all time but I couldn't hang in for it. But I'm willing to put the end of this movie up against anything.
If you haven't guessed, there will be no central theme here. I've given you gold in my last three posts, this is undeniable. But no one has been reading, today we got as many hits from Australia as we did from America. Two from each, last I checked. I'll never stop being fascinated by where people are when they read this by accident. Someone from the Cornell University medical department read a post today, probably the smartest person that has ever done so. Unfortunately whoever it was stumbled upon my poorly written 30 Rock piece. Poor first impression.
I've tried to figure out what gets the people talking. The posts with the most comments thus far include last years best of, 9 comments. Then it was a discussion about a local porn star who will remain nameless, 7 comments. Rounding out the top 3 was a discussion about Family Guy with 6. So we're all over the place.
And I'm far too distracted to keep writing now. I've been drinking, you see. So now I'm ordering a pizza, and then I will read. Kristen bought me a book.
27 January 2009
"We have a love/eight relationship."
And in the spirit of starting with two straight Simpson's references, John Updike, ghostwriter of Krusty the Clown's autobiography, has died. He will be missed. I've never read any of his work though I'm sure its fine stuff, as I hear his name often.
In other interesting news, we had our first hit from Romania today, someone in Cluj. Cluj gave Chelsea quite a run for their money in the Champions League group stages, so good for them. Worryingly, however, is that this guy stumbled upon us by googling "digestion humorless."
Perhaps hes onto something...
Lastly, if you direct your attention to the links on the left, we have a Twitter now. Uh...I don't know why, honestly. I had some free time. So if you want to see what is essentially a bunch of unimaginative, unfunny Facebook status updates, click away. It passes the time.
So, as most of you probably heard yesterday, a woman in California gave birth to eight kids. Obviously I think this is horrifying. We glorify these things now when we should be doing the exact opposite, its needless. Now I'm sure this woman didn't set out to have eight children but she should be forced to pick the four that will survive, and the rest will be put down. Just because she irresponsibly scarfed down fertility drugs like a retard on pudding day doesn't make her a hero. But she'll be treated as one, and she'll probably get a show on TLC.
Now in fairness, this was basically an accident. She isn't as bad as that insufferable Duggar family. You know, 18 kids and counting? It was 17 but that bitch had another one. Worse yet, their oldest son got married to a girl that he never kissed, because he was raised in what is essentially a religious cult. I'm not sure what TLC wants us to think, it seems like they're just playing it as a straight documentary in order to outrage the viewing public. Sort of like My Super Sweet Sixteen which is nothing short of an abomination, but you knew that.
In an ideal world, we would live under an extremely oppressive government that has developed the technology to control reproduction and if you wanted a child you have to apply. You have to make a certain amount of credits a year(remember, its the future) to ensure that you can provide for it, as well as a physical and mental evaluation. If you pass that, then and only then will you be able to have a child. One single child, we'll have the technology. You must resubmit your claim for each subsequent child, and only in the event of your child's death will you be able to have more than two.
Every child is not special, because that would mean none are special. And some grow up to be Heidi Montag, there are no excuses for that.
In other interesting news, we had our first hit from Romania today, someone in Cluj. Cluj gave Chelsea quite a run for their money in the Champions League group stages, so good for them. Worryingly, however, is that this guy stumbled upon us by googling "digestion humorless."
Perhaps hes onto something...
Lastly, if you direct your attention to the links on the left, we have a Twitter now. Uh...I don't know why, honestly. I had some free time. So if you want to see what is essentially a bunch of unimaginative, unfunny Facebook status updates, click away. It passes the time.
So, as most of you probably heard yesterday, a woman in California gave birth to eight kids. Obviously I think this is horrifying. We glorify these things now when we should be doing the exact opposite, its needless. Now I'm sure this woman didn't set out to have eight children but she should be forced to pick the four that will survive, and the rest will be put down. Just because she irresponsibly scarfed down fertility drugs like a retard on pudding day doesn't make her a hero. But she'll be treated as one, and she'll probably get a show on TLC.
Now in fairness, this was basically an accident. She isn't as bad as that insufferable Duggar family. You know, 18 kids and counting? It was 17 but that bitch had another one. Worse yet, their oldest son got married to a girl that he never kissed, because he was raised in what is essentially a religious cult. I'm not sure what TLC wants us to think, it seems like they're just playing it as a straight documentary in order to outrage the viewing public. Sort of like My Super Sweet Sixteen which is nothing short of an abomination, but you knew that.
In an ideal world, we would live under an extremely oppressive government that has developed the technology to control reproduction and if you wanted a child you have to apply. You have to make a certain amount of credits a year(remember, its the future) to ensure that you can provide for it, as well as a physical and mental evaluation. If you pass that, then and only then will you be able to have a child. One single child, we'll have the technology. You must resubmit your claim for each subsequent child, and only in the event of your child's death will you be able to have more than two.
Every child is not special, because that would mean none are special. And some grow up to be Heidi Montag, there are no excuses for that.
26 January 2009
The Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson
Religion can turn some people crazy, and some people, well, they were just crazy to begin with.
Case in point, David Leibe Hart. You may know him from two episodes of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! He's the guy with the puppets who sings. What most of us that don't live in or around Los Angeles don't know is that hes had a show out there on cable access for nearly 20 years.
This show....I really don't know what to say about it. I think if someone were doing it with the intent to be funny it'd be horrible. It is honestly nothing short of spectacular, though I'd suggest watching it in short bursts. A full hour might kill you.
This clip from Screenwipe(still the best show you've never heard of, all 5 seasons are on youtube) describes it very well, and most of my thoughts only echo Andy Nyman's. So instead of ripping off every word he says, I'll just link the video.
The best part about it is that there are hours of this stuff online. 20 minute segments of a puppet and an old man sitting reading the bible aloud, much like you would in 4th grade when you go around the room reading from a text book. Its also just as exciting. Boring as those clips may be, you can't help but to be fascinated by the absurdity of what you're watching. These are the ramblings of a mad man. A man who believes he was abducted by aliens teaching children to avoid crack cocaine.
Its outright lunacy, is what it is. And you know I don't like to over hype things in fear of letting people down, I can get carried away with how good I think something is. This is not the case with The Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson. You can't possibly set someones expectations too high, because no one has ever seen anything like this.
Examples...
- A puppet named Chip the Black Boy
- A man with a guitar that he can't play and isn't in tune
- Chip's puppet wife leaves him for another man and develops a crack habit
- Satanic clown wearing a fez playing accordion
- Everything looks superimposed over an acid trip
Clicking these links will probably be the best decision you make this month, perhaps even this year. That's saying something, we've got 11 months to go.
Case in point, David Leibe Hart. You may know him from two episodes of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! He's the guy with the puppets who sings. What most of us that don't live in or around Los Angeles don't know is that hes had a show out there on cable access for nearly 20 years.
This show....I really don't know what to say about it. I think if someone were doing it with the intent to be funny it'd be horrible. It is honestly nothing short of spectacular, though I'd suggest watching it in short bursts. A full hour might kill you.
This clip from Screenwipe(still the best show you've never heard of, all 5 seasons are on youtube) describes it very well, and most of my thoughts only echo Andy Nyman's. So instead of ripping off every word he says, I'll just link the video.
The best part about it is that there are hours of this stuff online. 20 minute segments of a puppet and an old man sitting reading the bible aloud, much like you would in 4th grade when you go around the room reading from a text book. Its also just as exciting. Boring as those clips may be, you can't help but to be fascinated by the absurdity of what you're watching. These are the ramblings of a mad man. A man who believes he was abducted by aliens teaching children to avoid crack cocaine.
Its outright lunacy, is what it is. And you know I don't like to over hype things in fear of letting people down, I can get carried away with how good I think something is. This is not the case with The Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson. You can't possibly set someones expectations too high, because no one has ever seen anything like this.
Examples...
- A puppet named Chip the Black Boy
- A man with a guitar that he can't play and isn't in tune
- Chip's puppet wife leaves him for another man and develops a crack habit
- Satanic clown wearing a fez playing accordion
- Everything looks superimposed over an acid trip
Clicking these links will probably be the best decision you make this month, perhaps even this year. That's saying something, we've got 11 months to go.
23 January 2009
I'm Offended
I think I was going to write this on Monday but I didn't have enough material, I've got what I need now. So heres some things that prove that you don't need to be a minority to be upset by the words of others.
1.) The wheelchair community is angry.
"As for Cheney(fine article in The Guardian about him fighting with Bush in the final days), he attracted various arch valedictions after he appeared on Inauguration Day in a wheelchair, having apparently strained his back while filling a removal box. Comparisons with Dr Strangelove were criticised by members of the US disabled community who said it reflected unfairly on wheelchair users."
Apparently the dissenters from the US disabled community aren't only physically handicapped but mentally as well. Speaking vegetables, really. They have no sense of humor, frame of reference or appreciation for taking one last jab at one of the most evil men to ever be elected to public office. Cheney did shit that would make Caligula cringe, and no one in a wheelchair thought it was funny to compare him to a famous evil and crazy character that also happened to be in a wheelchair?
They also may have been Republicans, in which case this would all make sense. They probably haven't seen Dr. Strangelove, they're too busy watching Delta Farce on a loop. I'm sure they'd laugh if theres wheelchair bound people in that because if its a Mexican in a wheelchair, game on.
2.) This Pepsi ad
I don't know if The Who just signed an awful record deal or are too old to care, but their music has been used in some really shit projects. All the CSI's and now this.
I love advertising, for the most part. I'm a complete brand whore, regardless of what it is I'm doing. I won't settle for owning the second best, or what is perceived to be second best. Its a complete waste of money. Nike does it best, their commercials are more inspirational than Jesus, and in some cases, the coolest fucking commercial of all-time. But Pepsi gets it wrong.
They try to make it seem like they were instrumental in all these generational transitions when in truth they're only instrumental in getting diabetes.
3.) Another attempt at an AbFab remake
I like my fair share of really gay things, Absolutely Fabulous is one of them. Call it a guilty pleasure. No young, straight man should enjoy a show about single, drunk women in their 40s. But the characters are incredible and like with most great comedies its not about punch lines, just pure absurdity.
Middle America hates absurdity. They want a bitchy mom, oafish father, a daughter with a "whatever" attitude and wacky neighbor. Oh, and a laugh track, how would they know whats funny if not for that? America will murder Absolutely Fabulous, just like they tried to murder Spaced. Hopefully they'll never get the chance. They tried it once before and it failed, that should have been a hint.
4.) 100-0 girls basketball game
So who's fault is this one? At first I thought blamed the coach of the losing team for not pulling his girls off the court. Kind of like a Bad News Bears situation when they were losing 22-0 to the Yankees in the first inning. Then I read this...
"Dallas Academy has eight girls on its varsity team and about 20 girls in its high school. It is winless over the last four seasons. The academy boasts of its small class sizes and specializes in teaching students struggling with "learning differences," such as short attention spans or dyslexia."
Its a team thats 5 players short and full of kids with kindly worded "learning differences!" Jesus Christ. They played a full court press against them and were still hitting 3's in the 4th quarter! The Covenant School's coach had to know that going in. I know about trap games, I know that you have to be ready for every opponent regardless of how bad they're playing, but theres a line. I think that line is crossed when you beat up on a team that hasn't won in 4 years and is reading on a 3rd grade level. They're willing to forfeit the win but that means the losing teams only win in the last 4 seasons has been a forfeit because a team that killed them felt bad about it afterwards. Hows that for building self esteem?
The glory in all this is that its one more black eye for women's team sports. And as an outspoken critic, I'm glad the last three stories involving girls basketball have included Imus, Candice Parker's fight and now this.
I promise you an awesome post the day the WNBA goes down in flames.
1.) The wheelchair community is angry.
"As for Cheney(fine article in The Guardian about him fighting with Bush in the final days), he attracted various arch valedictions after he appeared on Inauguration Day in a wheelchair, having apparently strained his back while filling a removal box. Comparisons with Dr Strangelove were criticised by members of the US disabled community who said it reflected unfairly on wheelchair users."
Apparently the dissenters from the US disabled community aren't only physically handicapped but mentally as well. Speaking vegetables, really. They have no sense of humor, frame of reference or appreciation for taking one last jab at one of the most evil men to ever be elected to public office. Cheney did shit that would make Caligula cringe, and no one in a wheelchair thought it was funny to compare him to a famous evil and crazy character that also happened to be in a wheelchair?
They also may have been Republicans, in which case this would all make sense. They probably haven't seen Dr. Strangelove, they're too busy watching Delta Farce on a loop. I'm sure they'd laugh if theres wheelchair bound people in that because if its a Mexican in a wheelchair, game on.
2.) This Pepsi ad
I don't know if The Who just signed an awful record deal or are too old to care, but their music has been used in some really shit projects. All the CSI's and now this.
I love advertising, for the most part. I'm a complete brand whore, regardless of what it is I'm doing. I won't settle for owning the second best, or what is perceived to be second best. Its a complete waste of money. Nike does it best, their commercials are more inspirational than Jesus, and in some cases, the coolest fucking commercial of all-time. But Pepsi gets it wrong.
They try to make it seem like they were instrumental in all these generational transitions when in truth they're only instrumental in getting diabetes.
3.) Another attempt at an AbFab remake
I like my fair share of really gay things, Absolutely Fabulous is one of them. Call it a guilty pleasure. No young, straight man should enjoy a show about single, drunk women in their 40s. But the characters are incredible and like with most great comedies its not about punch lines, just pure absurdity.
Middle America hates absurdity. They want a bitchy mom, oafish father, a daughter with a "whatever" attitude and wacky neighbor. Oh, and a laugh track, how would they know whats funny if not for that? America will murder Absolutely Fabulous, just like they tried to murder Spaced. Hopefully they'll never get the chance. They tried it once before and it failed, that should have been a hint.
4.) 100-0 girls basketball game
So who's fault is this one? At first I thought blamed the coach of the losing team for not pulling his girls off the court. Kind of like a Bad News Bears situation when they were losing 22-0 to the Yankees in the first inning. Then I read this...
"Dallas Academy has eight girls on its varsity team and about 20 girls in its high school. It is winless over the last four seasons. The academy boasts of its small class sizes and specializes in teaching students struggling with "learning differences," such as short attention spans or dyslexia."
Its a team thats 5 players short and full of kids with kindly worded "learning differences!" Jesus Christ. They played a full court press against them and were still hitting 3's in the 4th quarter! The Covenant School's coach had to know that going in. I know about trap games, I know that you have to be ready for every opponent regardless of how bad they're playing, but theres a line. I think that line is crossed when you beat up on a team that hasn't won in 4 years and is reading on a 3rd grade level. They're willing to forfeit the win but that means the losing teams only win in the last 4 seasons has been a forfeit because a team that killed them felt bad about it afterwards. Hows that for building self esteem?
The glory in all this is that its one more black eye for women's team sports. And as an outspoken critic, I'm glad the last three stories involving girls basketball have included Imus, Candice Parker's fight and now this.
I promise you an awesome post the day the WNBA goes down in flames.
21 January 2009
Morning News
I'd like to be writing this later, maybe around 8 so it would look like I just got up. But you know better when someone is posting at 5:21, I haven't gone to sleep. I know that I'm up to late when the sprinklers come on outside, they're what disappointment sounds like. But I can't go to sleep yet, I have to let this chili settle. That is to say that I heated up some chili about 45 minutes ago.
Jesus Christ. I'm not even drunk.
Stranger yet, I heated it up in a mug. Perhaps to limit the amount I could cook and subsequently jam down my stupid face.
But there is actual things to discuss this morning besides poor sleep patterns and worse dietary habits, oh yes. We have a new addition to the staff.
James Dunphy is a writer who is a fan of the low end of the spectrum, much like myself. But where I'm more attracted MTV/vomit inducing celebrity end, he covers a more G4 end. Hes big on things along the lines of wrestling, anime and Magic: The Gathering which I tolerate, dislike and like but never really played much in that order. Regardless, there are holes in my coverage of low culture and he can plug some of the gaps. Besides, he takes some of the work load off me which is nice on one hand but on the other now I don't have an excuse for mailing it in anymore.
He tends to go more in depth than me, I'll chalk that up to what is likely a better attention span. So if you've ever left wanting more here, that will be taken care of here on Thursdays from now on. So starting tomorrow be sure to check out what James has to say and if you'd like to familiarize yourself with some of his past work just click the link to his personal blog, King of Ants, on the left of the screen.
The tragedy of this is that there are only seven people who have ever commented on this blog, including myself and now four of them write for it. We really need to branch out.
And if you're going to click the link over on the left to James blog, or in the event that you've just skipped to this part for whatever reason, please take note of the other new link. Thats right, Chocolate Leg starts today as well. Its my side project, so to speak. It'll be slightly more personal, not in a "I sat in bed last night wondering if I've ever been truly happy" kind of way, more of a shit that no one else is interested in reading kind of way. My random thoughts about Arsenal or a gas station or my cat. Check it out if you'd like, I don't know if it'll be an everyday thing but its there for whenever you're desperate.
You might also be wondering if my chili anecdotes will be moving to that blog. The answer is no, this is where those belong. Those are gold.
Jesus Christ. I'm not even drunk.
Stranger yet, I heated it up in a mug. Perhaps to limit the amount I could cook and subsequently jam down my stupid face.
But there is actual things to discuss this morning besides poor sleep patterns and worse dietary habits, oh yes. We have a new addition to the staff.
James Dunphy is a writer who is a fan of the low end of the spectrum, much like myself. But where I'm more attracted MTV/vomit inducing celebrity end, he covers a more G4 end. Hes big on things along the lines of wrestling, anime and Magic: The Gathering which I tolerate, dislike and like but never really played much in that order. Regardless, there are holes in my coverage of low culture and he can plug some of the gaps. Besides, he takes some of the work load off me which is nice on one hand but on the other now I don't have an excuse for mailing it in anymore.
He tends to go more in depth than me, I'll chalk that up to what is likely a better attention span. So if you've ever left wanting more here, that will be taken care of here on Thursdays from now on. So starting tomorrow be sure to check out what James has to say and if you'd like to familiarize yourself with some of his past work just click the link to his personal blog, King of Ants, on the left of the screen.
The tragedy of this is that there are only seven people who have ever commented on this blog, including myself and now four of them write for it. We really need to branch out.
And if you're going to click the link over on the left to James blog, or in the event that you've just skipped to this part for whatever reason, please take note of the other new link. Thats right, Chocolate Leg starts today as well. Its my side project, so to speak. It'll be slightly more personal, not in a "I sat in bed last night wondering if I've ever been truly happy" kind of way, more of a shit that no one else is interested in reading kind of way. My random thoughts about Arsenal or a gas station or my cat. Check it out if you'd like, I don't know if it'll be an everyday thing but its there for whenever you're desperate.
You might also be wondering if my chili anecdotes will be moving to that blog. The answer is no, this is where those belong. Those are gold.
20 January 2009
44
Keith Olbermann keeps saying "puckish."
I'm watching inauguration coverage on MSNBC, my preferred news outlet as I am a despicable, godless, pinko commie little shit. But thats okay now, its acceptable in our new left wing America where you don't get told to move to France if you aren't happy with torture or wire tapping or banks stealing all of your money. Its amazing how many places still probably sell "Freedom Fries," the mongoloids.
Speaking of patriotism, and mongoloids, today is about Alex Rodriguez. He's a polarizing figure, an undeniable talent and a Grade-A prat.
The World Baseball Classic really isn't that big of a deal now. Not on the level of Olympic Basketball and nowhere even close to the World Cup or European Championships. But Alex Rodriguez played for the United States in the first one and now hes playing for the Dominican Republic this year. How does that work? I might be wrong, but I'm nearly positive that hes half Dominican/half Puerto Rican which gives him the option to play for any of the three countries. But if you've already picked one you can't just switch in the middle. This is another reason that hes a tool. Look at this quote about him being a magnet for criticism...
"When people write [bad things] about me, I don't know if it's [because] I'm good-looking, I'm biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team."
These are truly the words of an asshole. He doesn't come off as very intelligent or reflective, nor does he seem to have any self awareness. So Alex Rodriguez, because I'm sure you're reading, allow me to explain. People hate you because you're a purple-lipped douchebag who cheats on his wife and country and opted out of a $25 million a year contract so you could get a $27 million a year contract. Also, your highlights have been ugly for the better part of 10 years.
I'm really not a patriotic person at all, but I can't help but to take exception to the fact that he played for the United States, wore the uniform, wore the flag, and is now playing for a different country. Its hard to be surprised though, its only ever been about him. Hes not much for commitment, just ask his ex-wife.
I'm watching inauguration coverage on MSNBC, my preferred news outlet as I am a despicable, godless, pinko commie little shit. But thats okay now, its acceptable in our new left wing America where you don't get told to move to France if you aren't happy with torture or wire tapping or banks stealing all of your money. Its amazing how many places still probably sell "Freedom Fries," the mongoloids.
Speaking of patriotism, and mongoloids, today is about Alex Rodriguez. He's a polarizing figure, an undeniable talent and a Grade-A prat.
The World Baseball Classic really isn't that big of a deal now. Not on the level of Olympic Basketball and nowhere even close to the World Cup or European Championships. But Alex Rodriguez played for the United States in the first one and now hes playing for the Dominican Republic this year. How does that work? I might be wrong, but I'm nearly positive that hes half Dominican/half Puerto Rican which gives him the option to play for any of the three countries. But if you've already picked one you can't just switch in the middle. This is another reason that hes a tool. Look at this quote about him being a magnet for criticism...
"When people write [bad things] about me, I don't know if it's [because] I'm good-looking, I'm biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team."
These are truly the words of an asshole. He doesn't come off as very intelligent or reflective, nor does he seem to have any self awareness. So Alex Rodriguez, because I'm sure you're reading, allow me to explain. People hate you because you're a purple-lipped douchebag who cheats on his wife and country and opted out of a $25 million a year contract so you could get a $27 million a year contract. Also, your highlights have been ugly for the better part of 10 years.
I'm really not a patriotic person at all, but I can't help but to take exception to the fact that he played for the United States, wore the uniform, wore the flag, and is now playing for a different country. Its hard to be surprised though, its only ever been about him. Hes not much for commitment, just ask his ex-wife.
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