Four Fried Chickens and a Coke: Greg Rosen Saturdays Presents: A Delay

Well... maybe I should look into planning ahead or managing my time better. Either way the countdown that I know you all were looking forward to (judging mostly by the enormous amounts of feedback I got on my last post) will have to wait til next week. As it turns out Saturdays are not the best days for me as I am in a band and am often indisposed on the weekends. This weekend I will be in Boston.

So instead of a countdown not a single person cares about I will leave you with an idea I have that equally as many people care about.

I am on a big mummy kick right now. Mostly because I hate Brendan Fraser. And because I think that replacing or adding the word "mummy" into places it wasn't originally is funny. Example: Kung Fu Mummy, Two and a Half Mummies, Future Mummies, etc. So anyway my idea is for a movie, preferably a Sci-Fi original, in which Brendan Fraser, not his character from the Mummy series, is middle aged and haunted by the mummies of his past. He has Post Traumatic Mummy Disorder. Very rare. He hits the bottle pretty hard and almost never leaves his rocking chair. He always has his magnum and his faithful cat, Dickfart, by his side. His wives, children, and dwarves all leave him. He is a broken shell of a man.

In a rare fit of courage, Fraser attempts to reach out and start a mummy support group. This, however, ends in disaster when no one shows up except a misguided teenage mummy looking for a friend. Fraser without hesitation, in a blur of tears and erectile dysfunction, rends the young mummy limb from limb. He then proceeds to down an entire bottle of paint thinner. He staggers home on foot through hallucinations of mummified relatives and top hats who tell him to end it all. He finally makes it home and finds a mummy waiting in his rocking chair. Fraser eats its head. Once his devouring of the mummy's head is complete he gathers himself only to find that it was no mummy whose cranium he just ingested.... it was Dickfart! His only friend!

Upon this grim realization Fraser decides to listen to the headwear and kill his life. He realizes he will never escape his mummy-filled nightmare. He goes to a 24 hour Wallgreens and buys a bitchload of embalming fluid, papyrus, and Elmer's glue (for courage) He then proceeds to remove his brain and other internal organs in some of the most graphic scenes ever witnessed by human eyes. With his remaining brain matter, Fraser musters up the intelligence to complete the mummification by wrapping himself up and frightening comedy duos. Thus ends the tragic, stupid, ugly life of Brendan Fraser.

"'Twas the Mummies What Did Him In." Thats what I'll call it. Thoughts?

Young Republicans, Drinky Crow, organ meats

They say if you can't sleep you should get up and do something, tossing and turning will do no good. So here I am. I took a nap from 11:30 until about 12:15 and now I haven't been able to get back to sleep for roughly 4 hours. So I'm here to start talking about nothing and see how it goes.

Sometimes I worry about what I write here because it'll be here forever. If there actually comes a time when I get sick of this blog and stop writing I'll probably forget to delete it and something will come back to haunt me. This should actually be my worst nightmare. You see, I feel more guilt and shame than most people, but more than anything, terrible regret. There are things I said as far back as 5th grade that I can't believe I said and I get uncomfortable thinking about them.

An excellent example, in my 7th English class, there was a discussion about the 2000 election. God knows why, what 13 year old could ever have a valid opinion on such a thing? At the time, I was a Bush supporter. Obviously this meant nothing, I couldn't vote, but I could yell about things I didn't understand. I've learned that this is how most people choose to discuss politics even far into adulthood. But I had chosen Bush because Gore would say annoying things and I liked George Bush Sr. I was a big fan of the Gulf War and had a lot more blood lust while I was younger.

So while we're debating this I've got my hand in the air, ready to say some asinine thing about why Gore sucks, that couldn't be based in less fact. I think it involved him using the term "lock box" as often as he did. While I'm waiting to be called on, only getting more angry with every word the other kids say, the girl next to me says "I don't want Bush to win, hes going to take away women's rights!"

Now, the appropriate response to this would have "No he won't, that impossible," or, "Stop being ridiculous."

But what did I scream at her? "Who cares?!"

God I hope everyone forgot about that one.

Anyway, back to random bullshit.
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Here is a horrible movie that you forgot existed: Eddie Griffin in Irish Jam. A black stereotype travels to Ireland to meet 1880s Irish stereotypes.
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Massive endorsement, watch The Drinky Crow Show, Sunday at 12:15am on Adult Swim. Its outstanding.

The episode "Old Girlfriend" is available in its entirety on adultswim.com right now. Some guy on IMDB called this show the "WORST 11 MINUTES EVER" but he also liked Superjail, so...

"Old Girlfriend" features cameos from Bret and Jemaine of Flight on the Conchords as aliens, in case you needed extra incentive.

Speaking of which...
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As I've mentioned before, Flight of the Conchords is coming back to HBO on Sunday, January 18th, hopefully you've already seem the premier from my post the other day. They only had it up there until the 21st but someone may have put it on Youtube.

And another favorite show of mine, Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, is back on the Travel Channel Monday, January 5th at 10pm. While I never much cared for Tony Bourdain, they don't harp much on the "badass chef" thing that I find annoying and he makes on hell of a travel documentary. You spend the entire hour jealous of whatever hes doing, and hes made me want to try a lot more organ meats.
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Lastly, happy Boxing Day to our potential readers in the Commonwealth of Nations(that's the countries that used to be part of the British Empire, the more you know...). I'll be celebrating by watching Arsenal lose to Villa, and then I'll probably see the Cowboys lose Sunday. Then the sports misery trifecta will be in play.

Why do I even watch anymore?

Holidays

Alright, I should have mentioned this. I'm not trying very hard right now. I'm at a rough place in my life after the Mark Teixeira debacle. But I have an excuse, its Christmas. In 21 minutes actually. So no real blog tonight, or tomorrow at all.

I'll post on Friday, Greg on Saturday and I'll be on a plane Saturday night. So who knows when you'll get posts next week. Be sure to check, of course, but I make no promises.

Full on, balls out blogging will resume in 2009 as we embark on our first full year.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah/Chanukah.

Eat A Bullet

Agents

I was originally going to write about this story out of Saudi Arabia, its about a father who sold his 8 year old daughter into marriage with a 58 year old man and for roughly $4,ooo.

But I've found something far more disgusting.

I have made no secret about being a Red Sox fan in the past, and there is nothing I wanted more than them to sign Mark Teixeira. But $12 million got in the way, and he went to the Yankees.
This isn't the Yankees fault, sure, Evil Empire and all that, but its not their fault that they have the money to spend. Its Teixeira's agent, Scott Boras who creates all these problems. Agents as a whole are horrible people, its a job that brings in nothing but assholes. You can't be a decent person and become and agents, your morals won't allow it.

They say that they're looking out for their clients best interests, but do you know what they are? Rapists. They rape the teams and they rape the fans. They're the cause of the disconnect between fans and players now. Jackie Robinson sold home appliances during the off season, Mark Teixeira could spend his off season jerking off onto $100 bills 10 times a day. Do you know how much money that would wind up being?

Lets say it takes three bills for him to clean up properly, that's $3000 a day. Its 151 days from November 1st to April 1st. $3000 multiplied by 151 gives us $453,000.

That would leave him with $22,047,000 in clean money.

That's just one season worth of money, hes got an 8 year contract

I'm not even mad about the amount, its the going rate. It's the times we live in and the current market for a player of his talents. But taking that into consideration, looking at all that money, whats another $12 million for the Red Sox? They have it and they didn't spend it. The fans have all the right in the world to be furious with the ownership.

The price is that high because of agents though. I know some of you have heard this before, but bare with me as I talk about Scott Boras.

Long story short, hes the one who forced Alex Rodriguez to opt out of a $252 million contract so he could force the Yankees into paying him $275 million. Hes the person that convinced Manny Ramirez to quit on the Red Sox, to stop trying and be a complete asshole until Boston had no choice but to trade him.

And now this. Now he talks his client out of what is a better fit in Boston so he can get more money for himself. Scott Boras is the most loathsome person on the planet. He is despicable. He is scum. I want to beat his face in with the butt of a pistol. I think that'd be most satisfying. Honestly, he can't die quick enough. If Se7en happened in real life, Kevin Spacey would have made Boras cut off a pound of flesh.

He deserves nothing less. Allow me to paraphrase myself when I say "Scott Boras is an absolute pig of a man. I hope he dies. I hope his family has to watch. Then his body should be burned in a trash can."

I wonder how his family feels. I'm not even sure he has one, he's probably into expensive prostitutes. But if he does have a wife I'm sure hes cheating on her. I don't know how she lives with herself. The money shouldn't make up for the shame she has to feel on a daily basis, knowing that her husband is a rapist. Or his children, no one chooses their father, but I'm sure they would have chosen anyone else. This goes for the children of all agents. If you're reading this and your father is an agent, kill him in his sleep. Better yet, make him suffer. The sight of his son turning on him, torturing him and taking his life would be incredible. He'd never expect it.

Then they'll understand how we feel. Then they'll know betrayal.

Heat Files: 28 Weeks Later

Jim Gaffigan had a bit from his second Comedy Central Presents, or I think it was that one anyway, where he talks about seeing a movie years after it comes out and feeling awkward about wanting to discuss it with people because everyone else was done talking about it in 1995. The example he used was Heat.

"Hey any of you guys seen Heat?"

-"That came out like 8 years ago..."

"Yeah but...I wanna talk about it now."

So in the spirit of that, I give you Heat Files, a breakdown of films that aren't even remotely topical. Our first one is dedicated to 28 Weeks Later because I just watched it for the first time the other day when it was on Cinemax.

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Zombies shouldn't run. Simon Pegg, the English comic actor father I never had, argues that here better than I ever could. In 28 Weeks Later, they zombies do run, regardless, I still like it. If we wan't to get technical about it, they aren't exactly zombies, they didn't rise from the dead, they're just infected with the Rage virus(which is pretty self explanitory). I make excuses anyway I can.

There are a lot of things to like about this movie though, and while I'm not the biggest horror fan ever, I love survival horror. And zombies. A small group that has to get to somewhere before they're mauled by zombies is perfect for me. I couldn't care less about sexy teens being chased through a cabin by a maniac(Don't think I mean Evil Dead here, that movie is perfect. Campy bullshit, possessed weed rapes and all). Or worse yet, remakes.

The first thing you have to love is Robert Carlye. The movie begins with him locking a door behind him so he can escape and his wife can be bitten and infected by zombies. He's a complete bastard, which is fitting for him, he's made a career out of playing bastards. He played Hitler in that CBS miniseries a few years ago, for one, and the slightly more evil Begbie in Trainspotting. He played Hitler pretty well for being Scottish, he didn't look as good as the Hitler in the upcoming film Tom Cruise With An Eyepatch, but good regardless. He's an excellent actor but hes got beady eyed rat face. He's sort of like the Scottish Steve Buscemi.

He also plays a big part in what is essentially the films most important scene, and here come the spoliers(I'm instituting a policy, if a film is older than 5 years old you'll get no warning. Also, if it was a massive success that you had no business not seeing like The Departed, you're not allowed to be angry when I give away the fact that everyone dies). His wife somehow survives the attack and shes rescued, she carries the virus but it doesn't affect her. Robert Carlye is told that she's been found and he is struck by the sense of dread only a man who left his wife to die can understand. But when he sees her in the hospital(shes locked in quarantine) they get over it and he kisses her. Now hes infected, now it gets ugly.

He shows all the symptoms of someone infected, screaming, writhing around the floor, foaming at the mouth. Then he locks in on his wife and one of the most brutal scenes in recent memory goes down. He jumps up on the gurney she's strapped down to and just beats the living shit out of her. She screams for her life but begins to choke as blood fills her mouth after her teeth have been punched out, she shakes and fights but she can't get through the straps. And then, with no cutaway, he shoves his thumbs into her eyes until blood pours out like a faucet. By the end it looks like a bomb went off in her face.

I won't give a walk through of the whole movie because no one wants to read that, but I will also point out that there is a scene that I think everyone should see where between 30 to 50 zombies and running through a field and are cut in half by a helicopter blade. Its the best mass chopping since the opening scene of Ghost Ship which as it turns out is the only redeeming thing that movie has and you can basically turn it off after that.

Anyway, much like this post, the movie sort of loses steam near the end. I liked it, its worth seeing, but its about a 6/10. But on the horror specific scale I'll give it an 8/10.

More tomorrow.

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Godspeed, Greg Jennings.

Four Fried Chickens and a Coke: Greg Rosen Saturdays Presents: Kulture Korner: Jazztastic

This post is essentially a precursor to my next post so that it’s not stupidly long and grueling. My next post, in case you’re wondering, will be a countdown of the best jazz albums of the new millennium. “Why not of the past year?” you might be asking. I’m getting to that. Anyway, as a disclaimer, I apologize in advance if I sound condescending at all in this post. I don’t know what you know so I have to cover as many bases as possible. That being said…on with the jazz.

Jazz is a tricky thing to define. It has evolved into something much more complex than what one might think jazz is. Its not all big bands and swing beats. Jazz has come to encompass and incorporate all musical influences surrounding it. Just like jazz musicians of the past took old show tunes and turned them into jazz standards, many of them today are taking popular songs (mostly Radiohead songs) and transforming them into something else entirely. Go on youtube and check out some of Brad Mehldau’s or the Bad Plus’ covers. Anyway, jazz has also come to incorporate the feels, both rhythmically and harmonically, of other genres. Basically just think of a genre of music and add the prefix, “jazz” to it and you’ll have a new genre that I’m sure is existent. Among the most popular extensions of the jazz idiom are: Soul Jazz, Jazz Funk, Out Jazz, Progressive Jazz, and Garage Jazz.

Take note that I did not mention adult contemporary or smooth jazz in there. There is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this: I do not consider these to be music. Kenny “Christmas Album” G is, at least in my school, considered a joke. And I will go out on a limb and say that almost every other musician or any one who knows anything about music will feel the same way. Though I must give credit where credit is due.

Oh and in case anyone was wondering what some of those genres I spat out were, here are some very brief definitions as I see them that by no means covers the whole idea of the genre. I think the first two are pretty self-explanatory. Out jazz does not follow a particular harmonic structure and the musicians have a great deal of freedom to experiment and take their ideas to a new level. Check out Ornette Coleman. Progressive jazz is the jazz that I referred to earlier that incorporates a lot of rock influences and covers. Its not unlike out jazz in that it may not always sound in (that is within the chord changes or tonal center). And Garage jazz is a personal favorite. Its very gritty, distorted, and raw. It still employs the musicality of jazz with the intensity of rock or metal.

The jazz world is entirely different from that of rock or pop music. The community of musicians that make it up are actually a community. Almost all of them play together or have played together at one point. Almost no group lineups are set in stone. Chris Potter, one of the greatest tenor sax players ever, in my opinion, has recorded and toured with at least six different groups since 2000. The reason for this is that they want to make the best music. They couldn’t care less about an image or what their record label wants. They aren’t trying to sell out stadiums or creating hit singles. They just want to make the best music and experience as much of it as they can. The only way to do this is play with as many people as you can. Not an easy feat considering the number of working jazz musicians today.

And that clever segue brings me to my next point which addresses the previous hypothetical question in my opening. I can probably run off a list of about sixty or seventy jazz musicians today that are absolutely amazing and deserving of recognition. It is, however, nearly impossible to keep track of all their recordings and live performances. Its not that they record more often then other artists, its just that there are so damn many of them that are worth my time. My countdown in my next post will be somewhat limited as it only consists of music I own. This is by no means a definitive list but its pretty darn good if you ask me. It’s also a great place to start if you’re interested in jazz but have no idea what’s good.

Another thing about most jazz, in listening to it and learning it, is that it requires a great deal of patience. I think the longest jazz recording I own is 27 minutes long. Live performances especially are very lengthy. In a medium where every player in the band is expected to solo at least once and then often trade solos, time constraints are not a main concern. It took me a while to get used to listening to whole albums where every song is ten minutes long. And it took me a while to get the patience to learn jazz as well. There are a lot of monotonous tasks and exercises that go along with it and it can be very frustrating at times. But in order to be the best musician you can one must learn to the patience required for listening and learning. Once patience is learned, listening to the stuff becomes much more enjoyable. With jazz the best things are not always obvious. It is an art of subtlety and nuances. I could go off on a huge tangent here about training your ears and its applications but I’ll spare you. Just know that learning to listen the correct way is essential to succeeding as a jazz musician or any musician for that matter.

In summation, I may not have told you anything you don’t know already but I tried, damn it. Why don’t you try wrapping up a whole century long musical movement/ subculture in one small essay? Yeah…so jazz is basically impossible to define with words. You know it when you hear it and for me it’s a lot about the vibe. Jazz affects me as a musician in a way that no other form of music does. It is truly unique in this sense. I am straying into abstract concepts here so I’ll stop myself before I start… And let me tell you there is nothing more gratifying to a jazz musician than when someone not involved in the jazz community appreciates their music/lifestyle. So take a listen to some of the stuff I suggested here and listen to all of the stuff on my countdown next week.

And to any Kansasians (Kanz-asians), thats people from Kansas, why don't you show yourselves? What are you trying to hide? Show yourselves damn it!

The super early

When you get to the bottom of this post, yes, thats really when this was posted. I'll get to that in a second, something needs to be addressed first.

The SiteMeter thing is hardly just a hit counter, it tells me the IP address of everyone who visits the page and how often and all that. So I'm curious, people in or around Butler County, Kansas, who are you? While I like to pretend this blog is a big deal when I'm not talking about how its a digital shithole, you visit a lot for people who don't know me. So please, introduce yourselves.

Anyway, I'm writing at 6am because I made a decision a few hours ago about McDonalds breakfast. I knew I wouldn't wake up in time so I never slept. Instead I've been comparing my Gears of War 2 stats against all of my friends(I have 700 online multiplayer chainsaw kills. Thats a big time number) and listening to the Adam Carolla show since about 2am waiting for the McDonalds to open.

By the way, if you have time to kill, or just lack something sonically, go to iTunes and download the Adam Carolla show podcast. I'm telling you this at the worst possible time because the show is done until the New Year, but you'll have some catching up to do. Its nothing like the Man Show, its not schtick-y in any way, its not a morning zoo. Its just Adam enraged, which might sound tiresome, but no one rants like this. Some people can't do it, and I see through every shitty comic who is trying to hard to be angry, but this is amazing. Last Friday(More Joel McHale 12/12/08) he started yelling about building codes, of all things, and it was as funny as anything I've heard in months. Oh, and Joel McHale is on the show every Friday. I know you kids like Joel McHale.

But back to my unimportant story. I'm sure I looked like a meth addict. The heavily bearded man who clearly hasn't slept and isn't going to work. But no matter. Here's the important part.

I didn't know if the McDonalds opened at 5 or 6 so I checked the stores website. Be warned, its awesome.

First of all, "McFlorida" is a bad start. Then you read this...

"IF YOUR(sic) LOOKING FOR EXTRA CASH, START A CARRER(sic), OR JUST LOOKING FOR A COOL PLACE TO WORK SO YOU CAN BRAG TO YOUR FRIENDS; McDONALD'S IS THE PERFECT PLACE FOR YOU TO WORK."

I know its their job to sell it to you, but who is going to believe that their "carrer" could be started by showing up at 5am to be screamed at by your manager, a woman in her mid 40s, after your 15 minute break lasted 16 minutes because she decided this is her career.

And if I tried to brag about my job at McDonalds to my friends I'd be told to fuck myself.

Nice effort though.

I've been doing less with more for three days now after promising the most solid week ever. I'm looking to Greg to save us tomorrow. I'll be back with a big feature type thing next week, as for now, I might actually go to sleep...

A return to form

Alright, now that we're done with the business end of things I explained yesterday we move back to stories of anger and humiliation. Or something like that.

Its another slow news day as far as I'm concerned so I need to discuss something that we have to look forward to soon. On December 29, we will have the premier of Bromance with Brody Jenner.

I really couldn't be more excited and I don't know if I can write about it the Tuesday afterwards because I'll be busy in New Jersey so I'm talking about it now. December 29th to January 2nd is very up in the air for the blog but I'll be posting as much as possible from my temporary office in Mr. Krause's house. GDT North Headquarters. Just using initials makes it sound serious.

But this is just like My New BFF with someone who seems in on the joke. As evil as Paris Hilton is, you think she might have been serious about her show. Brody Jenner is hilarious, he has the highest IQ on The Hills by about 80 points and knows it, meaning he can exploit all of them however he likes. Hes not a genius by any means, but when you spend your time around those people you look like one.

So I'm begging you to watch this show, and heres why...

1). It will build self esteem. Try not to feel better about yourself when watching guys line up to be Brody's best friend.

2). The catch phrase. I'm almost positive its going to be "I will NOT check you later, bro".

3). You're not doing anything better at 10pm on a Monday.

4). I'm going to reference it relentlessly and you need to be in on the joke.

5). Men in tears because Lauren Conrad's ex-boyfriend just isn't into them.

I think these are all compelling reasons. But if you aren't convinced after that, I've got something else for you.

Here's a good show that's good because theres talent involved. Flight of the Conchords doesn't come back on until January 18th but the season premier is up on Funny or Die right now. If you don't want it spoiled, you're stupid. Its been 15 months, enjoy it.

Here.

Stuff you!

2 posts, 1 day

Because I need to mention more pointless crap, please turn your attention to the left of your screen and notice that you can now subscribe to posts.

There is also a hit counter. Its at 1 right now because I just put it there. So come here a lot and make it less pathetic.

Also, in a moment of self indulgence, I offer you the best Arsenal goal of the season because I have to squeeze in sports whenever possible. This is one of those times.

Mexican wunderkid Carlos Vela vs. Wigan Athletic, Carling Cup

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw0yem3zhT0&feature=related

Please do enjoy.

Site news, problems, limp wristed blows at 'the man' before falling to the ground crying.

As time went on today I realized I had to write something. Well, like I always say, don't get your hopes up.

But I have to put something up here so I'm just going to ramble. As I've explained before, its hard to write something everyday because there's limited material. I think I'd rather write two or three long columns every week and just mail it in on the other days. Not unlike what I'm doing today! If I can talk shop here for a second, I really hate the format of the blog. I'd prefer that I had a news site where it would all be links to stories and what have you. That way everything could be divided into sections, the Best Of would be right up front because its a feature and my needless stuff like yelling about the NFL in London would be of in the trash. It'd be much more effective.

What I'm getting to here is, who knows web design?

Probably no one, there's like 10 of your reading this and I know you all. This isn't a bad thing. Hell, we set a comments record yesterday with 9, breaking the record Greg's post set with 5(These things matter). And only three of those posts were me, its typically more. Give yourselves a round of applause.

Honestly that's more than I ever expected. I started this in September and only had two readers for a month and quit because I got no feedback. So the more you say, positive or negative, at least we know you're reading. I'm also aware that the comments are a bitch for people who don't have an account with Blogspot, hence the need for a new site. But we work with what we have, or whats free anyway.

This turned into a state of the union. Which is well enough, I suppose. This would have been more appropriate at the very end of the year but that's okay.

I don't know where I'm going here, someone start a fight in yesterdays comments. Forget this ever happened.

Best of 2008: Part II

Yesterday I posted a piece of criticism so brilliant, so blindingly outstanding, that literally no one could say a word about it. You were all just left in stunned silence. So watch in awe as I attempt to provide that same level of baffling skill for a second day in a row.

The list goes on...

5. Kings of Leon - Only By The Night

Its detractors have said that this album strays too far from Kings of Leon's indie sensibility and reaches out to arena crowds too much, bordering on Adult Top 40. But John Mayer this album is not.

I'm sure the Tennessee band is upset about the fact that they can sell out London's O2 arena(20,000 seats) in a matter of hours but America couldn't care less about them. But the grit of their earlier albums has been replaced by big anthemic songs. What I find disappointing about this albums, and a lot of them on this list, the first song is the best and you feel like the rest of the album doesn't live up to it, regardless of how good the rest of the songs are. Only By The Night starts off with Closer, a haunting, atmospheric song with layers of delay that showcases Caleb Followill's voice where it works best.

So maybe they're going for mainstream success, but I still loved this one. On the other hand, my mother did too. I'll ignore that part.

Best Track(s): Closer, Sex on Fire

4. The Gaslight Anthem - The '59 Sound

When they played on Conan a while ago I thought "This band sounds like Springsteen playing Against Me! songs....wait, I've heard that before.' As it turns out, I read it in Rolling Stone months earlier and never bothered to check the band out, but it proves how spot on that observation was. In fact, AV Club said the same thing a few days ago.

Lyrically heartbreaking and musically ass kicking, The Gaslight Anthem are represents everything good about indie rock right now. Unpretentious, straight forward music that couldn't be less concerned with trends. You'll find no synth on this one.

And its not on The Pirate Bay, yet anyway. If you don't have it, you could do a lot worse with $10.

Best Track(s): Great Expectations

3. Girl Talk - Feed The Animals

Two things that I don't care about. 1.) I don't feel bad at all for ranking this higher than people who actually wrote their own music, and 2.) I don't care about the people who say it sucks compared to Night Ripper. It's the same god damned thing.

Maybe I'm biased, I'm not one for clubs so it doesn't matter to me that this is more manic, and that you can't focus on partying because you're too busy playing 'spot the sample.' Isn't that part of its greatness? Maybe I'm too wide eyed and innocent because I was never into him(for those who aren't aware, Girl Talk is just one guy, Greg Gillis) before.

I don't know if I enjoyed any album more than this one this year. I thought he did just as good here as he did on the last album and there are some incredible moments. On Play Your Part(pt. 1) he mashes together T.I., Edwin Starr, Lil Wayne, and Sinead O'Connor into the same 12 seconds. So color me impressed.

Best Track(s): Set It Off, Like This(Set It Off's best moment is Jay-Z 'Roc Boys' over top of Paranoid Android,' 'Like This' has Lil Mama's 'Lip gloss' over top Metallica's 'One.' These standout about everything)

2. The Hold Steady - Stay Positive

The Hold Steady's songs feel like a story that Craig Finn told someone with certain sentences repeated for a chorus. This makes him my favorite lyricist ever. Their style is well established, 'bar band', 'Springsteen-esqe' and so forth. They didn't break any new ground with this album, they just did what they do better than they'd ever done it before.

'me and my friends are like, double whiskey, coke no ice,
we drink along in double time
might drink too much but we feel fine

we're gonna build something this summer
summer grant us all the power to drink on top of the water towers
with love and trust and shows all summer
let this be my annual reminder
that we can all be something bigger'

It really hits the theme of 'Stay Positive' without the heavy handed inspirational garbage you're used to and its just a great time to listen to. Best for drinking or driving. Never together of course, that would make me an irresponsible blogger.

Best Track(s): Constructive Summer, Sequestered in Memphis, Slapped Actress.

1. The Roots - Rising Down

Hip hop makes one appearance this year, and its at the top spot. The Roots hate the recording industry, and why not? This album is a 'fuck you' to Def Jam. They turned their backs on any commercial accessibility and made of their best records. I'm going to post a lot of lyrics now because there are some ridiculously good verses here.

The first one is from the title track, featuring Mos Def and this is among the best things he's ever done, and hes been around a long time.

'Tonight at noon watch a bad moon rising
Identities in crisis and conflict diamonds
Blinding staring at lights 'til they cryin'
Bone gristle popping from continuous grindin
Grapes of wrath in a shapely glass
Ingredients influential on your ways and acts
Zero tolerance to raise the tax
It don't matter how your gates is latched
You ain't safe from the danger jack
Made it way before they made the map
Or a GPS this is DEF leader.'

See? Amazing.

Better yet, 'I Will Not Apologize' is the best commentary on hip hop that I've ever heard. Lupe Fiasco did well with 'Dumb It Down' and of course theres 'Rap Superstar' and A Tribe Called Quest doing 'Show Business' but this is head and shoulders above all of that because of the anger and vitriol that Dice Raw delivers it with.

'For the statements I'm about to make I will not apologize
Niggas talk a lot of shit, really need to stop the lies
Jewels rented, cars rented, homie that ain't authentic
Acting tough on TV but to me you seem a little timid
Don't blame the nigga, blame America, it's all business
Acting like a monkey is the only way to sell tickets'

Those six lines say more about whats wrong with commercial hip hop than any number of Nas interviews ever could. And being the head of Def Jam, Jay-Z was upset with The Roots for not making a song he thought could be a single. Theres about five that would make good singles, but the audience is too stupid to appreciate it. This lead to the albums only bad song, 'Birthday Girl'. Its not even that bad, it just doesn't fit the rest of the album at all. They even recorded a version of it with Patrick Stump from Fall Out Boy. Mercifully, it was cut.

Best Track(s): Rising Down, @15, I Will Not Apologize

So thats the top 10. A pretty solid list if I do say so myself, but what would I know? I've never done this before. And here's the other random selections that are relevant to this discussion.

I sort of liked these.....

TV on the Radio - Dear Science

I'm sorry, TV on the Radio fans. I tried, I really did, and I just couldn't make myself care about this album. I only liked 'Dancing Choose,' which sounds nothing like any other song here.

Metallica - Death Magnetic

My favorite band of all time made a good effort here. Not top 10 worthy, but way, way better than 2003's St. Anger. The lyrics are still pretty bad, but I don't have to be ashamed of this one at all. I'm glad they held it together.

Weezer - Weezer

Good but not great, its hard to reclaim your past glory when it was as glorious as it was for Weezer(and the afore mentioned Metallica) and everyone will compare it to their old work. James actually wrong more about this so if you look at his blog and go back a few weeks you'll see a better breakdown. And I don't even compare it to the blue album, hell, I loved Maladroit. I would have settled for that.

Abject Failure....

Bloc Party - Intimacy

Extremely disappointing. I was told there would be a return to the rawness of Silent Alarm. Promises were not kept, it might be raw, but its a raw clusterfuck of electronica nonsense. Good for them, deciding that they didn't have to pander to the audience who didn't care for A Weekend In The City, but this was just awful.

Kaiser Chiefs - Off With Their Heads

Their albums were pretty hit of miss anyway, but at least they were enjoyable for the most part. A lot of good songs and just a few clunkers. This has one good song, a great one actually, with 'Can't Say What I Mean.' It was the first single, too. I hope no one bought it based off that.

It took a while, but we've reached the end. What a long, strange trip its been, to quote uncreative yearbook editors.

Back to the regular, boring grind tomorrow.

Best of 2008: Part I

So its come to this, the end of a year that will be remembered for Barack Obama and pretty much nothing else. In fact, just to make his election seem more important to future generations, all news not related to the election or his collectible coins will be destroyed. So it is up to us to document the top 10 albums of 2008 so that our children might know what the kids were listening to back in the day.

Its numbers 10 through 6 today, 5 through 1 tomorrow and at the end there will be my list of massive disappointments and one mild success. Can you guess which? I'd say email your answers to win something, but there's nothing to win. We need sponsors for that. But feel free to guess anyway and win nothing.

Anyway, on with it...

10. Eagles of Death Metal - Heart On

This is really just a collection of dirty grooves, and that's awesome. I think raunchy is probably the best word for the 12 tracks on Heart On, even though I hate that word. But EODM accomplished everything they set out to do with this album because it serves as a great tribute to rock the way they think its supposed to be done. They sound like James Gang would if they decided to make a record full of dance music.

Not to say Heart On is dance music at all, even if Tight Pants(track 3) sounds an awful lot like LCD Soundsystem. Its basically dance music you'd never see anyone dancing to, which I'm pretty sure is my favorite musical genre(I'll be touching on that again later).

Best Track(s): Anything 'cept the Truth, Heart On

9. Gnarls Barkley - The Odd Couple

Along with having one of the best band names of all time, Gnarls Barkley are good at what they do. There isn't exactly a soul revival going on right now, but if there is, they're leading the charge. The Odd Couple's second single, and best track, Going On, barely charted in the US and I have no idea why. It made it to 88 on the Billboard Hot 100(Crazy made it to 2).

This album is just so solid from top to bottom and offers something so much different than what everyone else is doing. As I'm writing this I keep thinking I'm not ranking it high enough but everything from here on is equally deserving.

Best Track(s): Going On, Charity Case

8. Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes

I can't believe I like this album as much as I do. Kristen told me about it a while ago, I listened to about two songs and decided I was bored. But I gave it another try and have loved it since. I don't know how folk music became the new cool thing but Fleet Foxes do it so well. Its all mellow acoustic stuff but the songs sound so big, and the harmonies are outstanding.

I've been called gay for this once before, but I said they sound like a sunrise. If you can find a better comparison I would like to hear it. (after writing that I realized its very uncreative as the first song is called "Sun It Rises." Oh well.)

Best Tracks(s): White Winter Hymnal

7. Los Campesinos! - Hold On Now, Youngster...

More dance music you don't dance to, and the best thing out of Wales since King Henry V. Los Campesinos easily take the award for best album artwork on this years list. They sound a bit like Arctic Monkeys but not quite as polished, if that's possible. They definitely sound a little rough(the count in on Broken Heatbeats Sound Like Breakbeats is epic) but it works in their favor. Its like if early Against Me! were playing Arctic Monkeys songs.

This album is really just fun to listen to. It goes a million miles per hour and the vocal back and forth between Gareth and Aleksanda Campesions(they all took the name, it translates to 'the peasants') is worth looking into it alone.

Best Track(s): Broken Heartbeats Sound Like Breakbeats, You! Me! Dancing!

6. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend

The first time I heard A-Punk on the radio I thought it was the best song I'd ever heard. I've backed off on that a bit, but its still awesome. This also is an album that's just a great time. Some songs (Boston, most notably) are basically ska. Another thing about it is that its all electric guitars and at no point does anyone hit a distortion pedal which is rare to say the least.

Their talent hasn't gone unnoticed as MTV have used them for basically everything, or so it seems, including safe sex commercials. What can't they do?

Best Track(s): A-Punk, Oxford Comma

So there you have it, get everything you don't have from this list, listen, and then call me an asshole in the comments. Its that easy to become an enlightened pundit.

The eagerly anticipated 5-1 tomorrow!

Four Fried Chickens and a Coke: Greg Rosen Saturdays Presents: Sunday: Goodburger: Goodmovie: A Timeless Tale

There was a request last week for me to clarify what was meant when I used the term "jazz" in my last post. According to my sources when most people think of jazz they think of Kenny "Ken" G. This is wrong. Alas, this is a topic for another day because I have neither the time nor patience right now to educate the masses. So in lieu of an enlightening piece about a large piece of music culture, I present to you an enlightening piece about a large piece of 90's kids sketch komedy (not a spelling error. Everyone knows the letter "k" is hilarious) culture.

"Welcome to Goodburger, home of the Goodburger. Can I take your order?" ... Words that will go down in history. I defy you to find anyone born between the years of 1987-89 that doesn't recognize that line. The only people that wouldn't start salivating at the very mention of this line are idiots and Polynesians. There I said it. Anyway, these words were famously at the opening of a humble sketch on the sketch komedy show All That, back in the hay day of Nickelodeon. What followed this opening only the gods could predict. An uproarious monsoon of slapstick komedy and the inevitable mention of "trousers" (possibly the most used word on All That) was to be expected.

At the forefront of the sketch was a one Kel Mitchell. He had the look of a regular teenage black male at the time, but if you closed your eyes you'd swear you were listening to a california surfer dude! You truly believed he was Ed, a timeless character whose buffoonery went straight to the funnybone. It is this mastery of his kraft which sent Kel to the silver screen. His duplicitous character traits intrigued audiences and critics alike. His loveable oafishness caused all kinds of wacky problems! I can't think of any off the top of my head right now so use your imagination.There was also a host of secondary regular characters. Probably the most notable was former Manson Family member, Connie Muldoon.

Now that you have been refreshed on the origins of Goodburger we can proceed to the movie. The movie obviously stars the incomparable Kel Mitchell with the added bonus of Kenan Thompson. Here you have irrefutable proof that the letter "k" and laughter go hand in hand. The movie starts out with a scintillating plot of a boy and his (mom's) car and the heartbreak that ensues. Dexter (Thompson) in the midst of an illegal joyride to commemorate the last day of school is at the very least surprised to see he has crashed his car into Sinbad! (shocked emoticon!) Sinbad, being the fine upstanding citizen he is, decides to call the authorities while he delivered that famous line, "I hate to put a black man in jail..." He is however dissuaded from this by ol' Dex who says he will cover the cost of the repairs. This forces Dexter to get a *gulp* summer job!

He started at Mondo Burger, arch rival of the downhome favorite Goodburger. He was, however, fired due to his obvious learning disabilites and lack of burger assembly skills...also because Kurt (the manager of Mondo Burger) was a total douche. So this led Dex to Goodburger. Here he encounters an all-star cast of characters including the inevitable Abe Vigoda..and friends! Now that Dexter was a part of the Goodteam it was up to him apparently to save Goodburger from ruin by the hands of Mondo Burger.

For interests sake I'll skim over some of the major plot points and get right to the dance party in the insane asylum. The insaciable George Clinton provides the beats and the crazies provide the screams of terror and blood! Also the inscrutable Linda Cardellini, future star of "Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed", plays the bewitching, albeit crazy, love interest of Kel with birds in her hair...or something.

Now for the bullet pointed points of interest in no particular order because I'm lazy and this movie is way more komplicated than you'd think:

Dramatic monologue brilliantly deliviered by Kenan about how his father left him when he was but a boy. Also outlined are the intracasies of the love he had for a yo-yo.

Carmen Electra trying to seduce Kel to get the secret recipe of his Goodsauce which saves Goodburger. Also her lip liner is like an inch and a half above her lip and I can never get over it and I hate it.

Abe Vigoda: "I think I broke my ass..."

Sinbad's afro

Kel and Kurt's (hey another "K"!) interaction in Kurt's kar. This is actually funny and it gets me every time.

Connie Muldoon.

Ok so all in all this movie is ridiculously konvoluded. It certainly is not for anyone who enjoys plausable things. I actually happen to enjoy this movie very much but thats because I know how to turn my brain off when appropriate. A skill that pretty much everybody who criticizes The Transporter series for is laughable plots, lacks. But thats a rant for another time.

"Where are they now" you might ask?
Kel is presumed to be a failure and living with his auntie.
Kenan is on that piece of cuntfuthery they call Saturday Night Live.

Sorry for the delay and sorry that I used so many exclamation points.

PPD

Greg's post is written but trapped in internet purgatory as he has no connection at the moment. Fear not, it'll be up eventually.

So tonight you can distract yourself with this instead, A Date With Your Family.

Not only is it the best Mystery Science Theater 3000 short ever, its among the best things they ever did and the film itself shows off just how boring and oppressive the 1950s were in the most hilarious, misguided way possible.

Stick to the plan

I decided that I'd try a little harder this Friday because last Friday I only managed to write what I thought was a very entertaining anecdote involving the Monkees, White Out and the 80s classic Repo-Man. Others disagreed. So I suppose I'll put in some effort. Even though I drank enough whiskey last night to be medically excused from work today. I know that this isn't work as such, but I don't do much else, and I accept your unflinching support and devotion to my every word as payment.

So I mentioned in the Sunday night Facebook note(now considered a Facebook institution, as far as I'm concerned. Once again, be our friend, http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/pages/Grief-Digestion-Theater/36520823239) that I would talk about tv show themes, or the lackthereof. So lets see what I can get out of myself here.

As you may have noticed, basically nothing is as good as the Sandford and Son theme. This isn't anyones fault, Quincy Jones just wrote a piece of music that no one could top. You also may have noticed that there isn't any good theme music on TV anymore.

MASH, Cheers, Taxi, all excellent. Hell, even show specific lyrics like The Brady Bunch were great. Its funny because everyone knows the words, everyone knows how good that song was for its purpose, but everyone would be embarrassed if they were caught singing it. And if you really think about it, every single legendary show from the last 40+ years has a distinctive theme song that you probably know some of the words to. Even shows that weren't very good like Charles In Charge, but credit goes to Family Guy for putting that back in everyones head.

There really hasn't been anything instantly recognizable over the past 18 years with the exception of Friends, which I always sort of hated. The last big classic theme song would probably be The Simpsons, written by Danny Elfman who has been nothing short of perfect for his entire career, although hes no John Williams(Superman, Indiana Jones, All Star Wars music. You can't do better than that). In the 90s the big shows took that kind of minimalist approach, think of Seinfeld, Fraiser and Everybody Loves Raymond, they all just had a few notes on bass or piano and then straight into the show. Not to say that what they did on Seinfeld wasn't great in its own right.

Currently all the best themes seem to be on Adult Swim. Even if they aren't exactly essential listening, theres a generation who are going to remember the Aqua Teen Hunger Force theme for the rest of their lives. Family Guy has a good one, Metalocalypse had its theme immortalized on Guitar Hero. Even the canceled shows, Harvey Birdman had a very good throwback theme. And speaking of which, the best is one is The Venture Brothers theme which, if you aren't aware, is the best animated show on television and I refuse to be told differently. This is really all the proof I need. Maybe I'm partial to the clip because I 'played' Mars(thats the song 21 and 24 sing) in concert band. Mostly I just pretended to play saxophone. But thats a story for a different day.

(edit: the video I wanted to link the first time didn't work, so heres an ode to the henchman, which does feature them shout singing the Gustav Holst piece. This one has a lot more of 24's powder blue Nissan Stanza)

(and this is just the song, extended of course. They're both worth posting. By the way I don't know why these links don't pop, I know its inconvenient having to click them and hit back to keep reading)

Anyway, I hope someone learned something. I realize that I didn't break much ground here, or even make that many jokes. Die Hard is on Encore right now, excuse me if I'm a bit distracted.

Be sure to read Greg's post tomorrow, and Monday begins our year end bonanza. Guaranteed to be the most solid week of the year.

Golden Globes

As far as the 'major' award shows go, the Golden Globes are the second most pointless in a sea of pointlessness. As everyone knows, the only thing worse is the American Music Awards and anything that involves the word 'Choice' in the title. Madonna won a Golden Globe for Evita. Whats that tell you about all this?

Basically every film nominated hasn't been released yet which makes no sense, to me anyway. Even when the awards are handed out January 11th, I don't think most people will have seen all the Christmas releases. You'll want to save some of them so you have a better option than Bride Wars come the end of January.

The best nominations are the musical ones though. You have Miley Cyrus' song from Bolt, and Beyonce's song from Cadillac Records, among other, most likely more deserving choices. And as we all know, Beyonce will win, she'll dedicate her award to Obama.

In the category most relevant to my interests, your best TV comedy choices would be 30 Rock, Californication, Entourage, The Office and Weeds. 3 out of 5 haven't been seen by 66% of the country because they don't have premium cable. So one of those will probably win, my early guess would be Californication. Obviously I'll be pulling for 30 Rock because awards/loyalty to Tina Fey and Lorne Michaels are keeping it on the air at the moment because its got shit ratings. NBC fired most of its programming staff earlier this week, so there might be some kind of shake up. Who knows?

But the most important thing with these awards is that you don't watch, it will only embolden them and make them keep handing out these pointless statues. Its the Emmys and Oscars only for me, thank you. And even then I don't really watch, I just sort of yell afterwards...

Happy Birthday

to Michael! Hooray, let us all celebrate in his now legal ability to consume as much alcohol as he wants freely, as long as he does not plan on operating any type of car or machinery, or perhaps impregnate himself. Ta da-I'd buy you a commemorating shot if I could.....or you can wait it out til 2010.

Cheap Chinese imitation blog, covered in lead based paint.

Its just news and notes tonight, its already 11:27 by my watch and theres nothing good to say. But theres some upcoming goodness to mention to all of you.

For one, Best of!

Like every other blog on the planet, or interwebs, if you will, we'll be making some year end lists. Right now I have a team of assistants down in a bunker taking notes on albums for me. They might be written in crayons, or potentially feces, as these are the type of workers you get tax breaks for employing.

Nevertheless, as always, keep your expectations low.

And because we're lazy and don't want to think up actual material, some year end awards! Thats right, we haven't thought of many categories, but there is a name "The Tyra Awards: A Tribute To Ourselves." So it's probably going to be along the lines of best joke, worst joke, most obscure reference, worst opinion. I like to focus on the worst end. I have a feeling that I'll be collecting most of these awards, as 27 of the 30 posts are mine, but theres still more stuff coming from the others.

So leave some comments or send some emails talking about what you've loved or hated from the year that was, and of course all the old stuff is eligible, going back to the original My New BFF post.

Back to regular operations tomorrow.

Something on my mind grapes

Jack: Jack Welch has such unparalleled management skills they named Welch's Grape Juice after him, because he squeezes the sweetest juice out of his workers’ mind grapes.

Liz: That doesn’t even make sense.

Jack: No, it doesn’t, does it. I wrote it down in the middle of the night.

Its come to my attention that most of you aren't watching 30 Rock. Why?

Not only is it the best show on television, its the only thing we have thats near as good as Arrested Development was. Not as good, but come on, nothing is.

So for those unfamiliar, this wont be as long as the Die Hard piece, heres a breakdown of what you're missing.

The protagonist of 30 Rock is Liz Lemon, played by the universally adored Tina Fey, its a weird, slightly off putting name but you get over it. Like many women in their late 30s, Liz is something of a desperate, depressing character. Described as "New York third-wave feminist, college-educated, single-and-pretending-to-be-happy-about-it, over scheduled, undersexed, you buy any magazine that says 'healthy body image' on the cover and every two years you take up knitting for...a week." Obviously theres a comedic spin on this. She's also the head writer and producer of the sketch comedy program, The Girlie Show, or what used to be The Girlie Show.

That changed when Jack Donaghy(Alec Baldwin) showed up. Jack is the Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming at GE, the parent company of the Shinehardt Wig Company, who are of course the (fictional) parent company of NBC. Jack is pretty much the best thing about the show, never without a scathing remark, hes honest in a sort of soul crushing way(Random insults from Jack to Liz). Alec Baldwin couldn't possibly play him better either, his role has earned him an Emmy, a Golden Globe and two SAG awards through two seasons.

Jack has had an interesting life, he was taught to swim when he was lured to a pool with a puppy and then shoved in. Since then hes turned it around and he thrives off fear. Hes climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, bow hunted polar bear, driven a rental car into the Hudson just to see if he could escape and showered with Greata Van Sustern. He overcame a peanut allergy with pure will power. Hes also had quite the long list of famous love interests, Beyonce, Condoleeza Rice, Martha Stewart, Martha Stewarts daughter Alexis, Shakira, Elizabeth Hurley and Katie Couric.

But back to the actual plotline, Jack decides to turn The Girlie Show into TGS with Tracy Jordan. Tracy Jordan(Tracy Morgan) is basically a combination of Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence which can be seen by the fact that hes a.) crazy, and b.) does fat suit movies such as Fat Bitch and Honky Grandma Be Trippin'. Of course there was also Who Dat Ninja? and Black Cop/White Cop. The crazy can be seen in his checkered past, hes fallen asleep on Ted Danson's roof, been arrested for walking naked through Laguardia, and biting Dakota Fanning in the face.

He also recorded undoubtedly the best fake song in the history of film or television, the gold certified novelty party jam, Werewolf Bar Mitzvah

Count me as one of the people who never would have thought anything with Tracy Morgan would be funny. The only problem is you have to look past the fact that hes really just a god awful actor. Typically it doesn't matter because his lines are just so good.

I promised this wouldn't be that long so I'm cutting myself off from going into big character descriptions here.

Heres the thing, this show is outstanding. Every single character is funny for one reason or another, if its Jenna showing off shes a cougar by getting a 15 year old boyfriend who wears Heelys, or if its Liz's dad Dick who works in the incredible reference "It wouldn't be a Lemon party without old Dick!"

And everyone just has so much back story, its like an episode of Family Guy but its all hilarious and relevant flashbacks instead of needless 80s references. Its on Thursday at 9:30 and while you could just pick it up from there, renting the first two seasons would be the best option.

And I want to keep listing things that I find perfect but I'd be rambling forever. Watch the show, never stop, and then maybe I can finally talk about it with someone.

Suck it, monkeys!

I'm going to take some liberties today. This isn't a sports blog, but its already late and theres one thing I can write just enough about to make an acceptable post that won't bore the hell out of casual and/or non-sports fans.

This article in the relentlessly perfect Guardian says there will be an American sports franchise in Britain in 2 years. I respond to this by saying, shenanigans.

After all, this is an entertainment blog, and what is sports if not entertainment? Especially the money making machine that is the modern, $8 for a Bud Light and an extra $100 if you want your Sunday Ticket in HD NFL. That's right. Its $269 a year to watch your team out of market, and if you want to see those games in High Def, its $369.

Other more qualified writers have already broken down how the NFL has priced out all the real fans and its all club seating and luxury boxes now, so now that the American fans have been raped, they're going to try to pillage Britian.

While theres been two NFL games at Wembley, and literally one million ticket requests for those two games, its hard to imagine that there would be a sustained market over there. They just don't care for it. Like anything, you sort of have to grow up with something to appreciate it. Baseball is boring to anyone who can't get into the subtleties of the game. In that same vein, I don't care about art. I can appreciate a nice painting, but I've never cared to learn about the artist, or look into more art, or try it myself. Perhaps if I had grown up around it, or had painted myself I could appreciate it on a much deeper level. So a great work of art to me is a great diving catch to someone who doesn't watch baseball.

This is the only way I'll ever be able to compare Van Gogh to Jacoby Ellsbury...

So why should the English be able to really appreciate the strength and courage of Wes Welker? Its just a catch to them, not a dangerous route across the middle with Brian Urlacher bearing down on you, no pun intended. We can't appreciate the strength and composure of Didier Drogba fighting off defenders, to Americans its just a tap in goal, and we wonder why anyone would watch a game that ends 1-0.

(By the way, don't think it didn't kill me to use a Patriots receiver and a Chelsea striker as examples, they just happen to be the best possible examples in those situations, even if one is an ugly, diving, coin chucking bastard)

So maybe the NFL will put a team in England, and maybe it'll succeed at first. But don't be surprised when the London Silly Nannies become the Los Angeles Silly Nannies in 2016.

Here I Go Again On My Own

I will now attempt to conquer the internet. My fans, throughout the years, have been asking more and more of me. They would say things like, "Sure he can juggle...but can he peel an orange without his hands?" or, "Well, the accordion's nice and all but how's his Robert Goulet impression?" Blogging, I'm told, is the next great frontier yet to be conquered and sucked dry of all possible resources and usefulness. So here I am, on the precipice of something. I think I'll start with a topic I'm very familiar with and that I feel very passionate about: jazz.

No one cares about it except the people that play it.

Everyone thinks jazz musicians are snobs...this is true.

No matter how good a jazz musician you are, you WILL have to join a cover band to make any money at all.

Music jokes are only funny in an ironic sense. A dominant chord going to a diminished chord is hardly the work of The Marx Brothers.

Our whole lives lead up to the day we can pay off our student loans and finally relax with a nice cozy mortgage.

There you have it! All you need to know about jazz! I hope this has shed some light on some of the crushing stereotypes cast upon jazz musicians. We are a proud race of delusional idiots who never grow up.

Uninspired

The mother of Michael Nesmith from The Monkees invented white out, Liquid Paper, specifically. When he inherited this money he used it to finance the movie Repo-Man.

True story.

Now I owe you a weekend blog.

I didn't see this coming

So much for Bratz dolls.

I couldn't care less about this from the copyright infringement standpoint, Mattels designs being stolen means nothing to me. The most important thing is that the Bratz empire has come toppling down and its a great day for humanity.

I really hate children, but marketing the idea of being a raving bitch to young girls through a doll that looks like Tila Tequila just seems wrong to me, even if Tila's head to body ratio is even less realistic. And, depending on how much I drink, I hate whores. Bratz weren't doing much to tell girls not to be massive whores. Oh, sure, they never said "Hey, be a whore." But its certainly implied. Look at them, role models they are not. Dr. Phil even feels that they look like hookers, not to say I turn to him for anything, ever. But my grandmother seems to like him a lot.

This also eliminates the chance of a second Bratz movie, which perhaps alongside Dane Cook, is the bane of my existance. It seems like a stupid thing to concern yourself with but to think that anyone involved with that film, including Paula Abdul(I believe she did costumes, it was mentioned on the short lived reality show, Hey Paula!), enjoyed it for one second or had any sense of satisfaction because of the "work" they did is sickening.

The true justice may be for the people who make these dolls in China, they've been making 17 cents an hour for years. In fact, if these dolls were made in America(USA! USA!) they'd be $90. The bad news is that now that no more dolls can be sold, they'll be making zero cents an hour. So now they'll be unemployed slobs, just like us!

Circle of life.

Tired

I live in Florida. Bright, sunny, rainy at times, Florida. Our biggest export is oranges, and the news more then often will display some sort of horrifyingly bizarre story involving alligators/opossums/wild boars in someone's driveway/backyard/swimming pool. We are home to a dazzling array of tourist attractions, such as Disney World, Downtown Disney, and Epcot. Good old Florida, public transportation does not exist and where you can travel from mini city to desolate country wasteland in .5 seconds. I really love my state.

What makes me love Florida even more is that I (somewhat willingly) chose to attend university here. 20 minutes south of my northern hick abode, if you will. I attend a school where every douchebag from the northeast frequents, driving daddy's bmw's having at minimum 3 trust funds and a summer house in the Hamptons. I fit like a glove. A bedazzled one among a sea of Coach lovers, if you want to get complicated.

What bothers me most about my overprivileged counterparts is their failure to accept that we, in fact, live in the South. This is not the tundra you flew down on your private silver bird, but rather a "tropical" paradise, at least how the pamphlets sell it. I can wear flip flops 340 days out of the year, because chances are that other 25 will be spent in something that looks like it could be a coat. 

I will never accept your uniform, my orange (but it's natural) skinned friends. Your Northface/Uggs/Coach bags with matching Victoria's Secret Pink sweatpants, with your face overly done in makeup with your hair also perfect coifed. Was it so hard to put on jeans, so hard to not put your pajamas back on after you've already groomed yourself for your daily to do? It is your indifference to life that makes me so very, very confused.

Now, maybe I am a snob. Correction, I am a snob when it comes to clothes. But i have good reason. I have spent a considerable amount of my own hard earned money (Thank you Toys R Us) on what I believe to be a decent wardrobe (prove me wrong). I thrift, I accept hand me downs, I alter what i can. I know that when I go outside in my sweatpants, someone's judging me. You can't help it. And I have a complex. 

I still see no reason to accept you college girls. Look across any campus in America and you will see exactly what I mean. EVERYONE IS THE SAME. And what a scary thought that is for the "individualists" i.e the mildly trendy people trying not to get on the "Thirsty Thursday" party bus.

Quote Heavy

As a reasonable person, I hate Beyonce. So imagine my anger when I read this article about celebrities that will be flocking to the Obama inauguration.

Beyonce says, and I quote...

"I'm there. I can't wait. I feel like all of us, we're ready to do whatever we have to do. If they need me to volunteer, they need me to sing, I'm there and I'm ready."

First of all, shes talking like a pitcher that was asked to go on 3 days rest in the playoffs. Secondly, "need"? Are you kidding?

No one "needs" Beyonce for anything. I understand how famous and successful she is, and that her and Jay-Z are the worst(I actually typed that, obviously I meant worlds. Freudian slip) richest power couple even though they have very little "power" in the grand scale of things, regardless of how much Beyonce thinks she can help Barack Obama. "Sasha Fierce" can stay home.

I don't like to talk about politics here, even though most people who would read this agree with my feelings. It gets people all riled up and far too serious, its much more fun to get people screaming about how much we all hate Audrina Patridge. But I just want to mention how Obama has done well by separating himself from shitty people. The only celebrity that he has close public ties with is Oprah, which is just a good idea for anyone.

You never saw him with Reverend Al did you? White people never would have voted for him. In that same vein, he can't possibly want anything to do all the celebrities that will be jumping on this bandwagon. For every respectable one, there will be five that you wouldn't even want to meet. One "celebrity" ball will be hosted by Lou Gosset Jr. who you probably thought died shortly after the filming of Iron Eagle II. Or was it III? Facts have no place here.

Even though I support Obama, I'm very aware that people like Beyonce have turned that into a trendy, douchebag activity. But this is the inauguration, so luckily everyone can shut up about this for another four years as of January 21st.

My Favorite Christmas Movie

Let the record show that I don't want to be writing this right now. I'm starting this at 3:01am. I could be trying to sleep, or watching Alton Brown teach me how to make baklava. But because I feel guilty about not posting anything on Monday(There was a complaint, I'm not even kidding. Thanks, Dave) here we are with my epic piece on Die Hard. I use the term loosely as I'm not a proper journalist, I don't outline anything and I'm bad at finishing what I write. Its all very in depth and then I rush the ending because I lose focus. But look at this, a lead in, my first one ever. So here you have it, my reasons for Die Hard being my favorite Christmas movie ever...

We're closing in on the 20th anniversary of Die Hard's release in Argentina. Its only 12 days away, in fact. Why Argentina? Because Die Hard was released in the US on July 15, 1988, the 20th anniversary was nearly 5 months ago and this blog didn't exist then. I had just assumed it was released around the holiday season as its Christmas in the movie. Shows what I know. It might be too much of a stretch for me to celebrate the films Argentine(I prefer this term to Argentinian, though I'm not sure its correct at all) release, its December now and I think Christmas is a perfect reason. After all, the movie begins on Christmas eve, there's a Christmas party, and I generally hate holiday movies. You knew I wasn't going to pick Miracle on 34th Street, so I made Die Hard qualify.

For those unfamiliar with the film that don't want the end ruined, you've had 20 years to see it, and I'm going to talk about every second of it. So move it to number one on your Netflix queue, watch it tomorrow and then come back and read this. If you don't know if you want to see it, just know that its the greatest pure action movie of all time. I say pure action to separate it from war movies, dramas with explosions and super hero films. And I know that some people find the action genre off putting. After all, look at what its given us in recent years. The Condemned, The Marine, Max Payne, anything with Vin Diesel. As you can see, things can go pretty wrong pretty fast.

The problem these days is that we don't have a great action star. With all these superhero movies its the unlikely hero, starting with Toby McGuire in Spiderman, that has done away with the ultra-built, knuckle dragging types. We have Jason Statham but honestly, what are the chances of him doing something on the scale of Terminator or Predator? There just isn't an actor who could play a role convincingly enough to draw everyone in.

So what makes Die Hard different? Simply put, brilliant writing and absolutely perfect casting. Which wasn't the original plan.

I've said for a long time that I don't like Bruce Willis, but I love John McClane. Maybe not John McClain in Die Hard 2, and not really John McClane in Die Hard: With A Vengeance either. But 1988 John McClane is one of my favorite movie characters of all time. I'm not the only person who feels this way, either. Willis wasn't the studios first choice. In fact, according to IMDB, Arnold Scwarzenegger was the first choice. I think I could have tolerated that version, it would certainly lack authenticity because how many New York cops have Austrian accents? But certainly better than the other three actors that were awarded the role before it went to Willis.

The next choice was Sylvester Stallone. Granted, a massive star at the time, and inexplicably, still. Rambo and Rocky Balboa didn't turn out to be the dumpster fires that everyone expected them to be(but were by no means good) so somehow hes still relevant. I'm convinced this would have been a disaster. Stallone had just made three terrible films(Rocky IV, Cobra, Over the Top) and wouldn't have done much better with this. Just imagine watching him say all the lines on the radio to Hans and try not to cringe.

After that, and I swear I'm not making this up, you had Burt Reynolds, who would have just turned it into the mustachioed, swaggering fuckery that he does best. Or, once again, not kidding, Richard Gere. Which maybe just seems impossible to me seeing as I'm not old enough to remember his action past. When I think of him now, I think of Dr. T and the Women. But in 1986 Gere had played a maverick cop in No Mercy and presumably turned down Die Hard for that reason.

The studio was just afraid of the reaction Bruce Willis would get. In fact, they left his face off of the early posters because they were worried the Willis haters wouldn't see the film, it was added after the movies big opening. And people will yell at me when I say I hate Bruce Willis and they always justify it with "Dude...Die Hard" so I suppose he gets a lifetime pass. But look at what else hes done. You have the good(The Sixth Sense, the most forgettable part of Pulp Fiction), his bad (The Fifth Element, Armageddon, The Whole Ten Yards) and his complete, utter failures (The Kid, Hudson Hawk, Look Who's Talking, Look Who's Talking Too). So excuse me for disliking him the way I do. And lets not forget his foray into music.



As for the director, John McTiernan isn't one of the better know directors today, but he accomplished quite the feat in 1990. After directing Predator, Die Hard and The Hunt For Red October, he joined only Steven Spielberg(Raiders of the Lost Ark, E.T., Temple of Doom) as the only director to direct three straight $100 million+ films. He parlayed this success into stealing $5 million to direct Last Action Hero and finally murdered his career by directing Rollerball. But lets not focus on the negative, depressing present.

The two best casting decisions were both relatively unknown actors at the time. Alan Rickman, who had never done a film before, and Alexander Godunov, better known as a ballet dancer than an actor.

Rickman, of course, played Hans Gruber who is easily my favorite movie villian of all time. I've never made a definitive list but I know hes number one. The voice is the selling point, his delivery is wonderful and its because of a deformity he was born with. Rickman has that distinctive drawl because he was born with a very tight jaw. It took him years to be able to speak as normally as he can.

Hes a lot like George Clooney in the Oceans movies, just smarter and portrayed negatively. He also has no qualms about killing people, Clooney never seemed too interested in that. His ruthlessness is seen in what is perhaps his best line in the film "I wanted this to be professional, efficient, adroit, cooperative. Not a lot to ask. Alas, your Mr. Takagi did not see it that way... so he won't be joining us for the rest of his life."

Hans Gruber might be pure evil, veiled by his education and style, but you just love him. Hes so cool the entire time and despite Bruce Willis trying to destroy his plan he always has an answer. The same goes for Karl, hos main henchman played by the aforementioned Godunov. Hes a tall, imposing figure and the archetypal humorless model of East German efficency. He was a member of Baryshnikovs ballet troupe until, for seemingly no reason, he was kicked out in 1982. After that he turned to acting and won critical acclaim in Witness and was very funny as Max in The Money Pit. Its worth wondering where he went until you realize he died in 1995 from alcohol withdrawal. He turned down every role he was offered because everyone only wanted him to play Karl or a dancer.

And another reason that the terrorists are so likeable is because they aren't terrorists at all. Terrorists are pretty hard to like, even back then. So McTiernan turned it around. The original script called for them to be terrorist but he felt this was too dark. He made them bank robbers posing as terrorist to cover the fact that they're only in the building to steal $600 million from the vault. Everyone enjoys a robbery plot because at some point they considered it themselves. Terrorism? Not so much

Then theres the fact that police and media are such instant hate figures. With the exception of Reginald VelJohnson basically every other cop you see is a preening dickface. Starting with none other than the recently deceased Paul Gleason known best as Principal Vernon in the Breakfast Club, a movie I've never seen if you'd believe it. But he plays Deputy Chief Dwayne Robinson and is the typically condescending higher up to Officer Powell's everyman type. Throughout the movie Gleason actually becomes something of a sympathetic figure because he becomes powerless at the hands of the FBI and develops a sense of humor. I laugh everytime he very matter of factly says "We're gonna need more FBI guys, I guess." after both FBI agents die when their helicopter is shot down.

But the way the police become involved at all is my only point of contention with this movie. Maybe its just because I grew up in a post-9/11 world, but Bruce Willis does a great job of getting in contact law enforcement with a serious problem and they leave twice. It was a different time though, they show a gas station that sells regular gas for 74 cents. The Paranoia just wasn't there. The fake fire alarm is understandable, but when he gets on the roof and calls in a terrorist attack he is ignored. If someone in Los Angeles calls in a terror threat from a skyscraper today, fucking Delta Force would be on the roof in 90 seconds. The bitchy dispatch whore just tells McClane that "if you have an emergency you need to dial 911" to which he responds 'Does it sound like I'm tryin' to order a fucking pizza!?" followed by gunshots, her only reaction is to say "See if there's a black and white that can do a drive by."

I can only imagine that her character was fired after the end of the movie. In the alternate Die Hard universe, of course.

But every character has their complexities and almost no one is a cartoonish stereotype. Willis' estranged wife Holly(played by Bonnie Bedelia who now does Lifetime movies such as "A Mothers Right: The Elizabeth Morgan Story) is your strong, independent woman. Unafraid of Gruber and stands up for the hostages. There the comic relief on the terrorist end, Theo, their code breaker who has a constant commentary on the LAPDs ineptitude. And my favorite minor character, Argyle, the blissfully ignorant limo driver who picked up McClane from the airport and is waiting in the parking garage. It takes him about 90 minutes to realize that anything has happened at all. And the look of satisfaction on his face when he knocks out Theo is just outstanding.

The only complete stereotype in the film is Ellis, Holly's co-worker and the exact definition of a yuppie, right down to his coke problem. He gets a pass because of the negotiation scene with Hans but you have to think that if this movie were shot in New York he'd have left the party early because he had reservations at Dorcia.

Most importantly, John McClane isn't a stereotype. The opening few minutes make you worried. He seems like an uptight, uncool, bastard. The way he sits in the front seat of the limo or the way he is somewhat standoffish with Argyle. But he lightens up and you see his sense of humor come through, especially when talking to Hans. While corny at times it really humanizes him and its a nice departure from the mechanized destroyers like Arnold. There's also his conversation with Powell where he tells him what to say to Holly. "She's heard me say 'I love you' a thousand times, but she's never heard me say 'I'm sorry'". A scene which calls for tears. Certainly Stallone couldn't have done that in his late-80's heyday. Richard Gere for sure, but definitely not Stallone.

I said I'd describe every single detail of the movie but after coming this far it seems unnecessary. I've described all the reasons that I love it, and that was the point of doing this. Besides, I didn't want to write a book. But after reading this, if you don't feel compelled to watch it or didn't learn something, I'd be very surprised. I think I made a good case for its greatness, and I'm willing to call it the most entertaining movie of all time. A bold statement, but its true.

Not the best movie of all time. There's been better acting, better scripts, better directors. But pound for pound, nothing tops this on the entertainment scale. You're enthralled for the whole 132 minutes(an unheard of run time with current action schlock) and the ending leaves you perfectly satisfied.

And personally, writing this obsession piece about my un-ironic love of a late 80s action movie starring Bruce Willis makes me look like slightly less of a hipster douchebag, which I obviously am.