Short and Horrible

If you grew up like me, and you probably didn't, your grandfather was a diesel mechanic who really loved TNN(thats the Nashville Network, for those who don't remember what came before Spike TV). I spent a lot of time at my grandparents house, and he sure as hell wasn't changing the channel for some bastard kid. So I watched a lot of TNN too. This meant seeing endless amounts of horsepower bullshit, like mud bogs, tractor pulls, and the dumbest, most bad ass monster truck ever, Snake Bite.

But mostly monster trucks, which I'll admit to loving at the time. All young boys have a fascination with trucks, which thank god I lost. Now I'm just a catty, effeminate writer. Regardless, that experience left me with my first feeling of being embarrassed by what I was seeing on TV. It takes a lot to dumb down monster trucks, but Monster Wars did it with aplomb.

Its really hard to watch, because its one of the least funny things you've ever seen. But its something you need to experience because from this point forward you will always use this as the high water mark for what you'll consider the worst thing you've ever seen.

I give you....Monster Wars.

This may have been an especially tense contest as I was a Grave Digger fan, my grandfather supported Carolina Crusher, which looks like Hulkamania era Hulk Hogan embodied in a monster truck. But more importantly, heres 45 seconds of two men that have obviously just been shit out the bottom of the wrestling industry and had to hope their children would forgive them for what you just saw. At least Grave Digger, better known as Skeletor, whose style hes stolen, gets to wear a mask. Crusher isn't so lucky. This failure of a man beast might still be recognized walking down the street, or being spit on in restaurants(Stuckey's, natually), assuming he hasn't killed himself from the shame.

Spoiler alert, Carolina Crusher wins.

The most amazing part is that he wins the race in 2.78 seconds, and that requires 45 seconds of costumed hype, followed by 30 seconds of screaming by a man who has to cry himself to sleep at night.

Somehow, this show only lasted one season in 1993/94 and the champion was a truck with no mascot, Bearfoot. Bigfoots lame brother. Or so I always assumed. I was 5.

I hope you feel enlightened.