Paris Hilton's My New BFF

As we've all seen and hopefully never cared about too much, being Paris Hilton's best friend isn't the easiest of jobs. That didn't stop a bunch of desperate to be on tv pillocks from lining up for the slaughter. Willingly being Paris' best friend is like signing Terrell Owens to your football team, or putting a gun to your head and pulling the trigger just to see if you're the one who doesn't die. There will doubtlessly be a sudden yet inevitable betrayal. And none of these poor dolts will see it coming.

The potential BFFs are all invited out to a party at Les Deux(where else?!?) while Paris lets us know that being a best friend is a business, and nothing is just for fun. She demonstrates this as she watches the contestants on CCTV with her aunt and perpetually silent boyfriend Benji Madden who doesn't speak an audible word in this episode. His mouth opens twice, but hes just mouthing the words.

The potential BFFs are standard fare when it comes to reality shows. Several underwhelming contestants, several who a certain beyond a shred of a doubt that they've got what it takes to be hated by Paris in six months, and one outrageous Asian American man-lady named Onch who wears a technicolor pretzel necklace.

But he isn't the only one with outstanding attributes, oh no. Athena can't stop talking about how she can teach Paris about sorority life. Brittany looks like an American Apparel model that has spent the last two nights sleeping in a gas station bathroom. Vanessa has a lot of post acne scarring. And Kayley Gable informs us right off the bat that shes Clark Gables one and only grand daughter, which is how she starts every conversation shes every had assuredly.

After the party Paris sends a group of girls off in a car with a gift bag that contains blindfolds and new Blackberrys. The blindfolded girls are driven to the airport where there get a "PARISTEXT"(like Tyra Mail, but...well, for the equally stupid. There's no joke here) informing them that they aren't BFF material and they'll have to go the hell home. I wonder if Paris will keep paying to keep their new phones on?

Everyone else is taken to the McMansion that looks like every other reality show house and everyone is informed that their luggage has been "lost". A clever rouse by Paris, no doubt. Fear not though as everyone is taken to Van Nuys Airport where they'll be getting makeovers in an airplane hangar from the Heatherette guys, Paris' homosexual yes men. They go from person to person telling them how they should look, laying on the peer pressure in a way that you didn't think existed outside of anti-drug PSAs. When Bryan, Sinsu and Michelle refuse to be made over, they are cast out and must sit in the corner by themselves. They will also be forced to wear the same clothes they've had on for two days to the InTouch magazine party.

At the party its brought to Paris' attention that Kiki said she doesn't want to be there. Of course, people are in a rush to tell Paris because this happens in every reality show. So at elimination its Kiki vs. Michelle who looks like she ran to auditions from the Rock of Love 7 set(she admits her breasts are fake. Her lips and hair look none too convincing either.) After much deliberation, Paris decides to get rid of Michelle because she wouldn't dye her fake blonde hair fake black and that's a deal breaker in the world of overbearing BFFs, apparently.

So you couldn't expect much less from this, its exactly what we want/despise. Expect Onch to be on The Soup every week for as long as he stays on the series(side note: after his makeover he looks a lot like Margaret Yang from Rushmore). 11 episodes to go and whats got to be an inevitable season two. We wait with baited breath.

(Also, the show that premiered after this, Man and Wife, was quite the curiosity. Its Fatman Scoop and his wife in some bizarre relationship advice/absurdist molestation comedy. Its worth checking out before the cancel it three episodes from now)