Stuff

A Law and Order re-run is on mute behind me. Had this show, any of the versions, ended 5 years ago, I'd have been okay with it. I see that Jeremy Sisto is now in the cast, formerly of Six Feet Under. I never watched that show. But he's important because he was in a little known film that plays on Showtime every so often called Population 451 which also stars.....get ready.........keep anticipating........almost.........Fred Durst!

Yes, he plays Deputy Bobby...something, I forget. It doesn't matter. Its this awful thriller and has the worst ending I've ever seen. From what I've heard, I Know Who Killed Me has the worst ending of all time but I couldn't hang in for it. But I'm willing to put the end of this movie up against anything.

If you haven't guessed, there will be no central theme here. I've given you gold in my last three posts, this is undeniable. But no one has been reading, today we got as many hits from Australia as we did from America. Two from each, last I checked. I'll never stop being fascinated by where people are when they read this by accident. Someone from the Cornell University medical department read a post today, probably the smartest person that has ever done so. Unfortunately whoever it was stumbled upon my poorly written 30 Rock piece. Poor first impression.

I've tried to figure out what gets the people talking. The posts with the most comments thus far include last years best of, 9 comments. Then it was a discussion about a local porn star who will remain nameless, 7 comments. Rounding out the top 3 was a discussion about Family Guy with 6. So we're all over the place.

And I'm far too distracted to keep writing now. I've been drinking, you see. So now I'm ordering a pizza, and then I will read. Kristen bought me a book.

"We have a love/eight relationship."

And in the spirit of starting with two straight Simpson's references, John Updike, ghostwriter of Krusty the Clown's autobiography, has died. He will be missed. I've never read any of his work though I'm sure its fine stuff, as I hear his name often.

In other interesting news, we had our first hit from Romania today, someone in Cluj. Cluj gave Chelsea quite a run for their money in the Champions League group stages, so good for them. Worryingly, however, is that this guy stumbled upon us by googling "digestion humorless."

Perhaps hes onto something...

Lastly, if you direct your attention to the links on the left, we have a Twitter now. Uh...I don't know why, honestly. I had some free time. So if you want to see what is essentially a bunch of unimaginative, unfunny Facebook status updates, click away. It passes the time.

So, as most of you probably heard yesterday, a woman in California gave birth to eight kids. Obviously I think this is horrifying. We glorify these things now when we should be doing the exact opposite, its needless. Now I'm sure this woman didn't set out to have eight children but she should be forced to pick the four that will survive, and the rest will be put down. Just because she irresponsibly scarfed down fertility drugs like a retard on pudding day doesn't make her a hero. But she'll be treated as one, and she'll probably get a show on TLC.

Now in fairness, this was basically an accident. She isn't as bad as that insufferable Duggar family. You know, 18 kids and counting? It was 17 but that bitch had another one. Worse yet, their oldest son got married to a girl that he never kissed, because he was raised in what is essentially a religious cult. I'm not sure what TLC wants us to think, it seems like they're just playing it as a straight documentary in order to outrage the viewing public. Sort of like My Super Sweet Sixteen which is nothing short of an abomination, but you knew that.

In an ideal world, we would live under an extremely oppressive government that has developed the technology to control reproduction and if you wanted a child you have to apply. You have to make a certain amount of credits a year(remember, its the future) to ensure that you can provide for it, as well as a physical and mental evaluation. If you pass that, then and only then will you be able to have a child. One single child, we'll have the technology. You must resubmit your claim for each subsequent child, and only in the event of your child's death will you be able to have more than two.

Every child is not special, because that would mean none are special. And some grow up to be Heidi Montag, there are no excuses for that.

The Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson

Religion can turn some people crazy, and some people, well, they were just crazy to begin with.

Case in point, David Leibe Hart. You may know him from two episodes of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! He's the guy with the puppets who sings. What most of us that don't live in or around Los Angeles don't know is that hes had a show out there on cable access for nearly 20 years.

This show....I really don't know what to say about it. I think if someone were doing it with the intent to be funny it'd be horrible. It is honestly nothing short of spectacular, though I'd suggest watching it in short bursts. A full hour might kill you.

This clip from Screenwipe(still the best show you've never heard of, all 5 seasons are on youtube) describes it very well, and most of my thoughts only echo Andy Nyman's. So instead of ripping off every word he says, I'll just link the video.

The best part about it is that there are hours of this stuff online. 20 minute segments of a puppet and an old man sitting reading the bible aloud, much like you would in 4th grade when you go around the room reading from a text book. Its also just as exciting. Boring as those clips may be, you can't help but to be fascinated by the absurdity of what you're watching. These are the ramblings of a mad man. A man who believes he was abducted by aliens teaching children to avoid crack cocaine.

Its outright lunacy, is what it is. And you know I don't like to over hype things in fear of letting people down, I can get carried away with how good I think something is. This is not the case with The Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson. You can't possibly set someones expectations too high, because no one has ever seen anything like this.

Examples...

- A puppet named Chip the Black Boy
- A man with a guitar that he can't play and isn't in tune
- Chip's puppet wife leaves him for another man and develops a crack habit
- Satanic clown wearing a fez playing accordion
- Everything looks superimposed over an acid trip

Clicking these links will probably be the best decision you make this month, perhaps even this year. That's saying something, we've got 11 months to go.

I'm Offended

I think I was going to write this on Monday but I didn't have enough material, I've got what I need now. So heres some things that prove that you don't need to be a minority to be upset by the words of others.

1.) The wheelchair community is angry.

"As for Cheney(fine article in The Guardian about him fighting with Bush in the final days), he attracted various arch valedictions after he appeared on Inauguration Day in a wheelchair, having apparently strained his back while filling a removal box. Comparisons with Dr Strangelove were criticised by members of the US disabled community who said it reflected unfairly on wheelchair users."

Apparently the dissenters from the US disabled community aren't only physically handicapped but mentally as well. Speaking vegetables, really. They have no sense of humor, frame of reference or appreciation for taking one last jab at one of the most evil men to ever be elected to public office. Cheney did shit that would make Caligula cringe, and no one in a wheelchair thought it was funny to compare him to a famous evil and crazy character that also happened to be in a wheelchair?

They also may have been Republicans, in which case this would all make sense. They probably haven't seen Dr. Strangelove, they're too busy watching Delta Farce on a loop. I'm sure they'd laugh if theres wheelchair bound people in that because if its a Mexican in a wheelchair, game on.

2.) This Pepsi ad

I don't know if The Who just signed an awful record deal or are too old to care, but their music has been used in some really shit projects. All the CSI's and now this.

I love advertising, for the most part. I'm a complete brand whore, regardless of what it is I'm doing. I won't settle for owning the second best, or what is perceived to be second best. Its a complete waste of money. Nike does it best, their commercials are more inspirational than Jesus, and in some cases, the coolest fucking commercial of all-time. But Pepsi gets it wrong.

They try to make it seem like they were instrumental in all these generational transitions when in truth they're only instrumental in getting diabetes.

3.) Another attempt at an AbFab remake

I like my fair share of really gay things, Absolutely Fabulous is one of them. Call it a guilty pleasure. No young, straight man should enjoy a show about single, drunk women in their 40s. But the characters are incredible and like with most great comedies its not about punch lines, just pure absurdity.

Middle America hates absurdity. They want a bitchy mom, oafish father, a daughter with a "whatever" attitude and wacky neighbor. Oh, and a laugh track, how would they know whats funny if not for that? America will murder Absolutely Fabulous, just like they tried to murder Spaced. Hopefully they'll never get the chance. They tried it once before and it failed, that should have been a hint.

4.) 100-0 girls basketball game

So who's fault is this one? At first I thought blamed the coach of the losing team for not pulling his girls off the court. Kind of like a Bad News Bears situation when they were losing 22-0 to the Yankees in the first inning. Then I read this...

"Dallas Academy has eight girls on its varsity team and about 20 girls in its high school. It is winless over the last four seasons. The academy boasts of its small class sizes and specializes in teaching students struggling with "learning differences," such as short attention spans or dyslexia."

Its a team thats 5 players short and full of kids with kindly worded "learning differences!" Jesus Christ. They played a full court press against them and were still hitting 3's in the 4th quarter! The Covenant School's coach had to know that going in. I know about trap games, I know that you have to be ready for every opponent regardless of how bad they're playing, but theres a line. I think that line is crossed when you beat up on a team that hasn't won in 4 years and is reading on a 3rd grade level. They're willing to forfeit the win but that means the losing teams only win in the last 4 seasons has been a forfeit because a team that killed them felt bad about it afterwards. Hows that for building self esteem?

The glory in all this is that its one more black eye for women's team sports. And as an outspoken critic, I'm glad the last three stories involving girls basketball have included Imus, Candice Parker's fight and now this.

I promise you an awesome post the day the WNBA goes down in flames.

Morning News

I'd like to be writing this later, maybe around 8 so it would look like I just got up. But you know better when someone is posting at 5:21, I haven't gone to sleep. I know that I'm up to late when the sprinklers come on outside, they're what disappointment sounds like. But I can't go to sleep yet, I have to let this chili settle. That is to say that I heated up some chili about 45 minutes ago.

Jesus Christ. I'm not even drunk.

Stranger yet, I heated it up in a mug. Perhaps to limit the amount I could cook and subsequently jam down my stupid face.

But there is actual things to discuss this morning besides poor sleep patterns and worse dietary habits, oh yes. We have a new addition to the staff.

James Dunphy is a writer who is a fan of the low end of the spectrum, much like myself. But where I'm more attracted MTV/vomit inducing celebrity end, he covers a more G4 end. Hes big on things along the lines of wrestling, anime and Magic: The Gathering which I tolerate, dislike and like but never really played much in that order. Regardless, there are holes in my coverage of low culture and he can plug some of the gaps. Besides, he takes some of the work load off me which is nice on one hand but on the other now I don't have an excuse for mailing it in anymore.

He tends to go more in depth than me, I'll chalk that up to what is likely a better attention span. So if you've ever left wanting more here, that will be taken care of here on Thursdays from now on. So starting tomorrow be sure to check out what James has to say and if you'd like to familiarize yourself with some of his past work just click the link to his personal blog, King of Ants, on the left of the screen.

The tragedy of this is that there are only seven people who have ever commented on this blog, including myself and now four of them write for it. We really need to branch out.

And if you're going to click the link over on the left to James blog, or in the event that you've just skipped to this part for whatever reason, please take note of the other new link. Thats right, Chocolate Leg starts today as well. Its my side project, so to speak. It'll be slightly more personal, not in a "I sat in bed last night wondering if I've ever been truly happy" kind of way, more of a shit that no one else is interested in reading kind of way. My random thoughts about Arsenal or a gas station or my cat. Check it out if you'd like, I don't know if it'll be an everyday thing but its there for whenever you're desperate.

You might also be wondering if my chili anecdotes will be moving to that blog. The answer is no, this is where those belong. Those are gold.

44

Keith Olbermann keeps saying "puckish."

I'm watching inauguration coverage on MSNBC, my preferred news outlet as I am a despicable, godless, pinko commie little shit. But thats okay now, its acceptable in our new left wing America where you don't get told to move to France if you aren't happy with torture or wire tapping or banks stealing all of your money. Its amazing how many places still probably sell "Freedom Fries," the mongoloids.

Speaking of patriotism, and mongoloids, today is about Alex Rodriguez. He's a polarizing figure, an undeniable talent and a Grade-A prat.

The World Baseball Classic really isn't that big of a deal now. Not on the level of Olympic Basketball and nowhere even close to the World Cup or European Championships. But Alex Rodriguez played for the United States in the first one and now hes playing for the Dominican Republic this year. How does that work? I might be wrong, but I'm nearly positive that hes half Dominican/half Puerto Rican which gives him the option to play for any of the three countries. But if you've already picked one you can't just switch in the middle. This is another reason that hes a tool. Look at this quote about him being a magnet for criticism...

"When people write [bad things] about me, I don't know if it's [because] I'm good-looking, I'm biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team."

These are truly the words of an asshole. He doesn't come off as very intelligent or reflective, nor does he seem to have any self awareness. So Alex Rodriguez, because I'm sure you're reading, allow me to explain. People hate you because you're a purple-lipped douchebag who cheats on his wife and country and opted out of a $25 million a year contract so you could get a $27 million a year contract. Also, your highlights have been ugly for the better part of 10 years.

I'm really not a patriotic person at all, but I can't help but to take exception to the fact that he played for the United States, wore the uniform, wore the flag, and is now playing for a different country. Its hard to be surprised though, its only ever been about him. Hes not much for commitment, just ask his ex-wife.

The Super Early Vol. 2

This isn't a real post, I mean, its not going to be more than 300 words. Theres going to be a real post later about things that offend me, as for now, heres something I've stumbled upon.

I'm doing this at 5:31am.

I'm on the Wikipedia for Leon Czolgosz, you may know him as the man who killed William McKinley(as if he were famous for other reasons), I found this paragraph to be pretty awesome.

"His last words were "I killed the President because he was the enemy of the good people – the good working people. I am not sorry for my crime."[7] As the prison guards strapped him into the chair, however, he did say through clenched teeth, "I am sorry I could not see my father."[7] His brain was autopsied by Edward Anthony Spitzka. Sulfuric acid was thrown into his coffin so that his body would be completely disfigured, resulting in its decomposition within twelve hours.[13] His letters and clothes were burned."

Right there you have a man who is unapologetic about killing the president, him being killed in the electric chair, sulfuric acid being thrown on his body and all his shit being burned. 1901 was a bad ass time.

Thank god I wasn't around, I would have lost a lot of fights. Probably while working at the textile factory, those were big back then.

FFCAAC:GRS's:PRESENTS: Suicide Tips

Go to the "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" IMDb board.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1114740/

That should be motivation enough to take your own life. It should be noted that to achieve the level of depression necessary to kill yourself, you should click on every link to a youtube page or a personal blog or webpage. I'm sure you already know these people suck but I'm the one with the blog. And I'm incredibly uncreative at the moment.

fuck. I'm sorry.

Christian Movie Reviews

Far be it from me to besmirch the good name of many religious people, many people of faith quietly go about their day without trying to fuck up anyone elses. As an Atheist, I feel that its important to stay out of everything. If you're an Atheist and you're going out of your way to try to prove that you're right, you're doing it wrong. Thanks for you work Richard Dawkins, but I believe it was the Methodist church that just thanked you for your "continued interest in god," which was actually pretty funny coming from them.

Here's what I'm getting at, 18 people wrote to the FCC to complain about Darren Aronofsky giving Mickey Rourke the finger at the Golden Globes. No doubt they all consider themselves good Christians.

My main problem is that anyone would bother with this. Secondly, why would anyones children be watching the Golden Globes? To see who Anne Hathaway was wearing? Yes, many 8 year olds have been thinking long and hard about just that. In fact, I'd argue that some of the dresses Sunday night were much more offensive than any hand gesture. What would cause more shameful, sinful, impure thoughts in a young man, Darren Aronofsky's middle finger or Salma Hayek's clevage?

As much as I hate children, and families, I'm not in favor of zero censorship. Squirting Goddesses 8 doesn't need to be on CBS in prime time for obvious reasons. It'd be crossing the line of freedom of speech straight into anarchy. You can imagine the ratings though.

This all reminded me of one of my favorite things that I'd completely forgotten about. One might argue that if I liked it so much I wouldn't have forgotten, but nevermind that. I have fallen back in love with Christian movie reviews.

There are endless amounts of sites that offer them up, and the less reputable the better. The more extreme, the more entertaining. You'd think the most violent, obscene films would have the best reviews but this doesn't seem to be the case. Everyone is shocked, SHOCKED, when a romantic comedy "looks cute" and turns into nothing but pre-marital sex and fart jokes.

For example, here's someones review from the comments section on the page for Because I Said So.

"I have a 13 year old daughter, and I thought this would be a fun “mother/daughter” chick flick we could cozy up to. I made her leave the room after the first 5 minutes when the scene showed a very sexually active Minnie discussing the details of her latest sexual romp"

Thanks, Leigh, age 35. But it only gets better. There is nothing but sheer outrage on the review for Marley and Me. I'm not entirely convinced that this one isn't fake.

"Please do not take your kids to see this horrible film. I took my 18 year old adopted Korean daughter, and we had to leave the theater, because I got tired of covering her eyes."

No one on this planet has lived a worse life than that girl. First of all shes adopted, so she was born into some shitty situation. Then things are exacerbated by her being adopted by a hardcore Christian woman who is intent on ruining her life with her bullshit. There are kids who would smash their mothers jaw and call her a whore if she ever tried to cover their eyes during a movie about a dog. How the hell is the girl prepared for real life? She's going to take some kind of disastrous turn at some point, probably soon. Children caught looking at porn who get beaten typically develop problems with women because their young mind starts to relate sex with violence and pain. Something like that had to have happened with this girl.

The comments are always more outrageous than the review on the site, somehow the review for Planet Terror was pretty positive, but once again, Marley and Me gets called out for dialogue, obviously written by heathen baby rapists.

"As for the profanity, the Lord’s name is profaned about 17 times. In addition, I counted 8 more curse words, including SOB and sh*t. Conversations of “balls” and “boobs” take place."

And this is just one site, I remember one I saw a few years ago where the guy doing the review for Jackass 2 walked out 8 minutes into the film. And just wait until you read a bunch of the stuff about Brokeback Mountain.

"Included are several scenes of men kissing each other passionately. These scenes are very realistic, and honestly left me with a sick feeling long after. The images are haunting, and so I must caution, spiritually dangerous for anyone who is not completely grounded in Scripture!"

And some wonder why I have issues with boring white people.

Uhh...

So there was no Tuesday post because I got Fifa 09 and played for roughly 13 straight hours. I'm back at it, so...yeah. This is a place holder, there will be two Thursday posts including a new Heat Files, its a feature now.

You'll be happy to know I won the domestic the domestic treble(thats the league title, league cup and F.A. Cup, for those unfamiliar) and its win the Champions League or bust this season. And none of this matters, because its all fake.

More tomorrow.

Pointless Monday

I'm not like most people, I don't hate Monday because its the end of the weekend. After all, I write a blog, what do days mean to me? Monday means that 24 is on, and that I probably won't watch it, and that's it.

The worst part about today is that I attempted to buy Fifa 09 and it was sold out everywhere I went. Needless to say, I'm furious. So I will lash out at you, the reader.

I take one swipe at Ann Coulter and it seems like everyone turns on me. Not by pouring their scorn on me, telling me that I hate America and should move back to my home on FrenchPussyHomo Island, but by saying nothing and ruining our 5 post comment streak. What were you thinking? The comment streak is a fine feather in our cap and now it has to be built back up from nothing. I hope you feel bad, honestly, I do.

Anyway, there is nothing going on that I'm passionate about right now in this great big world of entertainment that should be so easy to make fun of on a day to day basis. The Golden Globes happened last night but theres no need to watch them. Tracy Morgan yelling "Deal with it, Cate Blanchett" is probably on YouTube, so I didn't need to watch the three hours preceding his acceptance speech when 30 Rock won best comedy series. I also hear that Ricky Gervais was hilarious, but when is that not the case?

The big thing I noticed today, and maybe I'm late on this, Axe has hairstyling products now. Its as boring as it is infuriating. I saw it when I was walking through Wal Mart(Lay off me, I had a gift card. Why do you hate America?!) and then saw a commercial once I got home. Axe bodyspray has really been a big part in the downfall of society. Think thats an overstatement? Just go to the mall, look at all the douchebags and try to convince yourself that they don't own plenty of Axe products. These haircare products are for the discerning douchebag who thinks "Wow, wouldn't it be awesome if my hair looked as shitty as I smell?"

Hordes of gorgeous women don't gang rape guys who smell like high school locker rooms. Or anyone for that matter. I would have heard about it.

My Dumbening

I can't help it. I have nothing worth saying tonight. I'm thinking as hard as I can but consider my situation. Martini Andy is watching Demolition Man on the other side of the room.

I never had a chance.

Let the record show that I hate 99% of movies set in the future. I don't know why anyone writes them because its obviously impossible to predict what any of this will be like. Clearly, Demolition Man failed. In 2032 there will be no ban on bad language, there won't be any sex helmets and hopefully there won't be any Wesley Snipes.

Other than that, well, nothing. I'm stupid now. I should have seen this coming. I have no brain anymore, I think its been replaced by a bunch of sticks and mud. Kind of like in Cannibal Holocaust, but through a different orifice.

Speaking of Canninal Holocaust(and people who need to be savagely beaten and subsequently consumed), Ann Coulter has a new book out. We don't talk much about books here, but does anyone want to review it? I don't think I could ever convince anyone to spend money on it but surely someone can steal it off their racist aunts toilet tank or something? I think it'd be interesting.

If you'd like to know my full thoughts on Ann Coulter, turn my Scott Boras piece into a Mad Libs and plug in Coulters name. The worst part about it is that people think shes hot. She certainly thinks so, look at her book covers. I happen to think her face looks like "2 girls, 1 cup" personified, but maybe thats just me.

Does anyone know who the best looking conservative is? I think you're hard pressed to find a good answer. Michelle Malkin? Elizabeth Hasselbeck(yes, shes married to Matt's loser brother, Tim)? Bristol Palin? Some random bitch that attends college in the south and may or may not be one of these LSU cheerleaders who may or may not sue me for libel and defamation of character(I just needed to put a face on this evil)? None of these are great choices.

Anyway, I'm taking suggestions. I have to go enhance my calm.

God damnit I hate this movie.

Technical Difficulties

Todays post is a video. As it turns out, its taking forever to upload. Expect it late tonight or tomorrow, or never. I don't know what the problem is but we're being patient and we'll see what happens.

UPDATE: It has to be in a link, but here you have it, "Martini Andy Blinds Us With Science"

Its probably been said before...

So it was suggested to me yesterday that I start doing top 10 lists and the idea of a top 10 things was brought up. Which sounds redundant until you realize I mean its just a list of stuff. Ten non-specific things that would probably be funny until I looked deep within myself. I really don't need to strive for credibility here. I could just as easily steal pictures of Jessica Alba from some other site and write about that, sending the traffic to this site up exponentially. But that's not what I'm about, and without trying to sound like a self important blowhard, I want to try to be funny without turning to randomness. Which brings me to my point this evening, I can now list my problems with Family Guy.

Some people don't understand what could possibly be wrong with the show, and I don't want you to think I hate it, but I think its all a little too easy. There are plenty of hilarious moments on that show, but I don't really see the comedic genius in throwing together as many 80's references as possible. Whats harder, setting up a great joke through story arc and timing or having someone walk into a room and see Judd Hirsch? That right there is why everyone else out there making cartoons really hates Family Guy. When South Park did their Family Guy episode they got thank you cards from the people at The Simpson's and flowers from the people at King of the Hill. Seth McFarlane deserves plenty of credit for what hes managed to do with what he created. No one else has brought back their cancelled show and turned it into an empire. I just don't think endless pop culture reference really count as talent.

This is the same reason that I dislike Robot Chicken, which is Adult Swim's second most popular show behind Family Guy. Then again, I don't think they have any shame about what they do as its clearly just a lot of pop culture references thrown together that follow no story.

Think of your favorite Family Guy quote. Do you know what episode its from? Probably not, because the story couldn't possibly mean less. A plot is only necessary in order from them to have a vehicle for all those flashbacks which, while funny, never have anything to do with anything. Maybe I'm bitter because I love the Venture Brothers so much, probably too much actually, and that show is extremely deep. Not to say you'd be lost if you just watched some random episode, but an insane amount of thing have happened that are relevant to every episode over the three seasons. Obviously this isn't always a problem, Seinfeld never referenced its past episodes, nor does The Simpsons, but the story matters in the individual episode.

Once again, its been an incredible run for them, the DVD and merchandise sales in Wal Mart and Hot Topic are beyond outstanding. That being said, Nickelback is pretty popular too. No, that's not fair. Coldplay. Coldplay is pretty popular too. I guess I like them as much as I like Family Guy.

What did we miss?

I said this would be up at 7:00, so by my clock I have 52 minutes to write something of significance. I'll be honest, at this very second I've got nothing.

Most of my time in New Jersey was spent watching horrible things. I rediscovered the glory that is films such as Junior, Over The Top, and Robocop 3.

Robocop is really the worst idea for a movie of all time. If he were an action figure and only an action figure its a pretty decent idea, but to actually watch this film in action, its just unbelievably stupid. I can't speak for the first movie, which was obviously good(read: successful) enough to spawn two more films for the franchise, but Robocop 3 is an abomination. Its one redeeming factor is that is a hilarious abomination.

A film with a budget of $22 million brought in $10.6 million. Its that kind of bad. It revolves around Robocop fighting on the behalf of orphans because an evil corporation wants to destroy their homes and build strip malls and shit. Of course they have their own police force that rules over the Detroit(yes its set in Detroit, yes it was shot in Atlanta) police to make them more evil. Details are pointless because the story is irrelevant, but theres underground revolutionaries, street punks, a man named Paul McDagget, a pimpmobile impervious to rocket propelled grenades and it all mixes together to become the funniest movie you'd never expect to enjoyable at all.

Its a hell of a lot funnier than Paul Blart: Mall Cop is going to be, anyway.

Over The Top really deserves its own book. I can't do it justice in this one post, but I'll describe the plot. A trucker named Lincoln Hawk(played by Sylvester Stallone) tries to win back to love of his young son by going to Las Vegas and winning an arm wrestling tournament.

Here's the taglines...

-Lincoln Hawk will fight for his son the only way he knows how.

-Some fight for money... Some fight for glory... He's fighting for his son's love

-Driving headlong towards the biggest fight of his life.

It just has some of the most inexplicable scenes in it of all time, like Stallone's son still wanting to stay with him even though he just smashed his semi into the front of his father in laws mansion. Oh, this also features my favorite 80s movie stereotype, the rich father(father in law in this case) trying to buy someone off to stay away from their daughter(in this case grandson)

The soundtrack features Sammy Hagar singing a song called "Winner Takes it All" so, draw your own conclusions. It also features such stars as Frank Stallone, Asia, Eddie Money and Kenny Loggins. Sadly, its not available on iTunes.

So there you have it, how I spent my winter break. I'm a lot dumber now, but these things happen. Now excuse me as I have to go eat, I have strange hankering for paint chips...