Christian Movie Reviews

Far be it from me to besmirch the good name of many religious people, many people of faith quietly go about their day without trying to fuck up anyone elses. As an Atheist, I feel that its important to stay out of everything. If you're an Atheist and you're going out of your way to try to prove that you're right, you're doing it wrong. Thanks for you work Richard Dawkins, but I believe it was the Methodist church that just thanked you for your "continued interest in god," which was actually pretty funny coming from them.

Here's what I'm getting at, 18 people wrote to the FCC to complain about Darren Aronofsky giving Mickey Rourke the finger at the Golden Globes. No doubt they all consider themselves good Christians.

My main problem is that anyone would bother with this. Secondly, why would anyones children be watching the Golden Globes? To see who Anne Hathaway was wearing? Yes, many 8 year olds have been thinking long and hard about just that. In fact, I'd argue that some of the dresses Sunday night were much more offensive than any hand gesture. What would cause more shameful, sinful, impure thoughts in a young man, Darren Aronofsky's middle finger or Salma Hayek's clevage?

As much as I hate children, and families, I'm not in favor of zero censorship. Squirting Goddesses 8 doesn't need to be on CBS in prime time for obvious reasons. It'd be crossing the line of freedom of speech straight into anarchy. You can imagine the ratings though.

This all reminded me of one of my favorite things that I'd completely forgotten about. One might argue that if I liked it so much I wouldn't have forgotten, but nevermind that. I have fallen back in love with Christian movie reviews.

There are endless amounts of sites that offer them up, and the less reputable the better. The more extreme, the more entertaining. You'd think the most violent, obscene films would have the best reviews but this doesn't seem to be the case. Everyone is shocked, SHOCKED, when a romantic comedy "looks cute" and turns into nothing but pre-marital sex and fart jokes.

For example, here's someones review from the comments section on the page for Because I Said So.

"I have a 13 year old daughter, and I thought this would be a fun “mother/daughter” chick flick we could cozy up to. I made her leave the room after the first 5 minutes when the scene showed a very sexually active Minnie discussing the details of her latest sexual romp"

Thanks, Leigh, age 35. But it only gets better. There is nothing but sheer outrage on the review for Marley and Me. I'm not entirely convinced that this one isn't fake.

"Please do not take your kids to see this horrible film. I took my 18 year old adopted Korean daughter, and we had to leave the theater, because I got tired of covering her eyes."

No one on this planet has lived a worse life than that girl. First of all shes adopted, so she was born into some shitty situation. Then things are exacerbated by her being adopted by a hardcore Christian woman who is intent on ruining her life with her bullshit. There are kids who would smash their mothers jaw and call her a whore if she ever tried to cover their eyes during a movie about a dog. How the hell is the girl prepared for real life? She's going to take some kind of disastrous turn at some point, probably soon. Children caught looking at porn who get beaten typically develop problems with women because their young mind starts to relate sex with violence and pain. Something like that had to have happened with this girl.

The comments are always more outrageous than the review on the site, somehow the review for Planet Terror was pretty positive, but once again, Marley and Me gets called out for dialogue, obviously written by heathen baby rapists.

"As for the profanity, the Lord’s name is profaned about 17 times. In addition, I counted 8 more curse words, including SOB and sh*t. Conversations of “balls” and “boobs” take place."

And this is just one site, I remember one I saw a few years ago where the guy doing the review for Jackass 2 walked out 8 minutes into the film. And just wait until you read a bunch of the stuff about Brokeback Mountain.

"Included are several scenes of men kissing each other passionately. These scenes are very realistic, and honestly left me with a sick feeling long after. The images are haunting, and so I must caution, spiritually dangerous for anyone who is not completely grounded in Scripture!"

And some wonder why I have issues with boring white people.