Grief Digestion Theater

Gotta Get It On

2009-02-05T01:42:00.002-05:00

No choice but to get it on!

Hey you! Do you masturbate? Or should I ask if you used to masturbate but have freed yourself from this evil only by the grace of god?

Well if you want everyone to know that you abstain from something that 99% of humanity takes part in because of some insane superstition, this shirt is for you!

That's right, line up, because they're going to go fast. Say it loud, "I'm an Ex-Masturbator and I'm proud."

Now even though you're just as likely to grow hair on your palms or go blind from masturbating as you are to get into heaven, at least your tshirt will be all the rage at CreationFest.

Stuff

2009-01-28T20:59:00.002-05:00

A Law and Order re-run is on mute behind me. Had this show, any of the versions, ended 5 years ago, I'd have been okay with it. I see that Jeremy Sisto is now in the cast, formerly of Six Feet Under. I never watched that show. But he's important because he was in a little known film that plays on Showtime every so often called Population 451 which also stars.....get ready.........keep anticipating........almost.........Fred Durst!

Yes, he plays Deputy Bobby...something, I forget. It doesn't matter. Its this awful thriller and has the worst ending I've ever seen. From what I've heard, I Know Who Killed Me has the worst ending of all time but I couldn't hang in for it. But I'm willing to put the end of this movie up against anything.

If you haven't guessed, there will be no central theme here. I've given you gold in my last three posts, this is undeniable. But no one has been reading, today we got as many hits from Australia as we did from America. Two from each, last I checked. I'll never stop being fascinated by where people are when they read this by accident. Someone from the Cornell University medical department read a post today, probably the smartest person that has ever done so. Unfortunately whoever it was stumbled upon my poorly written 30 Rock piece. Poor first impression.

I've tried to figure out what gets the people talking. The posts with the most comments thus far include last years best of, 9 comments. Then it was a discussion about a local porn star who will remain nameless, 7 comments. Rounding out the top 3 was a discussion about Family Guy with 6. So we're all over the place.

And I'm far too distracted to keep writing now. I've been drinking, you see. So now I'm ordering a pizza, and then I will read. Kristen bought me a book.

"We have a love/eight relationship."

2009-01-27T15:13:00.002-05:00

And in the spirit of starting with two straight Simpson's references, John Updike, ghostwriter of Krusty the Clown's autobiography, has died. He will be missed. I've never read any of his work though I'm sure its fine stuff, as I hear his name often.

In other interesting news, we had our first hit from Romania today, someone in Cluj. Cluj gave Chelsea quite a run for their money in the Champions League group stages, so good for them. Worryingly, however, is that this guy stumbled upon us by googling "digestion humorless."

Perhaps hes onto something...

Lastly, if you direct your attention to the links on the left, we have a Twitter now. Uh...I don't know why, honestly. I had some free time. So if you want to see what is essentially a bunch of unimaginative, unfunny Facebook status updates, click away. It passes the time.

So, as most of you probably heard yesterday, a woman in California gave birth to eight kids. Obviously I think this is horrifying. We glorify these things now when we should be doing the exact opposite, its needless. Now I'm sure this woman didn't set out to have eight children but she should be forced to pick the four that will survive, and the rest will be put down. Just because she irresponsibly scarfed down fertility drugs like a retard on pudding day doesn't make her a hero. But she'll be treated as one, and she'll probably get a show on TLC.

Now in fairness, this was basically an accident. She isn't as bad as that insufferable Duggar family. You know, 18 kids and counting? It was 17 but that bitch had another one. Worse yet, their oldest son got married to a girl that he never kissed, because he was raised in what is essentially a religious cult. I'm not sure what TLC wants us to think, it seems like they're just playing it as a straight documentary in order to outrage the viewing public. Sort of like My Super Sweet Sixteen which is nothing short of an abomination, but you knew that.

In an ideal world, we would live under an extremely oppressive government that has developed the technology to control reproduction and if you wanted a child you have to apply. You have to make a certain amount of credits a year(remember, its the future) to ensure that you can provide for it, as well as a physical and mental evaluation. If you pass that, then and only then will you be able to have a child. One single child, we'll have the technology. You must resubmit your claim for each subsequent child, and only in the event of your child's death will you be able to have more than two.

Every child is not special, because that would mean none are special. And some grow up to be Heidi Montag, there are no excuses for that.

The Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson

2009-01-26T18:54:00.002-05:00

Religion can turn some people crazy, and some people, well, they were just crazy to begin with.

Case in point, David Leibe Hart. You may know him from two episodes of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! He's the guy with the puppets who sings. What most of us that don't live in or around Los Angeles don't know is that hes had a show out there on cable access for nearly 20 years.

This show....I really don't know what to say about it. I think if someone were doing it with the intent to be funny it'd be horrible. It is honestly nothing short of spectacular, though I'd suggest watching it in short bursts. A full hour might kill you.

This clip from Screenwipe(still the best show you've never heard of, all 5 seasons are on youtube) describes it very well, and most of my thoughts only echo Andy Nyman's. So instead of ripping off every word he says, I'll just link the video.

The best part about it is that there are hours of this stuff online. 20 minute segments of a puppet and an old man sitting reading the bible aloud, much like you would in 4th grade when you go around the room reading from a text book. Its also just as exciting. Boring as those clips may be, you can't help but to be fascinated by the absurdity of what you're watching. These are the ramblings of a mad man. A man who believes he was abducted by aliens teaching children to avoid crack cocaine.

Its outright lunacy, is what it is. And you know I don't like to over hype things in fear of letting people down, I can get carried away with how good I think something is. This is not the case with The Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson. You can't possibly set someones expectations too high, because no one has ever seen anything like this.

Examples...

- A puppet named Chip the Black Boy
- A man with a guitar that he can't play and isn't in tune
- Chip's puppet wife leaves him for another man and develops a crack habit
- Satanic clown wearing a fez playing accordion
- Everything looks superimposed over an acid trip

Clicking these links will probably be the best decision you make this month, perhaps even this year. That's saying something, we've got 11 months to go.

I'm Offended

2009-01-23T16:49:00.002-05:00

I think I was going to write this on Monday but I didn't have enough material, I've got what I need now. So heres some things that prove that you don't need to be a minority to be upset by the words of others.

1.) The wheelchair community is angry.

"As for Cheney(fine article in The Guardian about him fighting with Bush in the final days), he attracted various arch valedictions after he appeared on Inauguration Day in a wheelchair, having apparently strained his back while filling a removal box. Comparisons with Dr Strangelove were criticised by members of the US disabled community who said it reflected unfairly on wheelchair users."

Apparently the dissenters from the US disabled community aren't only physically handicapped but mentally as well. Speaking vegetables, really. They have no sense of humor, frame of reference or appreciation for taking one last jab at one of the most evil men to ever be elected to public office. Cheney did shit that would make Caligula cringe, and no one in a wheelchair thought it was funny to compare him to a famous evil and crazy character that also happened to be in a wheelchair?

They also may have been Republicans, in which case this would all make sense. They probably haven't seen Dr. Strangelove, they're too busy watching Delta Farce on a loop. I'm sure they'd laugh if theres wheelchair bound people in that because if its a Mexican in a wheelchair, game on.

2.) This Pepsi ad

I don't know if The Who just signed an awful record deal or are too old to care, but their music has been used in some really shit projects. All the CSI's and now this.

I love advertising, for the most part. I'm a complete brand whore, regardless of what it is I'm doing. I won't settle for owning the second best, or what is perceived to be second best. Its a complete waste of money. Nike does it best, their commercials are more inspirational than Jesus, and in some cases, the coolest fucking commercial of all-time. But Pepsi gets it wrong.

They try to make it seem like they were instrumental in all these generational transitions when in truth they're only instrumental in getting diabetes.

3.) Another attempt at an AbFab remake

I like my fair share of really gay things, Absolutely Fabulous is one of them. Call it a guilty pleasure. No young, straight man should enjoy a show about single, drunk women in their 40s. But the characters are incredible and like with most great comedies its not about punch lines, just pure absurdity.

Middle America hates absurdity. They want a bitchy mom, oafish father, a daughter with a "whatever" attitude and wacky neighbor. Oh, and a laugh track, how would they know whats funny if not for that? America will murder Absolutely Fabulous, just like they tried to murder Spaced. Hopefully they'll never get the chance. They tried it once before and it failed, that should have been a hint.

4.) 100-0 girls basketball game

So who's fault is this one? At first I thought blamed the coach of the losing team for not pulling his girls off the court. Kind of like a Bad News Bears situation when they were losing 22-0 to the Yankees in the first inning. Then I read this...

"Dallas Academy has eight girls on its varsity team and about 20 girls in its high school. It is winless over the last four seasons. The academy boasts of its small class sizes and specializes in teaching students struggling with "learning differences," such as short attention spans or dyslexia."

Its a team thats 5 players short and full of kids with kindly worded "learning differences!" Jesus Christ. They played a full court press against them and were still hitting 3's in the 4th quarter! The Covenant School's coach had to know that going in. I know about trap games, I know that you have to be ready for every opponent regardless of how bad they're playing, but theres a line. I think that line is crossed when you beat up on a team that hasn't won in 4 years and is reading on a 3rd grade level. They're willing to forfeit the win but that means the losing teams only win in the last 4 seasons has been a forfeit because a team that killed them felt bad about it afterwards. Hows that for building self esteem?

The glory in all this is that its one more black eye for women's team sports. And as an outspoken critic, I'm glad the last three stories involving girls basketball have included Imus, Candice Parker's fight and now this.

I promise you an awesome post the day the WNBA goes down in flames.

Morning News

2009-01-21T06:13:00.000-05:00

I'd like to be writing this later, maybe around 8 so it would look like I just got up. But you know better when someone is posting at 5:21, I haven't gone to sleep. I know that I'm up to late when the sprinklers come on outside, they're what disappointment sounds like. But I can't go to sleep yet, I have to let this chili settle. That is to say that I heated up some chili about 45 minutes ago.

Jesus Christ. I'm not even drunk.

Stranger yet, I heated it up in a mug. Perhaps to limit the amount I could cook and subsequently jam down my stupid face.

But there is actual things to discuss this morning besides poor sleep patterns and worse dietary habits, oh yes. We have a new addition to the staff.

James Dunphy is a writer who is a fan of the low end of the spectrum, much like myself. But where I'm more attracted MTV/vomit inducing celebrity end, he covers a more G4 end. Hes big on things along the lines of wrestling, anime and Magic: The Gathering which I tolerate, dislike and like but never really played much in that order. Regardless, there are holes in my coverage of low culture and he can plug some of the gaps. Besides, he takes some of the work load off me which is nice on one hand but on the other now I don't have an excuse for mailing it in anymore.

He tends to go more in depth than me, I'll chalk that up to what is likely a better attention span. So if you've ever left wanting more here, that will be taken care of here on Thursdays from now on. So starting tomorrow be sure to check out what James has to say and if you'd like to familiarize yourself with some of his past work just click the link to his personal blog, King of Ants, on the left of the screen.

The tragedy of this is that there are only seven people who have ever commented on this blog, including myself and now four of them write for it. We really need to branch out.

And if you're going to click the link over on the left to James blog, or in the event that you've just skipped to this part for whatever reason, please take note of the other new link. Thats right, Chocolate Leg starts today as well. Its my side project, so to speak. It'll be slightly more personal, not in a "I sat in bed last night wondering if I've ever been truly happy" kind of way, more of a shit that no one else is interested in reading kind of way. My random thoughts about Arsenal or a gas station or my cat. Check it out if you'd like, I don't know if it'll be an everyday thing but its there for whenever you're desperate.

You might also be wondering if my chili anecdotes will be moving to that blog. The answer is no, this is where those belong. Those are gold.

44

2009-01-20T16:29:00.003-05:00

Keith Olbermann keeps saying "puckish."

I'm watching inauguration coverage on MSNBC, my preferred news outlet as I am a despicable, godless, pinko commie little shit. But thats okay now, its acceptable in our new left wing America where you don't get told to move to France if you aren't happy with torture or wire tapping or banks stealing all of your money. Its amazing how many places still probably sell "Freedom Fries," the mongoloids.

Speaking of patriotism, and mongoloids, today is about Alex Rodriguez. He's a polarizing figure, an undeniable talent and a Grade-A prat.

The World Baseball Classic really isn't that big of a deal now. Not on the level of Olympic Basketball and nowhere even close to the World Cup or European Championships. But Alex Rodriguez played for the United States in the first one and now hes playing for the Dominican Republic this year. How does that work? I might be wrong, but I'm nearly positive that hes half Dominican/half Puerto Rican which gives him the option to play for any of the three countries. But if you've already picked one you can't just switch in the middle. This is another reason that hes a tool. Look at this quote about him being a magnet for criticism...

"When people write [bad things] about me, I don't know if it's [because] I'm good-looking, I'm biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team."

These are truly the words of an asshole. He doesn't come off as very intelligent or reflective, nor does he seem to have any self awareness. So Alex Rodriguez, because I'm sure you're reading, allow me to explain. People hate you because you're a purple-lipped douchebag who cheats on his wife and country and opted out of a $25 million a year contract so you could get a $27 million a year contract. Also, your highlights have been ugly for the better part of 10 years.

I'm really not a patriotic person at all, but I can't help but to take exception to the fact that he played for the United States, wore the uniform, wore the flag, and is now playing for a different country. Its hard to be surprised though, its only ever been about him. Hes not much for commitment, just ask his ex-wife.

The Super Early Vol. 2

2009-01-19T05:27:00.002-05:00

This isn't a real post, I mean, its not going to be more than 300 words. Theres going to be a real post later about things that offend me, as for now, heres something I've stumbled upon.

I'm doing this at 5:31am.

I'm on the Wikipedia for Leon Czolgosz, you may know him as the man who killed William McKinley(as if he were famous for other reasons), I found this paragraph to be pretty awesome.

"His last words were "I killed the President because he was the enemy of the good people – the good working people. I am not sorry for my crime."[7] As the prison guards strapped him into the chair, however, he did say through clenched teeth, "I am sorry I could not see my father."[7] His brain was autopsied by Edward Anthony Spitzka. Sulfuric acid was thrown into his coffin so that his body would be completely disfigured, resulting in its decomposition within twelve hours.[13] His letters and clothes were burned."

Right there you have a man who is unapologetic about killing the president, him being killed in the electric chair, sulfuric acid being thrown on his body and all his shit being burned. 1901 was a bad ass time.

Thank god I wasn't around, I would have lost a lot of fights. Probably while working at the textile factory, those were big back then.

FFCAAC:GRS's:PRESENTS: Suicide Tips

2009-01-17T23:43:00.002-05:00

Go to the "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" IMDb board.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1114740/

That should be motivation enough to take your own life. It should be noted that to achieve the level of depression necessary to kill yourself, you should click on every link to a youtube page or a personal blog or webpage. I'm sure you already know these people suck but I'm the one with the blog. And I'm incredibly uncreative at the moment.

fuck. I'm sorry.

Christian Movie Reviews

2009-01-15T15:01:00.002-05:00

Far be it from me to besmirch the good name of many religious people, many people of faith quietly go about their day without trying to fuck up anyone elses. As an Atheist, I feel that its important to stay out of everything. If you're an Atheist and you're going out of your way to try to prove that you're right, you're doing it wrong. Thanks for you work Richard Dawkins, but I believe it was the Methodist church that just thanked you for your "continued interest in god," which was actually pretty funny coming from them.

Here's what I'm getting at, 18 people wrote to the FCC to complain about Darren Aronofsky giving Mickey Rourke the finger at the Golden Globes. No doubt they all consider themselves good Christians.

My main problem is that anyone would bother with this. Secondly, why would anyones children be watching the Golden Globes? To see who Anne Hathaway was wearing? Yes, many 8 year olds have been thinking long and hard about just that. In fact, I'd argue that some of the dresses Sunday night were much more offensive than any hand gesture. What would cause more shameful, sinful, impure thoughts in a young man, Darren Aronofsky's middle finger or Salma Hayek's clevage?

As much as I hate children, and families, I'm not in favor of zero censorship. Squirting Goddesses 8 doesn't need to be on CBS in prime time for obvious reasons. It'd be crossing the line of freedom of speech straight into anarchy. You can imagine the ratings though.

This all reminded me of one of my favorite things that I'd completely forgotten about. One might argue that if I liked it so much I wouldn't have forgotten, but nevermind that. I have fallen back in love with Christian movie reviews.

There are endless amounts of sites that offer them up, and the less reputable the better. The more extreme, the more entertaining. You'd think the most violent, obscene films would have the best reviews but this doesn't seem to be the case. Everyone is shocked, SHOCKED, when a romantic comedy "looks cute" and turns into nothing but pre-marital sex and fart jokes.

For example, here's someones review from the comments section on the page for Because I Said So.

"I have a 13 year old daughter, and I thought this would be a fun “mother/daughter” chick flick we could cozy up to. I made her leave the room after the first 5 minutes when the scene showed a very sexually active Minnie discussing the details of her latest sexual romp"

Thanks, Leigh, age 35. But it only gets better. There is nothing but sheer outrage on the review for Marley and Me. I'm not entirely convinced that this one isn't fake.

"Please do not take your kids to see this horrible film. I took my 18 year old adopted Korean daughter, and we had to leave the theater, because I got tired of covering her eyes."

No one on this planet has lived a worse life than that girl. First of all shes adopted, so she was born into some shitty situation. Then things are exacerbated by her being adopted by a hardcore Christian woman who is intent on ruining her life with her bullshit. There are kids who would smash their mothers jaw and call her a whore if she ever tried to cover their eyes during a movie about a dog. How the hell is the girl prepared for real life? She's going to take some kind of disastrous turn at some point, probably soon. Children caught looking at porn who get beaten typically develop problems with women because their young mind starts to relate sex with violence and pain. Something like that had to have happened with this girl.

The comments are always more outrageous than the review on the site, somehow the review for Planet Terror was pretty positive, but once again, Marley and Me gets called out for dialogue, obviously written by heathen baby rapists.

"As for the profanity, the Lord’s name is profaned about 17 times. In addition, I counted 8 more curse words, including SOB and sh*t. Conversations of “balls” and “boobs” take place."

And this is just one site, I remember one I saw a few years ago where the guy doing the review for Jackass 2 walked out 8 minutes into the film. And just wait until you read a bunch of the stuff about Brokeback Mountain.

"Included are several scenes of men kissing each other passionately. These scenes are very realistic, and honestly left me with a sick feeling long after. The images are haunting, and so I must caution, spiritually dangerous for anyone who is not completely grounded in Scripture!"

And some wonder why I have issues with boring white people.

Uhh...

2009-01-14T19:18:00.002-05:00

So there was no Tuesday post because I got Fifa 09 and played for roughly 13 straight hours. I'm back at it, so...yeah. This is a place holder, there will be two Thursday posts including a new Heat Files, its a feature now.

You'll be happy to know I won the domestic the domestic treble(thats the league title, league cup and F.A. Cup, for those unfamiliar) and its win the Champions League or bust this season. And none of this matters, because its all fake.

More tomorrow.

Pointless Monday

2009-01-12T21:48:00.003-05:00

I'm not like most people, I don't hate Monday because its the end of the weekend. After all, I write a blog, what do days mean to me? Monday means that 24 is on, and that I probably won't watch it, and that's it.

The worst part about today is that I attempted to buy Fifa 09 and it was sold out everywhere I went. Needless to say, I'm furious. So I will lash out at you, the reader.

I take one swipe at Ann Coulter and it seems like everyone turns on me. Not by pouring their scorn on me, telling me that I hate America and should move back to my home on FrenchPussyHomo Island, but by saying nothing and ruining our 5 post comment streak. What were you thinking? The comment streak is a fine feather in our cap and now it has to be built back up from nothing. I hope you feel bad, honestly, I do.

Anyway, there is nothing going on that I'm passionate about right now in this great big world of entertainment that should be so easy to make fun of on a day to day basis. The Golden Globes happened last night but theres no need to watch them. Tracy Morgan yelling "Deal with it, Cate Blanchett" is probably on YouTube, so I didn't need to watch the three hours preceding his acceptance speech when 30 Rock won best comedy series. I also hear that Ricky Gervais was hilarious, but when is that not the case?

The big thing I noticed today, and maybe I'm late on this, Axe has hairstyling products now. Its as boring as it is infuriating. I saw it when I was walking through Wal Mart(Lay off me, I had a gift card. Why do you hate America?!) and then saw a commercial once I got home. Axe bodyspray has really been a big part in the downfall of society. Think thats an overstatement? Just go to the mall, look at all the douchebags and try to convince yourself that they don't own plenty of Axe products. These haircare products are for the discerning douchebag who thinks "Wow, wouldn't it be awesome if my hair looked as shitty as I smell?"

Hordes of gorgeous women don't gang rape guys who smell like high school locker rooms. Or anyone for that matter. I would have heard about it.

My Dumbening

2009-01-09T23:43:00.002-05:00

I can't help it. I have nothing worth saying tonight. I'm thinking as hard as I can but consider my situation. Martini Andy is watching Demolition Man on the other side of the room.

I never had a chance.

Let the record show that I hate 99% of movies set in the future. I don't know why anyone writes them because its obviously impossible to predict what any of this will be like. Clearly, Demolition Man failed. In 2032 there will be no ban on bad language, there won't be any sex helmets and hopefully there won't be any Wesley Snipes.

Other than that, well, nothing. I'm stupid now. I should have seen this coming. I have no brain anymore, I think its been replaced by a bunch of sticks and mud. Kind of like in Cannibal Holocaust, but through a different orifice.

Speaking of Canninal Holocaust(and people who need to be savagely beaten and subsequently consumed), Ann Coulter has a new book out. We don't talk much about books here, but does anyone want to review it? I don't think I could ever convince anyone to spend money on it but surely someone can steal it off their racist aunts toilet tank or something? I think it'd be interesting.

If you'd like to know my full thoughts on Ann Coulter, turn my Scott Boras piece into a Mad Libs and plug in Coulters name. The worst part about it is that people think shes hot. She certainly thinks so, look at her book covers. I happen to think her face looks like "2 girls, 1 cup" personified, but maybe thats just me.

Does anyone know who the best looking conservative is? I think you're hard pressed to find a good answer. Michelle Malkin? Elizabeth Hasselbeck(yes, shes married to Matt's loser brother, Tim)? Bristol Palin? Some random bitch that attends college in the south and may or may not be one of these LSU cheerleaders who may or may not sue me for libel and defamation of character(I just needed to put a face on this evil)? None of these are great choices.

Anyway, I'm taking suggestions. I have to go enhance my calm.

God damnit I hate this movie.

Technical Difficulties

2009-01-08T23:56:00.002-05:00

Todays post is a video. As it turns out, its taking forever to upload. Expect it late tonight or tomorrow, or never. I don't know what the problem is but we're being patient and we'll see what happens.

UPDATE: It has to be in a link, but here you have it, "Martini Andy Blinds Us With Science"

Its probably been said before...

2009-01-07T18:29:00.003-05:00

So it was suggested to me yesterday that I start doing top 10 lists and the idea of a top 10 things was brought up. Which sounds redundant until you realize I mean its just a list of stuff. Ten non-specific things that would probably be funny until I looked deep within myself. I really don't need to strive for credibility here. I could just as easily steal pictures of Jessica Alba from some other site and write about that, sending the traffic to this site up exponentially. But that's not what I'm about, and without trying to sound like a self important blowhard, I want to try to be funny without turning to randomness. Which brings me to my point this evening, I can now list my problems with Family Guy.

Some people don't understand what could possibly be wrong with the show, and I don't want you to think I hate it, but I think its all a little too easy. There are plenty of hilarious moments on that show, but I don't really see the comedic genius in throwing together as many 80's references as possible. Whats harder, setting up a great joke through story arc and timing or having someone walk into a room and see Judd Hirsch? That right there is why everyone else out there making cartoons really hates Family Guy. When South Park did their Family Guy episode they got thank you cards from the people at The Simpson's and flowers from the people at King of the Hill. Seth McFarlane deserves plenty of credit for what hes managed to do with what he created. No one else has brought back their cancelled show and turned it into an empire. I just don't think endless pop culture reference really count as talent.

This is the same reason that I dislike Robot Chicken, which is Adult Swim's second most popular show behind Family Guy. Then again, I don't think they have any shame about what they do as its clearly just a lot of pop culture references thrown together that follow no story.

Think of your favorite Family Guy quote. Do you know what episode its from? Probably not, because the story couldn't possibly mean less. A plot is only necessary in order from them to have a vehicle for all those flashbacks which, while funny, never have anything to do with anything. Maybe I'm bitter because I love the Venture Brothers so much, probably too much actually, and that show is extremely deep. Not to say you'd be lost if you just watched some random episode, but an insane amount of thing have happened that are relevant to every episode over the three seasons. Obviously this isn't always a problem, Seinfeld never referenced its past episodes, nor does The Simpsons, but the story matters in the individual episode.

Once again, its been an incredible run for them, the DVD and merchandise sales in Wal Mart and Hot Topic are beyond outstanding. That being said, Nickelback is pretty popular too. No, that's not fair. Coldplay. Coldplay is pretty popular too. I guess I like them as much as I like Family Guy.

What did we miss?

2009-01-06T17:57:00.002-05:00

I said this would be up at 7:00, so by my clock I have 52 minutes to write something of significance. I'll be honest, at this very second I've got nothing.

Most of my time in New Jersey was spent watching horrible things. I rediscovered the glory that is films such as Junior, Over The Top, and Robocop 3.

Robocop is really the worst idea for a movie of all time. If he were an action figure and only an action figure its a pretty decent idea, but to actually watch this film in action, its just unbelievably stupid. I can't speak for the first movie, which was obviously good(read: successful) enough to spawn two more films for the franchise, but Robocop 3 is an abomination. Its one redeeming factor is that is a hilarious abomination.

A film with a budget of $22 million brought in $10.6 million. Its that kind of bad. It revolves around Robocop fighting on the behalf of orphans because an evil corporation wants to destroy their homes and build strip malls and shit. Of course they have their own police force that rules over the Detroit(yes its set in Detroit, yes it was shot in Atlanta) police to make them more evil. Details are pointless because the story is irrelevant, but theres underground revolutionaries, street punks, a man named Paul McDagget, a pimpmobile impervious to rocket propelled grenades and it all mixes together to become the funniest movie you'd never expect to enjoyable at all.

Its a hell of a lot funnier than Paul Blart: Mall Cop is going to be, anyway.

Over The Top really deserves its own book. I can't do it justice in this one post, but I'll describe the plot. A trucker named Lincoln Hawk(played by Sylvester Stallone) tries to win back to love of his young son by going to Las Vegas and winning an arm wrestling tournament.

Here's the taglines...

-Lincoln Hawk will fight for his son the only way he knows how.

-Some fight for money... Some fight for glory... He's fighting for his son's love

-Driving headlong towards the biggest fight of his life.

It just has some of the most inexplicable scenes in it of all time, like Stallone's son still wanting to stay with him even though he just smashed his semi into the front of his father in laws mansion. Oh, this also features my favorite 80s movie stereotype, the rich father(father in law in this case) trying to buy someone off to stay away from their daughter(in this case grandson)

The soundtrack features Sammy Hagar singing a song called "Winner Takes it All" so, draw your own conclusions. It also features such stars as Frank Stallone, Asia, Eddie Money and Kenny Loggins. Sadly, its not available on iTunes.

So there you have it, how I spent my winter break. I'm a lot dumber now, but these things happen. Now excuse me as I have to go eat, I have strange hankering for paint chips...

Four Fried Chickens and a Coke: Greg Rosen Saturdays Presents: A Delay

2008-12-27T01:57:00.002-05:00

Well... maybe I should look into planning ahead or managing my time better. Either way the countdown that I know you all were looking forward to (judging mostly by the enormous amounts of feedback I got on my last post) will have to wait til next week. As it turns out Saturdays are not the best days for me as I am in a band and am often indisposed on the weekends. This weekend I will be in Boston.

So instead of a countdown not a single person cares about I will leave you with an idea I have that equally as many people care about.

I am on a big mummy kick right now. Mostly because I hate Brendan Fraser. And because I think that replacing or adding the word "mummy" into places it wasn't originally is funny. Example: Kung Fu Mummy, Two and a Half Mummies, Future Mummies, etc. So anyway my idea is for a movie, preferably a Sci-Fi original, in which Brendan Fraser, not his character from the Mummy series, is middle aged and haunted by the mummies of his past. He has Post Traumatic Mummy Disorder. Very rare. He hits the bottle pretty hard and almost never leaves his rocking chair. He always has his magnum and his faithful cat, Dickfart, by his side. His wives, children, and dwarves all leave him. He is a broken shell of a man.

In a rare fit of courage, Fraser attempts to reach out and start a mummy support group. This, however, ends in disaster when no one shows up except a misguided teenage mummy looking for a friend. Fraser without hesitation, in a blur of tears and erectile dysfunction, rends the young mummy limb from limb. He then proceeds to down an entire bottle of paint thinner. He staggers home on foot through hallucinations of mummified relatives and top hats who tell him to end it all. He finally makes it home and finds a mummy waiting in his rocking chair. Fraser eats its head. Once his devouring of the mummy's head is complete he gathers himself only to find that it was no mummy whose cranium he just ingested.... it was Dickfart! His only friend!

Upon this grim realization Fraser decides to listen to the headwear and kill his life. He realizes he will never escape his mummy-filled nightmare. He goes to a 24 hour Wallgreens and buys a bitchload of embalming fluid, papyrus, and Elmer's glue (for courage) He then proceeds to remove his brain and other internal organs in some of the most graphic scenes ever witnessed by human eyes. With his remaining brain matter, Fraser musters up the intelligence to complete the mummification by wrapping himself up and frightening comedy duos. Thus ends the tragic, stupid, ugly life of Brendan Fraser.

"'Twas the Mummies What Did Him In." Thats what I'll call it. Thoughts?

Young Republicans, Drinky Crow, organ meats

2008-12-26T05:00:00.000-05:00

They say if you can't sleep you should get up and do something, tossing and turning will do no good. So here I am. I took a nap from 11:30 until about 12:15 and now I haven't been able to get back to sleep for roughly 4 hours. So I'm here to start talking about nothing and see how it goes.

Sometimes I worry about what I write here because it'll be here forever. If there actually comes a time when I get sick of this blog and stop writing I'll probably forget to delete it and something will come back to haunt me. This should actually be my worst nightmare. You see, I feel more guilt and shame than most people, but more than anything, terrible regret. There are things I said as far back as 5th grade that I can't believe I said and I get uncomfortable thinking about them.

An excellent example, in my 7th English class, there was a discussion about the 2000 election. God knows why, what 13 year old could ever have a valid opinion on such a thing? At the time, I was a Bush supporter. Obviously this meant nothing, I couldn't vote, but I could yell about things I didn't understand. I've learned that this is how most people choose to discuss politics even far into adulthood. But I had chosen Bush because Gore would say annoying things and I liked George Bush Sr. I was a big fan of the Gulf War and had a lot more blood lust while I was younger.

So while we're debating this I've got my hand in the air, ready to say some asinine thing about why Gore sucks, that couldn't be based in less fact. I think it involved him using the term "lock box" as often as he did. While I'm waiting to be called on, only getting more angry with every word the other kids say, the girl next to me says "I don't want Bush to win, hes going to take away women's rights!"

Now, the appropriate response to this would have "No he won't, that impossible," or, "Stop being ridiculous."

But what did I scream at her? "Who cares?!"

God I hope everyone forgot about that one.

Anyway, back to random bullshit.
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Here is a horrible movie that you forgot existed: Eddie Griffin in Irish Jam. A black stereotype travels to Ireland to meet 1880s Irish stereotypes.
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Massive endorsement, watch The Drinky Crow Show, Sunday at 12:15am on Adult Swim. Its outstanding.

The episode "Old Girlfriend" is available in its entirety on adultswim.com right now. Some guy on IMDB called this show the "WORST 11 MINUTES EVER" but he also liked Superjail, so...

"Old Girlfriend" features cameos from Bret and Jemaine of Flight on the Conchords as aliens, in case you needed extra incentive.

Speaking of which...
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As I've mentioned before, Flight of the Conchords is coming back to HBO on Sunday, January 18th, hopefully you've already seem the premier from my post the other day. They only had it up there until the 21st but someone may have put it on Youtube.

And another favorite show of mine, Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations, is back on the Travel Channel Monday, January 5th at 10pm. While I never much cared for Tony Bourdain, they don't harp much on the "badass chef" thing that I find annoying and he makes on hell of a travel documentary. You spend the entire hour jealous of whatever hes doing, and hes made me want to try a lot more organ meats.
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Lastly, happy Boxing Day to our potential readers in the Commonwealth of Nations(that's the countries that used to be part of the British Empire, the more you know...). I'll be celebrating by watching Arsenal lose to Villa, and then I'll probably see the Cowboys lose Sunday. Then the sports misery trifecta will be in play.

Why do I even watch anymore?

Holidays

2008-12-24T23:39:00.002-05:00

Alright, I should have mentioned this. I'm not trying very hard right now. I'm at a rough place in my life after the Mark Teixeira debacle. But I have an excuse, its Christmas. In 21 minutes actually. So no real blog tonight, or tomorrow at all.

I'll post on Friday, Greg on Saturday and I'll be on a plane Saturday night. So who knows when you'll get posts next week. Be sure to check, of course, but I make no promises.

Full on, balls out blogging will resume in 2009 as we embark on our first full year.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah/Chanukah.

Eat A Bullet

2008-12-23T20:17:00.002-05:00

Agents

2008-12-23T20:15:00.001-05:00

I was originally going to write about this story out of Saudi Arabia, its about a father who sold his 8 year old daughter into marriage with a 58 year old man and for roughly $4,ooo.

But I've found something far more disgusting.

I have made no secret about being a Red Sox fan in the past, and there is nothing I wanted more than them to sign Mark Teixeira. But $12 million got in the way, and he went to the Yankees.
This isn't the Yankees fault, sure, Evil Empire and all that, but its not their fault that they have the money to spend. Its Teixeira's agent, Scott Boras who creates all these problems. Agents as a whole are horrible people, its a job that brings in nothing but assholes. You can't be a decent person and become and agents, your morals won't allow it.

They say that they're looking out for their clients best interests, but do you know what they are? Rapists. They rape the teams and they rape the fans. They're the cause of the disconnect between fans and players now. Jackie Robinson sold home appliances during the off season, Mark Teixeira could spend his off season jerking off onto $100 bills 10 times a day. Do you know how much money that would wind up being?

Lets say it takes three bills for him to clean up properly, that's $3000 a day. Its 151 days from November 1st to April 1st. $3000 multiplied by 151 gives us $453,000.

That would leave him with $22,047,000 in clean money.

That's just one season worth of money, hes got an 8 year contract

I'm not even mad about the amount, its the going rate. It's the times we live in and the current market for a player of his talents. But taking that into consideration, looking at all that money, whats another $12 million for the Red Sox? They have it and they didn't spend it. The fans have all the right in the world to be furious with the ownership.

The price is that high because of agents though. I know some of you have heard this before, but bare with me as I talk about Scott Boras.

Long story short, hes the one who forced Alex Rodriguez to opt out of a $252 million contract so he could force the Yankees into paying him $275 million. Hes the person that convinced Manny Ramirez to quit on the Red Sox, to stop trying and be a complete asshole until Boston had no choice but to trade him.

And now this. Now he talks his client out of what is a better fit in Boston so he can get more money for himself. Scott Boras is the most loathsome person on the planet. He is despicable. He is scum. I want to beat his face in with the butt of a pistol. I think that'd be most satisfying. Honestly, he can't die quick enough. If Se7en happened in real life, Kevin Spacey would have made Boras cut off a pound of flesh.

He deserves nothing less. Allow me to paraphrase myself when I say "Scott Boras is an absolute pig of a man. I hope he dies. I hope his family has to watch. Then his body should be burned in a trash can."

I wonder how his family feels. I'm not even sure he has one, he's probably into expensive prostitutes. But if he does have a wife I'm sure hes cheating on her. I don't know how she lives with herself. The money shouldn't make up for the shame she has to feel on a daily basis, knowing that her husband is a rapist. Or his children, no one chooses their father, but I'm sure they would have chosen anyone else. This goes for the children of all agents. If you're reading this and your father is an agent, kill him in his sleep. Better yet, make him suffer. The sight of his son turning on him, torturing him and taking his life would be incredible. He'd never expect it.

Then they'll understand how we feel. Then they'll know betrayal.

Heat Files: 28 Weeks Later

2008-12-22T17:32:00.001-05:00

Jim Gaffigan had a bit from his second Comedy Central Presents, or I think it was that one anyway, where he talks about seeing a movie years after it comes out and feeling awkward about wanting to discuss it with people because everyone else was done talking about it in 1995. The example he used was Heat.

"Hey any of you guys seen Heat?"

-"That came out like 8 years ago..."

"Yeah but...I wanna talk about it now."

So in the spirit of that, I give you Heat Files, a breakdown of films that aren't even remotely topical. Our first one is dedicated to 28 Weeks Later because I just watched it for the first time the other day when it was on Cinemax.

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Zombies shouldn't run. Simon Pegg, the English comic actor father I never had, argues that here better than I ever could. In 28 Weeks Later, they zombies do run, regardless, I still like it. If we wan't to get technical about it, they aren't exactly zombies, they didn't rise from the dead, they're just infected with the Rage virus(which is pretty self explanitory). I make excuses anyway I can.

There are a lot of things to like about this movie though, and while I'm not the biggest horror fan ever, I love survival horror. And zombies. A small group that has to get to somewhere before they're mauled by zombies is perfect for me. I couldn't care less about sexy teens being chased through a cabin by a maniac(Don't think I mean Evil Dead here, that movie is perfect. Campy bullshit, possessed weed rapes and all). Or worse yet, remakes.

The first thing you have to love is Robert Carlye. The movie begins with him locking a door behind him so he can escape and his wife can be bitten and infected by zombies. He's a complete bastard, which is fitting for him, he's made a career out of playing bastards. He played Hitler in that CBS miniseries a few years ago, for one, and the slightly more evil Begbie in Trainspotting. He played Hitler pretty well for being Scottish, he didn't look as good as the Hitler in the upcoming film Tom Cruise With An Eyepatch, but good regardless. He's an excellent actor but hes got beady eyed rat face. He's sort of like the Scottish Steve Buscemi.

He also plays a big part in what is essentially the films most important scene, and here come the spoliers(I'm instituting a policy, if a film is older than 5 years old you'll get no warning. Also, if it was a massive success that you had no business not seeing like The Departed, you're not allowed to be angry when I give away the fact that everyone dies). His wife somehow survives the attack and shes rescued, she carries the virus but it doesn't affect her. Robert Carlye is told that she's been found and he is struck by the sense of dread only a man who left his wife to die can understand. But when he sees her in the hospital(shes locked in quarantine) they get over it and he kisses her. Now hes infected, now it gets ugly.

He shows all the symptoms of someone infected, screaming, writhing around the floor, foaming at the mouth. Then he locks in on his wife and one of the most brutal scenes in recent memory goes down. He jumps up on the gurney she's strapped down to and just beats the living shit out of her. She screams for her life but begins to choke as blood fills her mouth after her teeth have been punched out, she shakes and fights but she can't get through the straps. And then, with no cutaway, he shoves his thumbs into her eyes until blood pours out like a faucet. By the end it looks like a bomb went off in her face.

I won't give a walk through of the whole movie because no one wants to read that, but I will also point out that there is a scene that I think everyone should see where between 30 to 50 zombies and running through a field and are cut in half by a helicopter blade. Its the best mass chopping since the opening scene of Ghost Ship which as it turns out is the only redeeming thing that movie has and you can basically turn it off after that.

Anyway, much like this post, the movie sort of loses steam near the end. I liked it, its worth seeing, but its about a 6/10. But on the horror specific scale I'll give it an 8/10.

More tomorrow.

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Godspeed, Greg Jennings.

Four Fried Chickens and a Coke: Greg Rosen Saturdays Presents: Kulture Korner: Jazztastic

2008-12-20T02:02:00.000-05:00

This post is essentially a precursor to my next post so that it’s not stupidly long and grueling. My next post, in case you’re wondering, will be a countdown of the best jazz albums of the new millennium. “Why not of the past year?” you might be asking. I’m getting to that. Anyway, as a disclaimer, I apologize in advance if I sound condescending at all in this post. I don’t know what you know so I have to cover as many bases as possible. That being said…on with the jazz.

Jazz is a tricky thing to define. It has evolved into something much more complex than what one might think jazz is. Its not all big bands and swing beats. Jazz has come to encompass and incorporate all musical influences surrounding it. Just like jazz musicians of the past took old show tunes and turned them into jazz standards, many of them today are taking popular songs (mostly Radiohead songs) and transforming them into something else entirely. Go on youtube and check out some of Brad Mehldau’s or the Bad Plus’ covers. Anyway, jazz has also come to incorporate the feels, both rhythmically and harmonically, of other genres. Basically just think of a genre of music and add the prefix, “jazz” to it and you’ll have a new genre that I’m sure is existent. Among the most popular extensions of the jazz idiom are: Soul Jazz, Jazz Funk, Out Jazz, Progressive Jazz, and Garage Jazz.

Take note that I did not mention adult contemporary or smooth jazz in there. There is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this: I do not consider these to be music. Kenny “Christmas Album” G is, at least in my school, considered a joke. And I will go out on a limb and say that almost every other musician or any one who knows anything about music will feel the same way. Though I must give credit where credit is due.

Oh and in case anyone was wondering what some of those genres I spat out were, here are some very brief definitions as I see them that by no means covers the whole idea of the genre. I think the first two are pretty self-explanatory. Out jazz does not follow a particular harmonic structure and the musicians have a great deal of freedom to experiment and take their ideas to a new level. Check out Ornette Coleman. Progressive jazz is the jazz that I referred to earlier that incorporates a lot of rock influences and covers. Its not unlike out jazz in that it may not always sound in (that is within the chord changes or tonal center). And Garage jazz is a personal favorite. Its very gritty, distorted, and raw. It still employs the musicality of jazz with the intensity of rock or metal.

The jazz world is entirely different from that of rock or pop music. The community of musicians that make it up are actually a community. Almost all of them play together or have played together at one point. Almost no group lineups are set in stone. Chris Potter, one of the greatest tenor sax players ever, in my opinion, has recorded and toured with at least six different groups since 2000. The reason for this is that they want to make the best music. They couldn’t care less about an image or what their record label wants. They aren’t trying to sell out stadiums or creating hit singles. They just want to make the best music and experience as much of it as they can. The only way to do this is play with as many people as you can. Not an easy feat considering the number of working jazz musicians today.

And that clever segue brings me to my next point which addresses the previous hypothetical question in my opening. I can probably run off a list of about sixty or seventy jazz musicians today that are absolutely amazing and deserving of recognition. It is, however, nearly impossible to keep track of all their recordings and live performances. Its not that they record more often then other artists, its just that there are so damn many of them that are worth my time. My countdown in my next post will be somewhat limited as it only consists of music I own. This is by no means a definitive list but its pretty darn good if you ask me. It’s also a great place to start if you’re interested in jazz but have no idea what’s good.

Another thing about most jazz, in listening to it and learning it, is that it requires a great deal of patience. I think the longest jazz recording I own is 27 minutes long. Live performances especially are very lengthy. In a medium where every player in the band is expected to solo at least once and then often trade solos, time constraints are not a main concern. It took me a while to get used to listening to whole albums where every song is ten minutes long. And it took me a while to get the patience to learn jazz as well. There are a lot of monotonous tasks and exercises that go along with it and it can be very frustrating at times. But in order to be the best musician you can one must learn to the patience required for listening and learning. Once patience is learned, listening to the stuff becomes much more enjoyable. With jazz the best things are not always obvious. It is an art of subtlety and nuances. I could go off on a huge tangent here about training your ears and its applications but I’ll spare you. Just know that learning to listen the correct way is essential to succeeding as a jazz musician or any musician for that matter.

In summation, I may not have told you anything you don’t know already but I tried, damn it. Why don’t you try wrapping up a whole century long musical movement/ subculture in one small essay? Yeah…so jazz is basically impossible to define with words. You know it when you hear it and for me it’s a lot about the vibe. Jazz affects me as a musician in a way that no other form of music does. It is truly unique in this sense. I am straying into abstract concepts here so I’ll stop myself before I start… And let me tell you there is nothing more gratifying to a jazz musician than when someone not involved in the jazz community appreciates their music/lifestyle. So take a listen to some of the stuff I suggested here and listen to all of the stuff on my countdown next week.

And to any Kansasians (Kanz-asians), thats people from Kansas, why don't you show yourselves? What are you trying to hide? Show yourselves damn it!

The super early

2008-12-19T06:10:00.002-05:00

When you get to the bottom of this post, yes, thats really when this was posted. I'll get to that in a second, something needs to be addressed first.

The SiteMeter thing is hardly just a hit counter, it tells me the IP address of everyone who visits the page and how often and all that. So I'm curious, people in or around Butler County, Kansas, who are you? While I like to pretend this blog is a big deal when I'm not talking about how its a digital shithole, you visit a lot for people who don't know me. So please, introduce yourselves.

Anyway, I'm writing at 6am because I made a decision a few hours ago about McDonalds breakfast. I knew I wouldn't wake up in time so I never slept. Instead I've been comparing my Gears of War 2 stats against all of my friends(I have 700 online multiplayer chainsaw kills. Thats a big time number) and listening to the Adam Carolla show since about 2am waiting for the McDonalds to open.

By the way, if you have time to kill, or just lack something sonically, go to iTunes and download the Adam Carolla show podcast. I'm telling you this at the worst possible time because the show is done until the New Year, but you'll have some catching up to do. Its nothing like the Man Show, its not schtick-y in any way, its not a morning zoo. Its just Adam enraged, which might sound tiresome, but no one rants like this. Some people can't do it, and I see through every shitty comic who is trying to hard to be angry, but this is amazing. Last Friday(More Joel McHale 12/12/08) he started yelling about building codes, of all things, and it was as funny as anything I've heard in months. Oh, and Joel McHale is on the show every Friday. I know you kids like Joel McHale.

But back to my unimportant story. I'm sure I looked like a meth addict. The heavily bearded man who clearly hasn't slept and isn't going to work. But no matter. Here's the important part.

I didn't know if the McDonalds opened at 5 or 6 so I checked the stores website. Be warned, its awesome.

First of all, "McFlorida" is a bad start. Then you read this...

"IF YOUR(sic) LOOKING FOR EXTRA CASH, START A CARRER(sic), OR JUST LOOKING FOR A COOL PLACE TO WORK SO YOU CAN BRAG TO YOUR FRIENDS; McDONALD'S IS THE PERFECT PLACE FOR YOU TO WORK."

I know its their job to sell it to you, but who is going to believe that their "carrer" could be started by showing up at 5am to be screamed at by your manager, a woman in her mid 40s, after your 15 minute break lasted 16 minutes because she decided this is her career.

And if I tried to brag about my job at McDonalds to my friends I'd be told to fuck myself.

Nice effort though.

I've been doing less with more for three days now after promising the most solid week ever. I'm looking to Greg to save us tomorrow. I'll be back with a big feature type thing next week, as for now, I might actually go to sleep...

A return to form

2008-12-18T14:36:00.004-05:00

Alright, now that we're done with the business end of things I explained yesterday we move back to stories of anger and humiliation. Or something like that.

Its another slow news day as far as I'm concerned so I need to discuss something that we have to look forward to soon. On December 29, we will have the premier of Bromance with Brody Jenner.

I really couldn't be more excited and I don't know if I can write about it the Tuesday afterwards because I'll be busy in New Jersey so I'm talking about it now. December 29th to January 2nd is very up in the air for the blog but I'll be posting as much as possible from my temporary office in Mr. Krause's house. GDT North Headquarters. Just using initials makes it sound serious.

But this is just like My New BFF with someone who seems in on the joke. As evil as Paris Hilton is, you think she might have been serious about her show. Brody Jenner is hilarious, he has the highest IQ on The Hills by about 80 points and knows it, meaning he can exploit all of them however he likes. Hes not a genius by any means, but when you spend your time around those people you look like one.

So I'm begging you to watch this show, and heres why...

1). It will build self esteem. Try not to feel better about yourself when watching guys line up to be Brody's best friend.

2). The catch phrase. I'm almost positive its going to be "I will NOT check you later, bro".

3). You're not doing anything better at 10pm on a Monday.

4). I'm going to reference it relentlessly and you need to be in on the joke.

5). Men in tears because Lauren Conrad's ex-boyfriend just isn't into them.

I think these are all compelling reasons. But if you aren't convinced after that, I've got something else for you.

Here's a good show that's good because theres talent involved. Flight of the Conchords doesn't come back on until January 18th but the season premier is up on Funny or Die right now. If you don't want it spoiled, you're stupid. Its been 15 months, enjoy it.

Here.

Stuff you!

2 posts, 1 day

2008-12-17T22:22:00.002-05:00

Because I need to mention more pointless crap, please turn your attention to the left of your screen and notice that you can now subscribe to posts.

There is also a hit counter. Its at 1 right now because I just put it there. So come here a lot and make it less pathetic.

Also, in a moment of self indulgence, I offer you the best Arsenal goal of the season because I have to squeeze in sports whenever possible. This is one of those times.

Mexican wunderkid Carlos Vela vs. Wigan Athletic, Carling Cup

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xw0yem3zhT0&feature=related

Please do enjoy.

Site news, problems, limp wristed blows at 'the man' before falling to the ground crying.

2008-12-17T18:24:00.004-05:00

As time went on today I realized I had to write something. Well, like I always say, don't get your hopes up.

But I have to put something up here so I'm just going to ramble. As I've explained before, its hard to write something everyday because there's limited material. I think I'd rather write two or three long columns every week and just mail it in on the other days. Not unlike what I'm doing today! If I can talk shop here for a second, I really hate the format of the blog. I'd prefer that I had a news site where it would all be links to stories and what have you. That way everything could be divided into sections, the Best Of would be right up front because its a feature and my needless stuff like yelling about the NFL in London would be of in the trash. It'd be much more effective.

What I'm getting to here is, who knows web design?

Probably no one, there's like 10 of your reading this and I know you all. This isn't a bad thing. Hell, we set a comments record yesterday with 9, breaking the record Greg's post set with 5(These things matter). And only three of those posts were me, its typically more. Give yourselves a round of applause.

Honestly that's more than I ever expected. I started this in September and only had two readers for a month and quit because I got no feedback. So the more you say, positive or negative, at least we know you're reading. I'm also aware that the comments are a bitch for people who don't have an account with Blogspot, hence the need for a new site. But we work with what we have, or whats free anyway.

This turned into a state of the union. Which is well enough, I suppose. This would have been more appropriate at the very end of the year but that's okay.

I don't know where I'm going here, someone start a fight in yesterdays comments. Forget this ever happened.

Best of 2008: Part II

2008-12-16T14:12:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I posted a piece of criticism so brilliant, so blindingly outstanding, that literally no one could say a word about it. You were all just left in stunned silence. So watch in awe as I attempt to provide that same level of baffling skill for a second day in a row.

The list goes on...

5. Kings of Leon - Only By The Night

Its detractors have said that this album strays too far from Kings of Leon's indie sensibility and reaches out to arena crowds too much, bordering on Adult Top 40. But John Mayer this album is not.

I'm sure the Tennessee band is upset about the fact that they can sell out London's O2 arena(20,000 seats) in a matter of hours but America couldn't care less about them. But the grit of their earlier albums has been replaced by big anthemic songs. What I find disappointing about this albums, and a lot of them on this list, the first song is the best and you feel like the rest of the album doesn't live up to it, regardless of how good the rest of the songs are. Only By The Night starts off with Closer, a haunting, atmospheric song with layers of delay that showcases Caleb Followill's voice where it works best.

So maybe they're going for mainstream success, but I still loved this one. On the other hand, my mother did too. I'll ignore that part.

Best Track(s): Closer, Sex on Fire

4. The Gaslight Anthem - The '59 Sound

When they played on Conan a while ago I thought "This band sounds like Springsteen playing Against Me! songs....wait, I've heard that before.' As it turns out, I read it in Rolling Stone months earlier and never bothered to check the band out, but it proves how spot on that observation was. In fact, AV Club said the same thing a few days ago.

Lyrically heartbreaking and musically ass kicking, The Gaslight Anthem are represents everything good about indie rock right now. Unpretentious, straight forward music that couldn't be less concerned with trends. You'll find no synth on this one.

And its not on The Pirate Bay, yet anyway. If you don't have it, you could do a lot worse with $10.

Best Track(s): Great Expectations

3. Girl Talk - Feed The Animals

Two things that I don't care about. 1.) I don't feel bad at all for ranking this higher than people who actually wrote their own music, and 2.) I don't care about the people who say it sucks compared to Night Ripper. It's the same god damned thing.

Maybe I'm biased, I'm not one for clubs so it doesn't matter to me that this is more manic, and that you can't focus on partying because you're too busy playing 'spot the sample.' Isn't that part of its greatness? Maybe I'm too wide eyed and innocent because I was never into him(for those who aren't aware, Girl Talk is just one guy, Greg Gillis) before.

I don't know if I enjoyed any album more than this one this year. I thought he did just as good here as he did on the last album and there are some incredible moments. On Play Your Part(pt. 1) he mashes together T.I., Edwin Starr, Lil Wayne, and Sinead O'Connor into the same 12 seconds. So color me impressed.

Best Track(s): Set It Off, Like This(Set It Off's best moment is Jay-Z 'Roc Boys' over top of Paranoid Android,' 'Like This' has Lil Mama's 'Lip gloss' over top Metallica's 'One.' These standout about everything)

2. The Hold Steady - Stay Positive

The Hold Steady's songs feel like a story that Craig Finn told someone with certain sentences repeated for a chorus. This makes him my favorite lyricist ever. Their style is well established, 'bar band', 'Springsteen-esqe' and so forth. They didn't break any new ground with this album, they just did what they do better than they'd ever done it before.

'me and my friends are like, double whiskey, coke no ice,
we drink along in double time
might drink too much but we feel fine

we're gonna build something this summer
summer grant us all the power to drink on top of the water towers
with love and trust and shows all summer
let this be my annual reminder
that we can all be something bigger'

It really hits the theme of 'Stay Positive' without the heavy handed inspirational garbage you're used to and its just a great time to listen to. Best for drinking or driving. Never together of course, that would make me an irresponsible blogger.

Best Track(s): Constructive Summer, Sequestered in Memphis, Slapped Actress.

1. The Roots - Rising Down

Hip hop makes one appearance this year, and its at the top spot. The Roots hate the recording industry, and why not? This album is a 'fuck you' to Def Jam. They turned their backs on any commercial accessibility and made of their best records. I'm going to post a lot of lyrics now because there are some ridiculously good verses here.

The first one is from the title track, featuring Mos Def and this is among the best things he's ever done, and hes been around a long time.

'Tonight at noon watch a bad moon rising
Identities in crisis and conflict diamonds
Blinding staring at lights 'til they cryin'
Bone gristle popping from continuous grindin
Grapes of wrath in a shapely glass
Ingredients influential on your ways and acts
Zero tolerance to raise the tax
It don't matter how your gates is latched
You ain't safe from the danger jack
Made it way before they made the map
Or a GPS this is DEF leader.'

See? Amazing.

Better yet, 'I Will Not Apologize' is the best commentary on hip hop that I've ever heard. Lupe Fiasco did well with 'Dumb It Down' and of course theres 'Rap Superstar' and A Tribe Called Quest doing 'Show Business' but this is head and shoulders above all of that because of the anger and vitriol that Dice Raw delivers it with.

'For the statements I'm about to make I will not apologize
Niggas talk a lot of shit, really need to stop the lies
Jewels rented, cars rented, homie that ain't authentic
Acting tough on TV but to me you seem a little timid
Don't blame the nigga, blame America, it's all business
Acting like a monkey is the only way to sell tickets'

Those six lines say more about whats wrong with commercial hip hop than any number of Nas interviews ever could. And being the head of Def Jam, Jay-Z was upset with The Roots for not making a song he thought could be a single. Theres about five that would make good singles, but the audience is too stupid to appreciate it. This lead to the albums only bad song, 'Birthday Girl'. Its not even that bad, it just doesn't fit the rest of the album at all. They even recorded a version of it with Patrick Stump from Fall Out Boy. Mercifully, it was cut.

Best Track(s): Rising Down, @15, I Will Not Apologize

So thats the top 10. A pretty solid list if I do say so myself, but what would I know? I've never done this before. And here's the other random selections that are relevant to this discussion.

I sort of liked these.....

TV on the Radio - Dear Science

I'm sorry, TV on the Radio fans. I tried, I really did, and I just couldn't make myself care about this album. I only liked 'Dancing Choose,' which sounds nothing like any other song here.

Metallica - Death Magnetic

My favorite band of all time made a good effort here. Not top 10 worthy, but way, way better than 2003's St. Anger. The lyrics are still pretty bad, but I don't have to be ashamed of this one at all. I'm glad they held it together.

Weezer - Weezer

Good but not great, its hard to reclaim your past glory when it was as glorious as it was for Weezer(and the afore mentioned Metallica) and everyone will compare it to their old work. James actually wrong more about this so if you look at his blog and go back a few weeks you'll see a better breakdown. And I don't even compare it to the blue album, hell, I loved Maladroit. I would have settled for that.

Abject Failure....

Bloc Party - Intimacy

Extremely disappointing. I was told there would be a return to the rawness of Silent Alarm. Promises were not kept, it might be raw, but its a raw clusterfuck of electronica nonsense. Good for them, deciding that they didn't have to pander to the audience who didn't care for A Weekend In The City, but this was just awful.

Kaiser Chiefs - Off With Their Heads

Their albums were pretty hit of miss anyway, but at least they were enjoyable for the most part. A lot of good songs and just a few clunkers. This has one good song, a great one actually, with 'Can't Say What I Mean.' It was the first single, too. I hope no one bought it based off that.

It took a while, but we've reached the end. What a long, strange trip its been, to quote uncreative yearbook editors.

Back to the regular, boring grind tomorrow.

Best of 2008: Part I

2008-12-15T14:36:00.002-05:00

So its come to this, the end of a year that will be remembered for Barack Obama and pretty much nothing else. In fact, just to make his election seem more important to future generations, all news not related to the election or his collectible coins will be destroyed. So it is up to us to document the top 10 albums of 2008 so that our children might know what the kids were listening to back in the day.

Its numbers 10 through 6 today, 5 through 1 tomorrow and at the end there will be my list of massive disappointments and one mild success. Can you guess which? I'd say email your answers to win something, but there's nothing to win. We need sponsors for that. But feel free to guess anyway and win nothing.

Anyway, on with it...

10. Eagles of Death Metal - Heart On

This is really just a collection of dirty grooves, and that's awesome. I think raunchy is probably the best word for the 12 tracks on Heart On, even though I hate that word. But EODM accomplished everything they set out to do with this album because it serves as a great tribute to rock the way they think its supposed to be done. They sound like James Gang would if they decided to make a record full of dance music.

Not to say Heart On is dance music at all, even if Tight Pants(track 3) sounds an awful lot like LCD Soundsystem. Its basically dance music you'd never see anyone dancing to, which I'm pretty sure is my favorite musical genre(I'll be touching on that again later).

Best Track(s): Anything 'cept the Truth, Heart On

9. Gnarls Barkley - The Odd Couple

Along with having one of the best band names of all time, Gnarls Barkley are good at what they do. There isn't exactly a soul revival going on right now, but if there is, they're leading the charge. The Odd Couple's second single, and best track, Going On, barely charted in the US and I have no idea why. It made it to 88 on the Billboard Hot 100(Crazy made it to 2).

This album is just so solid from top to bottom and offers something so much different than what everyone else is doing. As I'm writing this I keep thinking I'm not ranking it high enough but everything from here on is equally deserving.

Best Track(s): Going On, Charity Case

8. Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes

I can't believe I like this album as much as I do. Kristen told me about it a while ago, I listened to about two songs and decided I was bored. But I gave it another try and have loved it since. I don't know how folk music became the new cool thing but Fleet Foxes do it so well. Its all mellow acoustic stuff but the songs sound so big, and the harmonies are outstanding.

I've been called gay for this once before, but I said they sound like a sunrise. If you can find a better comparison I would like to hear it. (after writing that I realized its very uncreative as the first song is called "Sun It Rises." Oh well.)

Best Tracks(s): White Winter Hymnal

7. Los Campesinos! - Hold On Now, Youngster...

More dance music you don't dance to, and the best thing out of Wales since King Henry V. Los Campesinos easily take the award for best album artwork on this years list. They sound a bit like Arctic Monkeys but not quite as polished, if that's possible. They definitely sound a little rough(the count in on Broken Heatbeats Sound Like Breakbeats is epic) but it works in their favor. Its like if early Against Me! were playing Arctic Monkeys songs.

This album is really just fun to listen to. It goes a million miles per hour and the vocal back and forth between Gareth and Aleksanda Campesions(they all took the name, it translates to 'the peasants') is worth looking into it alone.

Best Track(s): Broken Heartbeats Sound Like Breakbeats, You! Me! Dancing!

6. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend

The first time I heard A-Punk on the radio I thought it was the best song I'd ever heard. I've backed off on that a bit, but its still awesome. This also is an album that's just a great time. Some songs (Boston, most notably) are basically ska. Another thing about it is that its all electric guitars and at no point does anyone hit a distortion pedal which is rare to say the least.

Their talent hasn't gone unnoticed as MTV have used them for basically everything, or so it seems, including safe sex commercials. What can't they do?

Best Track(s): A-Punk, Oxford Comma

So there you have it, get everything you don't have from this list, listen, and then call me an asshole in the comments. Its that easy to become an enlightened pundit.

The eagerly anticipated 5-1 tomorrow!

Four Fried Chickens and a Coke: Greg Rosen Saturdays Presents: Sunday: Goodburger: Goodmovie: A Timeless Tale

2008-12-14T02:41:00.005-05:00

There was a request last week for me to clarify what was meant when I used the term "jazz" in my last post. According to my sources when most people think of jazz they think of Kenny "Ken" G. This is wrong. Alas, this is a topic for another day because I have neither the time nor patience right now to educate the masses. So in lieu of an enlightening piece about a large piece of music culture, I present to you an enlightening piece about a large piece of 90's kids sketch komedy (not a spelling error. Everyone knows the letter "k" is hilarious) culture.

"Welcome to Goodburger, home of the Goodburger. Can I take your order?" ... Words that will go down in history. I defy you to find anyone born between the years of 1987-89 that doesn't recognize that line. The only people that wouldn't start salivating at the very mention of this line are idiots and Polynesians. There I said it. Anyway, these words were famously at the opening of a humble sketch on the sketch komedy show All That, back in the hay day of Nickelodeon. What followed this opening only the gods could predict. An uproarious monsoon of slapstick komedy and the inevitable mention of "trousers" (possibly the most used word on All That) was to be expected.

At the forefront of the sketch was a one Kel Mitchell. He had the look of a regular teenage black male at the time, but if you closed your eyes you'd swear you were listening to a california surfer dude! You truly believed he was Ed, a timeless character whose buffoonery went straight to the funnybone. It is this mastery of his kraft which sent Kel to the silver screen. His duplicitous character traits intrigued audiences and critics alike. His loveable oafishness caused all kinds of wacky problems! I can't think of any off the top of my head right now so use your imagination.There was also a host of secondary regular characters. Probably the most notable was former Manson Family member, Connie Muldoon.

Now that you have been refreshed on the origins of Goodburger we can proceed to the movie. The movie obviously stars the incomparable Kel Mitchell with the added bonus of Kenan Thompson. Here you have irrefutable proof that the letter "k" and laughter go hand in hand. The movie starts out with a scintillating plot of a boy and his (mom's) car and the heartbreak that ensues. Dexter (Thompson) in the midst of an illegal joyride to commemorate the last day of school is at the very least surprised to see he has crashed his car into Sinbad! (shocked emoticon!) Sinbad, being the fine upstanding citizen he is, decides to call the authorities while he delivered that famous line, "I hate to put a black man in jail..." He is however dissuaded from this by ol' Dex who says he will cover the cost of the repairs. This forces Dexter to get a *gulp* summer job!

He started at Mondo Burger, arch rival of the downhome favorite Goodburger. He was, however, fired due to his obvious learning disabilites and lack of burger assembly skills...also because Kurt (the manager of Mondo Burger) was a total douche. So this led Dex to Goodburger. Here he encounters an all-star cast of characters including the inevitable Abe Vigoda..and friends! Now that Dexter was a part of the Goodteam it was up to him apparently to save Goodburger from ruin by the hands of Mondo Burger.

For interests sake I'll skim over some of the major plot points and get right to the dance party in the insane asylum. The insaciable George Clinton provides the beats and the crazies provide the screams of terror and blood! Also the inscrutable Linda Cardellini, future star of "Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed", plays the bewitching, albeit crazy, love interest of Kel with birds in her hair...or something.

Now for the bullet pointed points of interest in no particular order because I'm lazy and this movie is way more komplicated than you'd think:

Dramatic monologue brilliantly deliviered by Kenan about how his father left him when he was but a boy. Also outlined are the intracasies of the love he had for a yo-yo.

Carmen Electra trying to seduce Kel to get the secret recipe of his Goodsauce which saves Goodburger. Also her lip liner is like an inch and a half above her lip and I can never get over it and I hate it.

Abe Vigoda: "I think I broke my ass..."

Sinbad's afro

Kel and Kurt's (hey another "K"!) interaction in Kurt's kar. This is actually funny and it gets me every time.

Connie Muldoon.

Ok so all in all this movie is ridiculously konvoluded. It certainly is not for anyone who enjoys plausable things. I actually happen to enjoy this movie very much but thats because I know how to turn my brain off when appropriate. A skill that pretty much everybody who criticizes The Transporter series for is laughable plots, lacks. But thats a rant for another time.

"Where are they now" you might ask?
Kel is presumed to be a failure and living with his auntie.
Kenan is on that piece of cuntfuthery they call Saturday Night Live.

Sorry for the delay and sorry that I used so many exclamation points.

PPD

2008-12-13T20:34:00.003-05:00

Greg's post is written but trapped in internet purgatory as he has no connection at the moment. Fear not, it'll be up eventually.

So tonight you can distract yourself with this instead, A Date With Your Family.

Not only is it the best Mystery Science Theater 3000 short ever, its among the best things they ever did and the film itself shows off just how boring and oppressive the 1950s were in the most hilarious, misguided way possible.

Stick to the plan

2008-12-12T17:21:00.005-05:00

I decided that I'd try a little harder this Friday because last Friday I only managed to write what I thought was a very entertaining anecdote involving the Monkees, White Out and the 80s classic Repo-Man. Others disagreed. So I suppose I'll put in some effort. Even though I drank enough whiskey last night to be medically excused from work today. I know that this isn't work as such, but I don't do much else, and I accept your unflinching support and devotion to my every word as payment.

So I mentioned in the Sunday night Facebook note(now considered a Facebook institution, as far as I'm concerned. Once again, be our friend, http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/pages/Grief-Digestion-Theater/36520823239) that I would talk about tv show themes, or the lackthereof. So lets see what I can get out of myself here.

As you may have noticed, basically nothing is as good as the Sandford and Son theme. This isn't anyones fault, Quincy Jones just wrote a piece of music that no one could top. You also may have noticed that there isn't any good theme music on TV anymore.

MASH, Cheers, Taxi, all excellent. Hell, even show specific lyrics like The Brady Bunch were great. Its funny because everyone knows the words, everyone knows how good that song was for its purpose, but everyone would be embarrassed if they were caught singing it. And if you really think about it, every single legendary show from the last 40+ years has a distinctive theme song that you probably know some of the words to. Even shows that weren't very good like Charles In Charge, but credit goes to Family Guy for putting that back in everyones head.

There really hasn't been anything instantly recognizable over the past 18 years with the exception of Friends, which I always sort of hated. The last big classic theme song would probably be The Simpsons, written by Danny Elfman who has been nothing short of perfect for his entire career, although hes no John Williams(Superman, Indiana Jones, All Star Wars music. You can't do better than that). In the 90s the big shows took that kind of minimalist approach, think of Seinfeld, Fraiser and Everybody Loves Raymond, they all just had a few notes on bass or piano and then straight into the show. Not to say that what they did on Seinfeld wasn't great in its own right.

Currently all the best themes seem to be on Adult Swim. Even if they aren't exactly essential listening, theres a generation who are going to remember the Aqua Teen Hunger Force theme for the rest of their lives. Family Guy has a good one, Metalocalypse had its theme immortalized on Guitar Hero. Even the canceled shows, Harvey Birdman had a very good throwback theme. And speaking of which, the best is one is The Venture Brothers theme which, if you aren't aware, is the best animated show on television and I refuse to be told differently. This is really all the proof I need. Maybe I'm partial to the clip because I 'played' Mars(thats the song 21 and 24 sing) in concert band. Mostly I just pretended to play saxophone. But thats a story for a different day.

(edit: the video I wanted to link the first time didn't work, so heres an ode to the henchman, which does feature them shout singing the Gustav Holst piece. This one has a lot more of 24's powder blue Nissan Stanza)

(and this is just the song, extended of course. They're both worth posting. By the way I don't know why these links don't pop, I know its inconvenient having to click them and hit back to keep reading)

Anyway, I hope someone learned something. I realize that I didn't break much ground here, or even make that many jokes. Die Hard is on Encore right now, excuse me if I'm a bit distracted.

Be sure to read Greg's post tomorrow, and Monday begins our year end bonanza. Guaranteed to be the most solid week of the year.

Golden Globes

2008-12-11T21:01:00.002-05:00

As far as the 'major' award shows go, the Golden Globes are the second most pointless in a sea of pointlessness. As everyone knows, the only thing worse is the American Music Awards and anything that involves the word 'Choice' in the title. Madonna won a Golden Globe for Evita. Whats that tell you about all this?

Basically every film nominated hasn't been released yet which makes no sense, to me anyway. Even when the awards are handed out January 11th, I don't think most people will have seen all the Christmas releases. You'll want to save some of them so you have a better option than Bride Wars come the end of January.

The best nominations are the musical ones though. You have Miley Cyrus' song from Bolt, and Beyonce's song from Cadillac Records, among other, most likely more deserving choices. And as we all know, Beyonce will win, she'll dedicate her award to Obama.

In the category most relevant to my interests, your best TV comedy choices would be 30 Rock, Californication, Entourage, The Office and Weeds. 3 out of 5 haven't been seen by 66% of the country because they don't have premium cable. So one of those will probably win, my early guess would be Californication. Obviously I'll be pulling for 30 Rock because awards/loyalty to Tina Fey and Lorne Michaels are keeping it on the air at the moment because its got shit ratings. NBC fired most of its programming staff earlier this week, so there might be some kind of shake up. Who knows?

But the most important thing with these awards is that you don't watch, it will only embolden them and make them keep handing out these pointless statues. Its the Emmys and Oscars only for me, thank you. And even then I don't really watch, I just sort of yell afterwards...

Happy Birthday

2008-12-11T04:33:00.002-05:00

to Michael! Hooray, let us all celebrate in his now legal ability to consume as much alcohol as he wants freely, as long as he does not plan on operating any type of car or machinery, or perhaps impregnate himself. Ta da-I'd buy you a commemorating shot if I could.....or you can wait it out til 2010.

Cheap Chinese imitation blog, covered in lead based paint.

2008-12-10T23:23:00.003-05:00

Its just news and notes tonight, its already 11:27 by my watch and theres nothing good to say. But theres some upcoming goodness to mention to all of you.

For one, Best of!

Like every other blog on the planet, or interwebs, if you will, we'll be making some year end lists. Right now I have a team of assistants down in a bunker taking notes on albums for me. They might be written in crayons, or potentially feces, as these are the type of workers you get tax breaks for employing.

Nevertheless, as always, keep your expectations low.

And because we're lazy and don't want to think up actual material, some year end awards! Thats right, we haven't thought of many categories, but there is a name "The Tyra Awards: A Tribute To Ourselves." So it's probably going to be along the lines of best joke, worst joke, most obscure reference, worst opinion. I like to focus on the worst end. I have a feeling that I'll be collecting most of these awards, as 27 of the 30 posts are mine, but theres still more stuff coming from the others.

So leave some comments or send some emails talking about what you've loved or hated from the year that was, and of course all the old stuff is eligible, going back to the original My New BFF post.

Back to regular operations tomorrow.

Something on my mind grapes

2008-12-09T19:01:00.002-05:00

Jack: Jack Welch has such unparalleled management skills they named Welch's Grape Juice after him, because he squeezes the sweetest juice out of his workers’ mind grapes.

Liz: That doesn’t even make sense.

Jack: No, it doesn’t, does it. I wrote it down in the middle of the night.

Its come to my attention that most of you aren't watching 30 Rock. Why?

Not only is it the best show on television, its the only thing we have thats near as good as Arrested Development was. Not as good, but come on, nothing is.

So for those unfamiliar, this wont be as long as the Die Hard piece, heres a breakdown of what you're missing.

The protagonist of 30 Rock is Liz Lemon, played by the universally adored Tina Fey, its a weird, slightly off putting name but you get over it. Like many women in their late 30s, Liz is something of a desperate, depressing character. Described as "New York third-wave feminist, college-educated, single-and-pretending-to-be-happy-about-it, over scheduled, undersexed, you buy any magazine that says 'healthy body image' on the cover and every two years you take up knitting for...a week." Obviously theres a comedic spin on this. She's also the head writer and producer of the sketch comedy program, The Girlie Show, or what used to be The Girlie Show.

That changed when Jack Donaghy(Alec Baldwin) showed up. Jack is the Vice President of East Coast Television and Microwave Oven Programming at GE, the parent company of the Shinehardt Wig Company, who are of course the (fictional) parent company of NBC. Jack is pretty much the best thing about the show, never without a scathing remark, hes honest in a sort of soul crushing way(Random insults from Jack to Liz). Alec Baldwin couldn't possibly play him better either, his role has earned him an Emmy, a Golden Globe and two SAG awards through two seasons.

Jack has had an interesting life, he was taught to swim when he was lured to a pool with a puppy and then shoved in. Since then hes turned it around and he thrives off fear. Hes climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, bow hunted polar bear, driven a rental car into the Hudson just to see if he could escape and showered with Greata Van Sustern. He overcame a peanut allergy with pure will power. Hes also had quite the long list of famous love interests, Beyonce, Condoleeza Rice, Martha Stewart, Martha Stewarts daughter Alexis, Shakira, Elizabeth Hurley and Katie Couric.

But back to the actual plotline, Jack decides to turn The Girlie Show into TGS with Tracy Jordan. Tracy Jordan(Tracy Morgan) is basically a combination of Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence which can be seen by the fact that hes a.) crazy, and b.) does fat suit movies such as Fat Bitch and Honky Grandma Be Trippin'. Of course there was also Who Dat Ninja? and Black Cop/White Cop. The crazy can be seen in his checkered past, hes fallen asleep on Ted Danson's roof, been arrested for walking naked through Laguardia, and biting Dakota Fanning in the face.

He also recorded undoubtedly the best fake song in the history of film or television, the gold certified novelty party jam, Werewolf Bar Mitzvah

Count me as one of the people who never would have thought anything with Tracy Morgan would be funny. The only problem is you have to look past the fact that hes really just a god awful actor. Typically it doesn't matter because his lines are just so good.

I promised this wouldn't be that long so I'm cutting myself off from going into big character descriptions here.

Heres the thing, this show is outstanding. Every single character is funny for one reason or another, if its Jenna showing off shes a cougar by getting a 15 year old boyfriend who wears Heelys, or if its Liz's dad Dick who works in the incredible reference "It wouldn't be a Lemon party without old Dick!"

And everyone just has so much back story, its like an episode of Family Guy but its all hilarious and relevant flashbacks instead of needless 80s references. Its on Thursday at 9:30 and while you could just pick it up from there, renting the first two seasons would be the best option.

And I want to keep listing things that I find perfect but I'd be rambling forever. Watch the show, never stop, and then maybe I can finally talk about it with someone.

Suck it, monkeys!

2008-12-08T19:52:00.002-05:00

I'm going to take some liberties today. This isn't a sports blog, but its already late and theres one thing I can write just enough about to make an acceptable post that won't bore the hell out of casual and/or non-sports fans.

This article in the relentlessly perfect Guardian says there will be an American sports franchise in Britain in 2 years. I respond to this by saying, shenanigans.

After all, this is an entertainment blog, and what is sports if not entertainment? Especially the money making machine that is the modern, $8 for a Bud Light and an extra $100 if you want your Sunday Ticket in HD NFL. That's right. Its $269 a year to watch your team out of market, and if you want to see those games in High Def, its $369.

Other more qualified writers have already broken down how the NFL has priced out all the real fans and its all club seating and luxury boxes now, so now that the American fans have been raped, they're going to try to pillage Britian.

While theres been two NFL games at Wembley, and literally one million ticket requests for those two games, its hard to imagine that there would be a sustained market over there. They just don't care for it. Like anything, you sort of have to grow up with something to appreciate it. Baseball is boring to anyone who can't get into the subtleties of the game. In that same vein, I don't care about art. I can appreciate a nice painting, but I've never cared to learn about the artist, or look into more art, or try it myself. Perhaps if I had grown up around it, or had painted myself I could appreciate it on a much deeper level. So a great work of art to me is a great diving catch to someone who doesn't watch baseball.

This is the only way I'll ever be able to compare Van Gogh to Jacoby Ellsbury...

So why should the English be able to really appreciate the strength and courage of Wes Welker? Its just a catch to them, not a dangerous route across the middle with Brian Urlacher bearing down on you, no pun intended. We can't appreciate the strength and composure of Didier Drogba fighting off defenders, to Americans its just a tap in goal, and we wonder why anyone would watch a game that ends 1-0.

(By the way, don't think it didn't kill me to use a Patriots receiver and a Chelsea striker as examples, they just happen to be the best possible examples in those situations, even if one is an ugly, diving, coin chucking bastard)

So maybe the NFL will put a team in England, and maybe it'll succeed at first. But don't be surprised when the London Silly Nannies become the Los Angeles Silly Nannies in 2016.

Here I Go Again On My Own

2008-12-06T02:51:00.002-05:00

I will now attempt to conquer the internet. My fans, throughout the years, have been asking more and more of me. They would say things like, "Sure he can juggle...but can he peel an orange without his hands?" or, "Well, the accordion's nice and all but how's his Robert Goulet impression?" Blogging, I'm told, is the next great frontier yet to be conquered and sucked dry of all possible resources and usefulness. So here I am, on the precipice of something. I think I'll start with a topic I'm very familiar with and that I feel very passionate about: jazz.

No one cares about it except the people that play it.

Everyone thinks jazz musicians are snobs...this is true.

No matter how good a jazz musician you are, you WILL have to join a cover band to make any money at all.

Music jokes are only funny in an ironic sense. A dominant chord going to a diminished chord is hardly the work of The Marx Brothers.

Our whole lives lead up to the day we can pay off our student loans and finally relax with a nice cozy mortgage.

There you have it! All you need to know about jazz! I hope this has shed some light on some of the crushing stereotypes cast upon jazz musicians. We are a proud race of delusional idiots who never grow up.

Uninspired

2008-12-06T02:17:00.002-05:00

The mother of Michael Nesmith from The Monkees invented white out, Liquid Paper, specifically. When he inherited this money he used it to finance the movie Repo-Man.

True story.

Now I owe you a weekend blog.

I didn't see this coming

2008-12-04T21:33:00.002-05:00

So much for Bratz dolls.

I couldn't care less about this from the copyright infringement standpoint, Mattels designs being stolen means nothing to me. The most important thing is that the Bratz empire has come toppling down and its a great day for humanity.

I really hate children, but marketing the idea of being a raving bitch to young girls through a doll that looks like Tila Tequila just seems wrong to me, even if Tila's head to body ratio is even less realistic. And, depending on how much I drink, I hate whores. Bratz weren't doing much to tell girls not to be massive whores. Oh, sure, they never said "Hey, be a whore." But its certainly implied. Look at them, role models they are not. Dr. Phil even feels that they look like hookers, not to say I turn to him for anything, ever. But my grandmother seems to like him a lot.

This also eliminates the chance of a second Bratz movie, which perhaps alongside Dane Cook, is the bane of my existance. It seems like a stupid thing to concern yourself with but to think that anyone involved with that film, including Paula Abdul(I believe she did costumes, it was mentioned on the short lived reality show, Hey Paula!), enjoyed it for one second or had any sense of satisfaction because of the "work" they did is sickening.

The true justice may be for the people who make these dolls in China, they've been making 17 cents an hour for years. In fact, if these dolls were made in America(USA! USA!) they'd be $90. The bad news is that now that no more dolls can be sold, they'll be making zero cents an hour. So now they'll be unemployed slobs, just like us!

Circle of life.

Tired

2008-12-04T10:36:00.002-05:00

I live in Florida. Bright, sunny, rainy at times, Florida. Our biggest export is oranges, and the news more then often will display some sort of horrifyingly bizarre story involving alligators/opossums/wild boars in someone's driveway/backyard/swimming pool. We are home to a dazzling array of tourist attractions, such as Disney World, Downtown Disney, and Epcot. Good old Florida, public transportation does not exist and where you can travel from mini city to desolate country wasteland in .5 seconds. I really love my state.

What makes me love Florida even more is that I (somewhat willingly) chose to attend university here. 20 minutes south of my northern hick abode, if you will. I attend a school where every douchebag from the northeast frequents, driving daddy's bmw's having at minimum 3 trust funds and a summer house in the Hamptons. I fit like a glove. A bedazzled one among a sea of Coach lovers, if you want to get complicated.

What bothers me most about my overprivileged counterparts is their failure to accept that we, in fact, live in the South. This is not the tundra you flew down on your private silver bird, but rather a "tropical" paradise, at least how the pamphlets sell it. I can wear flip flops 340 days out of the year, because chances are that other 25 will be spent in something that looks like it could be a coat.

I will never accept your uniform, my orange (but it's natural) skinned friends. Your Northface/Uggs/Coach bags with matching Victoria's Secret Pink sweatpants, with your face overly done in makeup with your hair also perfect coifed. Was it so hard to put on jeans, so hard to not put your pajamas back on after you've already groomed yourself for your daily to do? It is your indifference to life that makes me so very, very confused.

Now, maybe I am a snob. Correction, I am a snob when it comes to clothes. But i have good reason. I have spent a considerable amount of my own hard earned money (Thank you Toys R Us) on what I believe to be a decent wardrobe (prove me wrong). I thrift, I accept hand me downs, I alter what i can. I know that when I go outside in my sweatpants, someone's judging me. You can't help it. And I have a complex.

I still see no reason to accept you college girls. Look across any campus in America and you will see exactly what I mean. EVERYONE IS THE SAME. And what a scary thought that is for the "individualists" i.e the mildly trendy people trying not to get on the "Thirsty Thursday" party bus.

Quote Heavy

2008-12-03T19:05:00.003-05:00

As a reasonable person, I hate Beyonce. So imagine my anger when I read this article about celebrities that will be flocking to the Obama inauguration.

Beyonce says, and I quote...

"I'm there. I can't wait. I feel like all of us, we're ready to do whatever we have to do. If they need me to volunteer, they need me to sing, I'm there and I'm ready."

First of all, shes talking like a pitcher that was asked to go on 3 days rest in the playoffs. Secondly, "need"? Are you kidding?

No one "needs" Beyonce for anything. I understand how famous and successful she is, and that her and Jay-Z are the worst(I actually typed that, obviously I meant worlds. Freudian slip) richest power couple even though they have very little "power" in the grand scale of things, regardless of how much Beyonce thinks she can help Barack Obama. "Sasha Fierce" can stay home.

I don't like to talk about politics here, even though most people who would read this agree with my feelings. It gets people all riled up and far too serious, its much more fun to get people screaming about how much we all hate Audrina Patridge. But I just want to mention how Obama has done well by separating himself from shitty people. The only celebrity that he has close public ties with is Oprah, which is just a good idea for anyone.

You never saw him with Reverend Al did you? White people never would have voted for him. In that same vein, he can't possibly want anything to do all the celebrities that will be jumping on this bandwagon. For every respectable one, there will be five that you wouldn't even want to meet. One "celebrity" ball will be hosted by Lou Gosset Jr. who you probably thought died shortly after the filming of Iron Eagle II. Or was it III? Facts have no place here.

Even though I support Obama, I'm very aware that people like Beyonce have turned that into a trendy, douchebag activity. But this is the inauguration, so luckily everyone can shut up about this for another four years as of January 21st.

My Favorite Christmas Movie

2008-12-02T03:01:00.003-05:00

Let the record show that I don't want to be writing this right now. I'm starting this at 3:01am. I could be trying to sleep, or watching Alton Brown teach me how to make baklava. But because I feel guilty about not posting anything on Monday(There was a complaint, I'm not even kidding. Thanks, Dave) here we are with my epic piece on Die Hard. I use the term loosely as I'm not a proper journalist, I don't outline anything and I'm bad at finishing what I write. Its all very in depth and then I rush the ending because I lose focus. But look at this, a lead in, my first one ever. So here you have it, my reasons for Die Hard being my favorite Christmas movie ever...

We're closing in on the 20th anniversary of Die Hard's release in Argentina. Its only 12 days away, in fact. Why Argentina? Because Die Hard was released in the US on July 15, 1988, the 20th anniversary was nearly 5 months ago and this blog didn't exist then. I had just assumed it was released around the holiday season as its Christmas in the movie. Shows what I know. It might be too much of a stretch for me to celebrate the films Argentine(I prefer this term to Argentinian, though I'm not sure its correct at all) release, its December now and I think Christmas is a perfect reason. After all, the movie begins on Christmas eve, there's a Christmas party, and I generally hate holiday movies. You knew I wasn't going to pick Miracle on 34th Street, so I made Die Hard qualify.

For those unfamiliar with the film that don't want the end ruined, you've had 20 years to see it, and I'm going to talk about every second of it. So move it to number one on your Netflix queue, watch it tomorrow and then come back and read this. If you don't know if you want to see it, just know that its the greatest pure action movie of all time. I say pure action to separate it from war movies, dramas with explosions and super hero films. And I know that some people find the action genre off putting. After all, look at what its given us in recent years. The Condemned, The Marine, Max Payne, anything with Vin Diesel. As you can see, things can go pretty wrong pretty fast.

The problem these days is that we don't have a great action star. With all these superhero movies its the unlikely hero, starting with Toby McGuire in Spiderman, that has done away with the ultra-built, knuckle dragging types. We have Jason Statham but honestly, what are the chances of him doing something on the scale of Terminator or Predator? There just isn't an actor who could play a role convincingly enough to draw everyone in.

So what makes Die Hard different? Simply put, brilliant writing and absolutely perfect casting. Which wasn't the original plan.

I've said for a long time that I don't like Bruce Willis, but I love John McClane. Maybe not John McClain in Die Hard 2, and not really John McClane in Die Hard: With A Vengeance either. But 1988 John McClane is one of my favorite movie characters of all time. I'm not the only person who feels this way, either. Willis wasn't the studios first choice. In fact, according to IMDB, Arnold Scwarzenegger was the first choice. I think I could have tolerated that version, it would certainly lack authenticity because how many New York cops have Austrian accents? But certainly better than the other three actors that were awarded the role before it went to Willis.

The next choice was Sylvester Stallone. Granted, a massive star at the time, and inexplicably, still. Rambo and Rocky Balboa didn't turn out to be the dumpster fires that everyone expected them to be(but were by no means good) so somehow hes still relevant. I'm convinced this would have been a disaster. Stallone had just made three terrible films(Rocky IV, Cobra, Over the Top) and wouldn't have done much better with this. Just imagine watching him say all the lines on the radio to Hans and try not to cringe.

After that, and I swear I'm not making this up, you had Burt Reynolds, who would have just turned it into the mustachioed, swaggering fuckery that he does best. Or, once again, not kidding, Richard Gere. Which maybe just seems impossible to me seeing as I'm not old enough to remember his action past. When I think of him now, I think of Dr. T and the Women. But in 1986 Gere had played a maverick cop in No Mercy and presumably turned down Die Hard for that reason.

The studio was just afraid of the reaction Bruce Willis would get. In fact, they left his face off of the early posters because they were worried the Willis haters wouldn't see the film, it was added after the movies big opening. And people will yell at me when I say I hate Bruce Willis and they always justify it with "Dude...Die Hard" so I suppose he gets a lifetime pass. But look at what else hes done. You have the good(The Sixth Sense, the most forgettable part of Pulp Fiction), his bad (The Fifth Element, Armageddon, The Whole Ten Yards) and his complete, utter failures (The Kid, Hudson Hawk, Look Who's Talking, Look Who's Talking Too). So excuse me for disliking him the way I do. And lets not forget his foray into music.

As for the director, John McTiernan isn't one of the better know directors today, but he accomplished quite the feat in 1990. After directing Predator, Die Hard and The Hunt For Red October, he joined only Steven Spielberg(Raiders of the Lost Ark, E.T., Temple of Doom) as the only director to direct three straight $100 million+ films. He parlayed this success into stealing $5 million to direct Last Action Hero and finally murdered his career by directing Rollerball. But lets not focus on the negative, depressing present.

The two best casting decisions were both relatively unknown actors at the time. Alan Rickman, who had never done a film before, and Alexander Godunov, better known as a ballet dancer than an actor.

Rickman, of course, played Hans Gruber who is easily my favorite movie villian of all time. I've never made a definitive list but I know hes number one. The voice is the selling point, his delivery is wonderful and its because of a deformity he was born with. Rickman has that distinctive drawl because he was born with a very tight jaw. It took him years to be able to speak as normally as he can.

Hes a lot like George Clooney in the Oceans movies, just smarter and portrayed negatively. He also has no qualms about killing people, Clooney never seemed too interested in that. His ruthlessness is seen in what is perhaps his best line in the film "I wanted this to be professional, efficient, adroit, cooperative. Not a lot to ask. Alas, your Mr. Takagi did not see it that way... so he won't be joining us for the rest of his life."

Hans Gruber might be pure evil, veiled by his education and style, but you just love him. Hes so cool the entire time and despite Bruce Willis trying to destroy his plan he always has an answer. The same goes for Karl, hos main henchman played by the aforementioned Godunov. Hes a tall, imposing figure and the archetypal humorless model of East German efficency. He was a member of Baryshnikovs ballet troupe until, for seemingly no reason, he was kicked out in 1982. After that he turned to acting and won critical acclaim in Witness and was very funny as Max in The Money Pit. Its worth wondering where he went until you realize he died in 1995 from alcohol withdrawal. He turned down every role he was offered because everyone only wanted him to play Karl or a dancer.

And another reason that the terrorists are so likeable is because they aren't terrorists at all. Terrorists are pretty hard to like, even back then. So McTiernan turned it around. The original script called for them to be terrorist but he felt this was too dark. He made them bank robbers posing as terrorist to cover the fact that they're only in the building to steal $600 million from the vault. Everyone enjoys a robbery plot because at some point they considered it themselves. Terrorism? Not so much

Then theres the fact that police and media are such instant hate figures. With the exception of Reginald VelJohnson basically every other cop you see is a preening dickface. Starting with none other than the recently deceased Paul Gleason known best as Principal Vernon in the Breakfast Club, a movie I've never seen if you'd believe it. But he plays Deputy Chief Dwayne Robinson and is the typically condescending higher up to Officer Powell's everyman type. Throughout the movie Gleason actually becomes something of a sympathetic figure because he becomes powerless at the hands of the FBI and develops a sense of humor. I laugh everytime he very matter of factly says "We're gonna need more FBI guys, I guess." after both FBI agents die when their helicopter is shot down.

But the way the police become involved at all is my only point of contention with this movie. Maybe its just because I grew up in a post-9/11 world, but Bruce Willis does a great job of getting in contact law enforcement with a serious problem and they leave twice. It was a different time though, they show a gas station that sells regular gas for 74 cents. The Paranoia just wasn't there. The fake fire alarm is understandable, but when he gets on the roof and calls in a terrorist attack he is ignored. If someone in Los Angeles calls in a terror threat from a skyscraper today, fucking Delta Force would be on the roof in 90 seconds. The bitchy dispatch whore just tells McClane that "if you have an emergency you need to dial 911" to which he responds 'Does it sound like I'm tryin' to order a fucking pizza!?" followed by gunshots, her only reaction is to say "See if there's a black and white that can do a drive by."

I can only imagine that her character was fired after the end of the movie. In the alternate Die Hard universe, of course.

But every character has their complexities and almost no one is a cartoonish stereotype. Willis' estranged wife Holly(played by Bonnie Bedelia who now does Lifetime movies such as "A Mothers Right: The Elizabeth Morgan Story) is your strong, independent woman. Unafraid of Gruber and stands up for the hostages. There the comic relief on the terrorist end, Theo, their code breaker who has a constant commentary on the LAPDs ineptitude. And my favorite minor character, Argyle, the blissfully ignorant limo driver who picked up McClane from the airport and is waiting in the parking garage. It takes him about 90 minutes to realize that anything has happened at all. And the look of satisfaction on his face when he knocks out Theo is just outstanding.

The only complete stereotype in the film is Ellis, Holly's co-worker and the exact definition of a yuppie, right down to his coke problem. He gets a pass because of the negotiation scene with Hans but you have to think that if this movie were shot in New York he'd have left the party early because he had reservations at Dorcia.

Most importantly, John McClane isn't a stereotype. The opening few minutes make you worried. He seems like an uptight, uncool, bastard. The way he sits in the front seat of the limo or the way he is somewhat standoffish with Argyle. But he lightens up and you see his sense of humor come through, especially when talking to Hans. While corny at times it really humanizes him and its a nice departure from the mechanized destroyers like Arnold. There's also his conversation with Powell where he tells him what to say to Holly. "She's heard me say 'I love you' a thousand times, but she's never heard me say 'I'm sorry'". A scene which calls for tears. Certainly Stallone couldn't have done that in his late-80's heyday. Richard Gere for sure, but definitely not Stallone.

I said I'd describe every single detail of the movie but after coming this far it seems unnecessary. I've described all the reasons that I love it, and that was the point of doing this. Besides, I didn't want to write a book. But after reading this, if you don't feel compelled to watch it or didn't learn something, I'd be very surprised. I think I made a good case for its greatness, and I'm willing to call it the most entertaining movie of all time. A bold statement, but its true.

Not the best movie of all time. There's been better acting, better scripts, better directors. But pound for pound, nothing tops this on the entertainment scale. You're enthralled for the whole 132 minutes(an unheard of run time with current action schlock) and the ending leaves you perfectly satisfied.

And personally, writing this obsession piece about my un-ironic love of a late 80s action movie starring Bruce Willis makes me look like slightly less of a hipster douchebag, which I obviously am.

None More Black

2008-11-28T20:54:00.003-05:00

A good Black Friday to you and two Spinal Tap references in the last three posts means we're doing good things, but first I'd like to say you stay classy, Wal-Mart customers.

Check out this, 200 people in Long Island trampled some poor bastard who was trying to hold them back from those sweet, sweet bargains. But whats one life in exchange for getting your shitty kids the...something....they wanted? I don't know what the kids want anymore. I just want Left 4 Dead, because I'm so ready for the zombie apocalypse.

Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, and many other news agencies feel the same, its still a holiday. So I don't owe you anything good. But I made an effort to find something that I know no one reading this blog will see and tear it apart just so I can write something. I give you Bride Wars.

Notice that it will be released in the box office wasteland that is the month of January. So remember that we're heading into 2009, Almost Famous came out in 2000, and yet we still take Kate Hudson seriously. This should stop.

No one has sucked the life out of one success like she has. She hasn't done anything worthy of getting leading roles anymore but people keep seeing her movies. "I think we should go see Generic Romantic Comedy this weekend. You know its got Kate Hudson, shes adorable." goes much further than you'd imagine. Think of a band that made one great album in 2000 and garbage since. Would they still be getting the type of support from their label that Kate Hudson gets from major studios?

Maybe this raises the question of the way people value music vs. movies, which I couldn't be less interested in trying to break down right now. Just know that Ghost Rider grossed $115 million in the US alone. Maybe questioning the thought process of the American film going audience is going about it all wrong. Hmm...

As for Anne Hathaway, everyone just started to like you. You've had a string of tolerable or better movies that I didn't see and you've got sympathy from the Us Weekly crowd because your boyfriend went to jail for stealing $24 million or whatever it was. Why ruin all that goodwill with an unfunny Kate Hudson wedding movie?

At least this one doesn't have Matthew McConaughey in it.

Giving Thanks

2008-11-27T14:35:00.002-05:00

I'm not much for tradition. Or worse yet, family. But there are a few things to be thankful for today

1. Amazon is selling seasons 2-10 of The Simpson's for $15 each right now. Go get them.

2. I'm thankful for Chris Johnson's 25 fantasy points by halftime.

and a Thanksgiving Day institution, Arlo Guthrie. Set aside the next 19 minutes.

More tomorrow.

Complete Nonsense

2008-11-26T17:04:00.002-05:00

Some of you probably noticed the lack of blog yesterday. I personally blame my lack of focus. You see, I was dealt a blow yesterday. Given my outstanding, some may say transcendent writing ability, you'll be surprised to know that I am not college educated. Whats that? "Surely you jest?", you say? I'm afraid not.

I was denied financial aid and have no idea how I'll be paying for classes when the money has to be in by December 18th. I handled this by drinking myself into a stupor and watching the critical and box office failure, Be Kind Rewind. Which is worth watching just for the way Mos Def and Jack Black remake Rush Hour 2. But otherwise, not so great.

I'll be accepting donations by the way.

Its not all doom and gloom though as we have an endorsement....

"...funniest things I've read in a while." - Dr. James Dunphy of http://j-dunphy.livejournal.com/

So visit his blog, as he is a friend of our blog.

Moving on to todays thoughts, I don't have many. The only thing that has really peaked my interest is the new Kanye West album, 808s & Heartbreak. As a white person, I like Kanye. And while I wouldn't call it great by any means, consider what he did. He basically decided that hes going to do whatever he wants. Kanye has entered his Jazz Odyssey period. I mean, what else can you call it? He can't really sing, theres a lot of ambient noise, the hooks are barely there. Hes in his own world on this. I don't really care for it but I know it'll have its defenders, and it'll probably be the most polarizing album to come out this year.

(15 minute pause while I stare at the screen)

(5 minute pause while I stare at the 15 minute pause update)

This is hard when you're short on ideas. All I can think about is how much I hate Thanksgiving. So to save you the time of reading whatever garbage I'd spew out in a pointless rant, I'll end it here.

And you'd better hate tomorrow as much as I will.

Short and Horrible

2008-11-24T20:16:00.004-05:00

If you grew up like me, and you probably didn't, your grandfather was a diesel mechanic who really loved TNN(thats the Nashville Network, for those who don't remember what came before Spike TV). I spent a lot of time at my grandparents house, and he sure as hell wasn't changing the channel for some bastard kid. So I watched a lot of TNN too. This meant seeing endless amounts of horsepower bullshit, like mud bogs, tractor pulls, and the dumbest, most bad ass monster truck ever, Snake Bite.

But mostly monster trucks, which I'll admit to loving at the time. All young boys have a fascination with trucks, which thank god I lost. Now I'm just a catty, effeminate writer. Regardless, that experience left me with my first feeling of being embarrassed by what I was seeing on TV. It takes a lot to dumb down monster trucks, but Monster Wars did it with aplomb.

Its really hard to watch, because its one of the least funny things you've ever seen. But its something you need to experience because from this point forward you will always use this as the high water mark for what you'll consider the worst thing you've ever seen.

I give you....Monster Wars.

This may have been an especially tense contest as I was a Grave Digger fan, my grandfather supported Carolina Crusher, which looks like Hulkamania era Hulk Hogan embodied in a monster truck. But more importantly, heres 45 seconds of two men that have obviously just been shit out the bottom of the wrestling industry and had to hope their children would forgive them for what you just saw. At least Grave Digger, better known as Skeletor, whose style hes stolen, gets to wear a mask. Crusher isn't so lucky. This failure of a man beast might still be recognized walking down the street, or being spit on in restaurants(Stuckey's, natually), assuming he hasn't killed himself from the shame.

Spoiler alert, Carolina Crusher wins.

The most amazing part is that he wins the race in 2.78 seconds, and that requires 45 seconds of costumed hype, followed by 30 seconds of screaming by a man who has to cry himself to sleep at night.

Somehow, this show only lasted one season in 1993/94 and the champion was a truck with no mascot, Bearfoot. Bigfoots lame brother. Or so I always assumed. I was 5.

I hope you feel enlightened.

Pardon my tardiness

2008-11-22T19:08:00.003-05:00

Being as my introduction was more then a few days ago, and I am contending for world's top procrastinator, I will continue on my laziness by giving you the following to ponder in the midst of our next entry:

Dominatrix Karl

Fat, Smelly Man on the bus you don't want to sit next to Karl.

I think Fat Karl is overall the more charming, button popping & all.

Defending Regretable Taste

2008-11-21T22:07:00.003-05:00

Its really not my style to do two music posts in a row, and yet, here we are. You see, I'm not exactly qualified to be a music writer because theres a lot of music I probably should have heard and haven't. Its hard though, as a lot more albums are made than movies or TV shows. Whats your album to DVD ratio? I don't fancy myself a music guy and think I have a pretty decent movie collection, and mine is probably still 3:1.

More importantly, my DVD collection is solid. Endless Oscar winners, cult favorites and critically acclaimed indies. My album collection has its quality, for sure. All the essential classic rock, enough metal, indie and rap to speak about them and maintain credibility, and enough ironic choices to win the "whats the worst thing on your iPod contest?"(either Unk's "Walk It Out" or the entirety of Napalm Death's 1987 grindcore opus Scum).

But there are quite a few horrible albums on there as well. For example, I don't own any movie thats as bad as Buckwheat Zydeco's Taking It Home is an album. Though for some reason, its on my iTunes. I don't know if this is a fair comparison. No one who has had iTunes/Windows Media Player/Whatever for more than a week knows exactly just how certain things got there. Typically thats an excuse when people see that you have the entire Yeah Yeah Yeahs catalog, but in my case, it leaves me wondering why I have The Bodyguard soundtrack. Its also made worse by the fact that people seem to illegally download a lot more music than movies. Unless you're on a plane a lot, or just couldn't be less interested in what your college professor is saying, you probably aren't watching movies on your computer. But everyone has an iPod in their pocket or car. You just have more use for music, meaning you're going to need more of it. So you just download anything and everything building your collection even if you aren't particularly passionate about it.

But for arguments sake, lets assume this isn't the case. Its safe to assume that the overwhelming majority of music you have is something you like or something very much like what you like because you bought/downloaded it because of someones suggestion. Or in a scarier situation, something you used to like and are now horribly ashamed of.

Sadly, this is the case for me. I'll out myself now.

I'm young, and like most young people we find it easy top get swept up in trends. Especially when you play music and are in high school. So like many kids who were in high school in 2005, I have a sizable emo collection.

You probably do too. So shut up. More importantly, you might still believe Armor For Sleep was a great band. Thats when you've taken your immediate nostalgia too far. Like the Holocaust, as soon as it ended, no one was willing to admit they were involved in emo. Even as it was big, no one wanted to be called "emo". They'd say pretentious things like "I think its ridiculous to pigeonhole us like that, we're a rock band."

MC5 were a rock band, you have song titles like "Lipgloss and Letdown". Lets not kid ourselves.

But there was nothing wrong with that, it was the style at the time. I'm happy to say that I never had bangs, dyed my hair or had a lip ring. And with the exception of some pictures in me in band shirts, theres no proof of any kind that I was ever an emo kid. Except for the albums that I own, and in a few cases, still enjoy.

Sometimes you need to abandon preconceived notions about what something is or isn't. To say that you love Finch isn't an opinion, its a sentence. It means that no matter what you say from that point forward people will say "He's still into emo, what the hell does he know?". I'll use my uncle as an example. He was over today and his phone rang. His ring tone is "Hot and Cold" by Katy Perry. My uncle is 49 years old, gay but potentially asexual in my opinion, and his main source of pleasure comes from picking fights with liquor store employees. He probably has very little idea as to who Katy Perry is, and being gay hes not into her because of how she looks. He just likes the song, unaware of the stigma that being a fan of that song carries for someone who considers himself as cool as he does. Its admirable, in a way. If someone told you that Linkin Park had just recorded the greatest song of all time, would you even give it a chance? Or would you dismiss it as rock radio bullshit right away? I think most people like myself would do the latter.

This was my part of my childhood though. It might not be the best genre of music thats ever existed, but theres some quality. There were some terrible choices, and I'll get into them. But first, the embarrassingly enjoyable....

Taking Back Sunday - Tell All Your Friends:

It has its moments where its kind of cringe inducing, lyrics such as "the truth/is you could slit my throat/and with my one last gasping breath/I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt" that make you ashamed to own it. But when you really get into it, its a solid album. Its catchy without being to poppy. Not the most talent musicians of all time but John Nolan did an excellent job with arranging the songs and his back up vocals make the album for me. Its no wonder why they never did anything else as good without him, even if the subsequent albums all charted higher.

Brand New - Deja Entendu

I was never into Brand New in high school and I'm not quite sure why, I've only recently rediscovered the album and I really like it. The song titles are a little much. "Good To Know If I Ever Need Attention All I Have To Do Is Die" is a bit much, if you ask me. But otherwise, there are some stand out tracks that I'd put up against anything from this decade. "Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades", apart from being one of 20,000 songs from this era to reference Rushmore has an outstanding, simple, infectious bassline and "Okay, I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't"(another unnecessary song title) is the best song lyrically. Its very minimalist, just a guy and a guitar for the first half, but not in an emo acoustic way. Rediscover it like I did.

Jimmy Eat World - Bleed American

While most would defend this as a pop-punk album, they were lumped into the emo group like so many bands that without the existence of the word "emo" wouldn't have been(Side note: It is extremely strange that Matchbook Romance, Avenged Sevenfold and Gym Class Heroes shared a lot of fans, no?). The title track is a blistering rock cut, "A Praise Chorus" has my favorite lyrics of any song that could possibly be mentioned in this column. "The Middle" had enough cross over success to be performed by my high schools show choir. Its strong from top to bottom and is by far the bands best work.

But there is the bad too. And my is it bad. I avoided most of it, but sometimes I got sucked in. I don't think in depth descriptions of these albums are necessary, but I'll list some of whats on my iTunes...

Underoath - They're Only Chasing Saftety, Matchbook Romance - Stories and Alibis, Senses Fail - Let It Enfold You, Silverstein - When Broken Is Easily Fixed, Atreyu - Suicide Notes And Butterfly Kisses, and worst yet, From First To Last - Dear Diary, My Teen Angst Has A Body Count.

If these are guilty pleasures, its okay. But expect to be endlessly mocked if you openly admit to liking any of them.

Theres one omission from the bad list that a lot of people were probably hoping to see, Hawthorne Heights - The Silence In Black and White. Yes, I did buy it. Yes, I hated it after the first listen and never uploaded it. I should have for ironic/nostalgic purposes, but my friend smashed it against a wall. Thus was ever thus. But to remember it, heres this. And this. And...this.

In the end, I think I can live with myself. I'm not ashamed of what I like, for the most part. We all have a musical past, some worst than others. But we all make mistakes, and if you're lucky, you made decent mistakes, and all can be forgiven.

Unless you liked Boys Night Out...

Outlandish Statements

2008-11-20T19:01:00.002-05:00

Due to a lack of chemistry and intelligence, theres something that happens on NFL pregame shows that is really stupid and really effective. When not talking over each other or pretending to laugh at each others joke, they force an argument. Sort of like what they used to do at Crossfire.

Heres how it works, you have a topic where people have some strong opinions and then one guy decides to step up and take it way too far. Now, for the record, the next thing I'm about to say was never actually said, I don't think...

"What we need now is Terrell Owens in prison becau...hey, no. Let me finish. Because he is a CANCER and with that CANCER you CAN NOT win games in the National. Foot-ball. League."

Right away, nearly everyone in the room is furious because its the dumbest thing they've ever heard. The audience is furious and everyone loves it because now they tune in to see the arguments over ridiculous things.

So in order to get people fighting, I'm delivering a list of opinions here. Remember that I believe most of what I'm about to say.

- The Velvet Underground sucks.

- Metallica's Load is an underrated album.

- The Beatles only deserve about 65% of their fame.

- Emo wasn't the worst thing that ever happened to America

- Aerosmith was.

- Pearl Jam is the best American band of all time.

- The Rolling Stones only have 3 great songs.

- So to put their needless fame in perspective, thats only 2 more than Buckcherry.

- And one more than Duran Duran.

- A cover of any Ramones song is better than the original.

- Radiohead isn't as good as you claim they are.

- Same goes for Tool.

- If at any point you considered Thursday to be the best band in the world, all your opinions are invalid.

- Theres no such this as an 'important' ska album.

- Its acceptable to like the idea of a band better than their music. Its why Motorhead is successful.

- Judas Priest doesn't hold a candle to Iron Maiden.

- Green Day does not deserve our respect for their 'contributions' to anything.

- If the Beastie Boys and their entire catalog just went away tomorrow, we wouldn't miss them.

- Coldplay deserves their success.

- Did I mention that I really hate The Velvet Underground?

The best thing about the outlandish statement? You don't back up a word of it, you let everyone else fight it out.

I Love You, NXE.

2008-11-20T02:20:00.002-05:00

NXE, of course, means New Xbox Experience. Its the new dashboard(if I haven't lost the non-gamers yet, I just did by saying 'dashboard'. When you turn on your console, you see this, so keep with me) that came out yesterday(I was up until 5am waiting to download it) and I'm thrilled with it. Not quite beyond words, because then the post would end here. So here's my thoughts...

The last thing I want to do is turn this into a games or tech blog, so I won't wax poetic about every single feature, but here's the best parts. One, theres avatars now. Obviously this is a reaction to the raging success that was the Mii. Yes you can play games as your avatar. Only three at the moment, one being Uno, but more are coming. It also gives us an animated idea of what the verbally abusive, extremely racist 9 year old that kicked your ass in Gears of War 2 looks like.

If the Klan is having trouble recruiting, really look no further than Xbox Live. For $8 a month they'll get to take the pick of the litter as there is no shortage of kids who just won't stop screaming about how they hate basically every single ethnicity. No one can really do anything about it either, I don't want this to take a serious turn, but just reporting them and clicking 'racist language' doesn't really do enough with some of these people.

Worse yet, the avatar of the kid you hate is probably wearing the same fedora you picked for your avatar first. Naturally, you're furious.

So while 50% are wearing the same fedora, the other 50% are taking the chance to make theirs look high which will be funny to them for approximately eternity. They give you an option to have "tired" eyes, which looks like "stoned" eyes. Microsoft clearly knows its audience. After all, you can't join a room where at least someones gamer tag doesn't end in '420'. Once again, hilarious.

You and your friends can have a party, because real social interaction is over rated. Perhaps you just hate your real friends, this is ideal for you. You all stand there, laughing about similar taste in hats and how your avatar is totally high. Forget the fact that Netflix lets you stream movies right to your console.

I don't do a very good job of selling it, or go into any real detail at all, but Microsoft really gave us a polished, cool platform here. Xbox Live takes up quite a bit of my day, as I have a lot of free time, and this enhances the experience much more than I would have anticipated and it was definitely needed. I don't know how we made it this far without it. After all, you're not paying that $8 just to get called gay.

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Not only did you just sit through a few hundred words about something for Xbox that you don't care about, now I'm asking a favor. If anyone knows how I can watch the season premier of Screenwipe from Tuesday night, I'd be very appreciative.

and for those unaware of Charlie Brooker's work, search his name on YouTube or go to his old site, here. You'll see a familiar title.

Something more relevant tomorrow. Perhaps at a reasonable hour today...

Because video game movies weren't bad enough...

2008-11-18T11:19:00.003-05:00

We've moved onto board games. Check it out. (and for the record, The Guardian is far and away the best paper in the world, this is not debatable.)

The stupidity of this hits home for me. When I went to community college, the first time anyway, I took Intro to TV Production, and how the group of people that took that class were ever piled into one room I have no idea. Hardly the finest Mercer County had to offer, myself included as that was the only class I didn't abruptly stop going to in early September of that year.

But we had all kinds of projects where we had to develop and shoot ideas and group discussions where we would rail against the inanity of Laguna Beach, which was in its final season at the time. You know, the season with the fat girl.

And I have to go off topic a little to discuss that. If you still believe that The Hills is real, you're an idiot. Please take any TV class and learn something about camera positioning. I was watching an episode last night where 3 cameras were on Heidi hanging up clothes in her bedroom. Three cameras. Why? Just in the faint hope that Spencer might walk in the room to make some incendiary comment at that given time? If this were the real, organic show people claim it to be, this would never happen.

Consider that on yet another re-run I shouldn't have been watching, Rock of Love: Charm School, Lacey throws a drink on Dallas and there is ONE CAMERA IN THE ROOM. An event that could spark a bloodbath and there's one camera guy, but Heidi Montag does laundry and gets three. No, that's perfectly reasonable that MTV would pay three camera guys to stand there all day.

Oh, lets also remember that Audrina's own website admits that she was cast for the show. I'm hardly breaking new ground here, but some people still don't understand. But I digress.

In TV Production we were given a project to make a pitch for a show and deliver it to the class. As this was the peak of MTV dating shows, I believe Date My Mom had just started around that time, my group thought of what was tentatively called The Battle. The idea was that two guys, presumably wearing polo shirts and making dick jokes, would fight in a pit and the winner would win a date with the girl who hated her dad enough to appear on this show. Super creative title, I know. We had a half hour for this.

It appeals to people on the most basic level possible, and you know that you'd watch it out of mere morbid curiosity. You know the guys on the Next bus wanted to fight each other, why not let them? You get to watch the lower end of the gene pool settle their difference in a storm of fists and damaged egos, for free at 4 in the afternoon. This is gold.

I pitched this idea to my class, and do you know whose group won?

The group that pitched live action Monopoly.

Now, credit where credits due, they were clearly ahead of the curve here. However, its still the worst idea possible.

Hows that feel Hollywood? Some below average community college students beat you to the punch on this one two years ago. But I'm sure you aren't worried, because sadly, things like Not Another Not Another Movie will probably find its audience. So then who looks stupid?

Me.

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Today Michael would like to mention a low point in his life. "Yesterday I hit bottom culturally when I recognized the host of Scream Queens, Shawnee Smith, not by here role in all five Saw movies, but as the wacky girl Linda on the pretty awful Ted Danson vehicle, Becker.

relaunch news!

2008-11-18T00:33:00.002-05:00

So its been 34 days since the last blog post where I said 'more tomorrow', or something to that effect. Given that there was nothing the next day, or since, some of you(and by that I mean no one) have been wondering where I went.

Well, as it turns out, there isn't a limitless amount of bad TV. Not if you want to write about it 5 days a week and aren't too interested in keeping tabs on decent shows. AV Club has a much better version than I could ever do by myself with TV Club. Why would you come here for a review of 30 Rock when its everywhere? I excel at tearing down the people who really couldn't fall much further. My endless spite is what makes this interesting.

But to survive we must evolve, which is a pretentious way of saying I'm changing it up a little. Now the focus will be all forms of culture. Its going to be opinions on whatever we see fit.

Notice that I say we.

Indeed, there will be a new staff member. I like saying it that way because it sounds more professional. So heading up the Tampa branch of Grief Digestion Theater will be the esteemed Kristen Vasquez. Basically a life long friend and talented beyond compare, I'm sure you'll enjoy her contributions week to week. She probably has more to say about what she'll be doing so I can leave that to her.

As for myself, you can expect a lot of the same, plus a lot of different opinion on the state of television, film, music. Given that all three of those things have massive problems, I'm sure I'll have a lot to talk about.

There are plenty of other ideas brewing too. Its the dawn of a new era with non-stop-white-knuckle blogging action and you've got a front row seat. You lucky bastard.

And if you want to see anything on here, let us know. E-mail us at GDTblogstaff@gmail.com and we will take it under consideration. We aren't that creative, after all.

So the blog is back, spread the word. More tomorrow.

Joe The Plumber

2008-10-16T01:29:00.000-04:00

Well the combination of the debate and baseball completely derailed the blog tonight. There was basically nothing worth watching and then talking about. I could commit an hour to Our 27 Kids on Discovery Health. It would have killed me and no one would have read it.

Butt Sluts was on DirecTV channel 599 at 10p tonight, but that would have been $10 and perhaps a step too far for this blog...

Anyway, back tomorrow.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

2008-10-15T01:25:00.000-04:00

The Paris Hilton's My New BFF well isn't going to run dry anytime soon, so why not keep going back to it? I know I was supposed to review My Own Worst Enemy, I Tivo'd it but once again read other reviews and they say its good. Theres no fun in reviewing whats good so we'll go back to the show that helped me start this blog. And I don't mind doing it.

Episode 3 was probably the dumbest thus far. Paris has the BFFs go to Knott's Berry Farm to ride roller coasters and have pictures taken while doing it because if they can take a good picture on a roller coaster, they can look good dealing with waves of paparazzi. Or something. This is, of course, vital to picking out someone you want to be your friend. Its essentially the equivalent of what happened to Austin Millbarge and Emmit Fitzhume when they were made OIO.(I have really been on the hammer with references the last two days and I demand your admiration)

It basically goes without saying that Onch, the worst person in the history of reality television, had a huge problem with roller coasters. (s)He cried hysterically upon finding out and vomited for show three times throughout the episode. Its hard to find words for how much I hate him, it really is. It goes beyond regular hate, its so much deeper, I loathe him with every single atom that I am composed of.

First of all, look at him(that's him on the right, to the left is Chris Crocker of 'Leave Britney alone!' fame. Why these people were in the same room together and no one opened fire, I'll never know). Its easy to call my hatred homophobic, and he would, but it isn't. Regular gay people, even the ultra fabulous types are nothing like this. This guys act is preposterous. He knows hes on TV and is an over acting, over dramatic, unfunny, outrageously dressed, poxy little cunt and when you feel bad for Paris Hilton because she has to be around this asswipe, you're in uncharted territory on the hatred scale.

Now, four of the BFFs, Brittany, Sinsu, Bryan and Natasha get to join Paris on a trip to Japan for the Japanese VMAs. When they get there some harajuku girls give them $500 to get new clothes and tell them that two of them will be eliminated. Long story short, Bryan says nothing the whole trip and Sinsu gets shitfaced so they're both gone.

Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles, Onch mentions how he can do pedicures so Corrie makes a joke about it because Onch is Asian and Asians run basically every nail place in the country. This, to no ones surprise, sparks a race war. Zui, the biggest bitch on the planet starts the whole "I have to leave before I beat the shit out of this girl" act we see on every MTV reality show.

I hate Zui a lot. This is what she looks like. Do I really have to waste a paragraph discussing why shes the most foul, vile, detestable bag of wank on television? I don't think I do. Shes also naked on the internet for those interested, do a GIS for Zui. Its real gross.

Anyway, if you aren't watching, start. This show is awful, and I love it like you wouldn't believe.

Gah!

2008-10-14T00:59:00.000-04:00

My head hurts, a lot. In fact, every time I go to type something I have this shock of horrible pain shoot into the front of my skull.

Yet here I am, 1:11am EST, telling you(and I mean that in the singular form, I'm sure its just one of you reading this) about The Pick-Up Artist 2.

And I do this for fun...

The show reintroduces us to the biggest tool on the planet, Mystery. I don't know how to describe him besides to say that he looks like this(I'm furious that I had to waste an outstanding Pschyonauts reference on a post no one will read. Here's an actual picture. GET IT!?). Anyway, he goes through life dressed like someone who presumably loves Rammstien, teaching greasy dudes how to hook up with girls and generally make everyone around them uncomfortable. It worked in season one, so why not do it again?

I should say though, credit where credits due, he makes it work. I can't emphasize enough how much he bothers me, and how unattractive he is, and yet, there's plenty of video evidence of him backing up his claim of being good at this. Fair play to him then. I'm saying alcohol plays a big part though.

Like last season, Matador is by his side, his wingman(I think they just say "wing", its cooler that way?) who looks like Dave Navarro, just a bigger or less of a prick. I haven't really decided, and I really hate Dave Navarro. And there's the girl Tara who would look better without her stupid bangs. Shes there to offer a female point of view, or something. Who cares?

Our contestants trying to become the next pick-up artist are as pathetic as ever. Rian is a 27 year old virgin, Simeon chooses to rock the ill advised polo/pajama pants/crocs trifecta, Karl works at Radioshack, Mark is hairy and gap toothed, Greg's voice cracks when he talks to girls, Brain is Asian, Kevin is also Asian and Alex is fat and assumed to be gay.

Rian is a special case as hes by far the most awkward person to ever be seen on television. He walks like he just shit his pants while lurching forward, as if hes been sucked into the gravitational pull of whatever hes walking towards. He wears a tshirt with an unfunny saying tucked into his jeans and is generally just embarrassing everyone around. While trying to pick out clothes during the makeovers he cried. Trying to dress up like a douchebag brought him to tears, yet he made the cut.

Alex, however, did not. Some girl grabbed his fake gaudy, ridiculous fake chain and he said nothing back to her and stood there looking like the sad sack he is. So he had to go.

I summed the end up pretty fast there. You might want to know more, but now isn't the time. Not with my headache. VH1 will replay it 4000 times tomorrow alone, its interesting, not good, but watch it. Its a cringe inducing good time and you might learn some pick up vocabulary.

"Two set"!

Mailing It In

2008-10-11T01:08:00.000-04:00

The best way to endear yourself to the reader is just once you start to get them interested, say, six posts, you get them all excited about the Friday post about the bastardized NBC version of Australia's Kath & Kim and what do you come here and find? Nothing.

Nothing.

Now, allow me to explain why. I Tivo'd(Tivoed? Tivo'ed) it, and now I just can't bring myself to watch it because I made the mistake of reading other peoples reviews of it and now I feel like anything I write will be a complete replica of their smarted, better put together review.

I know you don't come here for serious reviews though, I lack the journalistic skills. As a matter of fact, what I do doesn't really resemble journalism or proper criticism at all. More a guerrilla attack on things that do a fine job of mocking themselves. No one beats a dead horse quite like I do(turning to cliches, another excellent example of mailing it in).

From this point I could go on a long rant involving a big horse metaphor that would probably get less funny with each word, or I could tell you that's what I thought about doing and didn't.

See how this works? Its great!

But for anyone who really wanted to read my thoughts on Kath & Kim, well, I have none. Based off what I've read it should be canceled. That takes all the pressure off when season 2 doesn't roll around.

We, well, I'll be back strong as ever on Monday. Do you doubt me? You shouldn't. The Pick-Up Artist 2 starts Sunday night. As for Tuesday, I'll be reviewing My Own Worst Enemy, which because it interferes with the ALCS, I'll have to watch it Tuesday morning. And if Christian Slater thinks I want to wake up to his in all likelyhood awful schizo spy show then, well, he just doesn't know me at all.

From The Trash Heap

2008-10-09T13:41:00.000-04:00

My biggest help in all this, tvguide.com, has let me down. Do Not Disturb, the bound to be awful Jerry O'Connell/Niecy Nash shit fest, was supposed to be on. It wasn't. It was back to back episodes of the equally awful(presumably) 'Til Death.

So now what do I do besides get ready to hate Do Not Disturb 10x more than I would have when it finally does come on? I talk about whatever I find interesting that doesn't fit in any other post.

(UPDATE: It wasn't on because Fox has officially taken it off the schedule. Not cancelled, but close enough. I regret never getting to suffer through it.)

For starters, I'd like to discuss how much I despise all the new McDonalds commercials. Its been months of it really, so its hard to call them new. But they are the most unrealistic depictions of typical customers of any business on the planet. Everyone is dancing, dressed like The Jonas Brothers and lives in an apartment that looks like an Urban Outfitters. We've all been to McDonalds, we know the greasy truth.

Its insulting to everyone for McDonalds to suggest that your individuality can be defined by eating at literally the most common restaurant in the world. This is why Sonic has the most realistic fast food commercials ever. Ugly people telling bad jokes and stuffing their faces with chili cheese dogs trying to ignore the misery that they're attempting to drown in gallons of Fried Ice Cream Blast(delicious, by the way).

Is Burger King cooler now that "Diddy says BK is open late"? Not really. Though him getting fat really adds credibility to his endorsement.

And inspired by Poltergeist being mentioned on Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia last night, the new DirecTV commercial has to be brought up. A lot of people are up in arms about Heather O'Rourke("They're Here") being used in the ad seeing as she died in 1988 and was only 13 at the time. She was a young, adorable white girl so GOD FORBID her image ever be used in anything except talking about how she was a little angel, and shes probably sitting next to Jesus right now, discussing her appearances on Still the Beaver(aka Leave it to Beaver 2, which has 102 episodes, I don't know why).

Craig T. Nelson is okay with it, I'm okay with it.

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I also feel like I should do what I can to bring you some good TV that you may not have heard of.

That Mitchell and Webb Look is on BBC America and its the best sketch comedy show on television. Sadly, there aren't two many episodes and I'm not entirely sure that BBC America is playing it at the moment. But everything is on YouTube where I've watched most of it anyway. The creepiest example of their genius can be seen here.

The Real Housewives of Atlan...Ahh Who Cares? Who Cares?

2008-10-08T16:22:00.000-04:00

Robert B. Millman, a psychiatry professor at Cornell, coined the term 'acquired situational narcissism' most likely never assuming that there would be such an excellent case study on the disorder as we see on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Its defined here.

"ASN differs from conventional narcissism in that it develops after childhood and is triggered and supported by the celebrity-obsessed society: fans, assistants and tabloid media all play into the idea that the person really is vastly more important than other people, triggering a narcissistic problem that might have been only a tendency, or latent, and helping it to become a full-blown personality disorder."

Those words are embodied in these five women.

What we have here is essentially a blaxploitation version all the other Housewives shows except these women lack any redeeming qualities what so ever. None of them work and they all take extreme pride in the fact that their husbands, ex-husbands or mystery boyfriends all make millions of dollars that they can take.

DeShawn is married to Eric Snow of the Cleveland Cavaliers, Lisa is married to Ed Hartwell of the Atlanta Falcons who I don't think I've ever heard of, Sheree' is divorcing an NFL player she won't name and the odd one out is Nene. Her husband is just a real estate investor.

Credit to Nene for being the only one that's likeable. Not like really likeable, just sort of funny. Her and her husband also keep their feet on the ground, only giving their son $1000 for his birthday. Sure hes 9, but you know how kids want their Bentley's early these days.

The glory of this show is Kim, who can also be referred to as 'the white girl'. She says she doesn't feel white though, and that's why she loves living in Atlanta. She too is divorced, and is also the one with the afore mentioned mystery boyfriend. He is only referred to as 'Big Papa" and has chosen not to be shown on the show in a last gasp effort to retain dignity. We're assured hes a celebrity.

Shes the real life Carly Bobby. Well a cross between Carly Bobby and Sherri Ann Cabot from Best in Show. She informs us that her life basically revolves around designer labels and she wouldn't care if she died tomorrow because she'd 'die in Dior'. At least shes got her priorities straight.

This episode revolves around a party at Sheree's house. Its you're typical 'This party has to be perfect' My Super Sweet Sixteen nonsense with a $1200 cake and valet parking. Everyone makes a big deal about what they'll wear, Kim shows up looking like an expensive, yet middle aged escort and the big shock of the episode is that Nene isn't on the guest list.

I know, I couldn't believe it either.

Sheree's assistant apologizes profusely but to no avail and none of this really matters at all because you don't care, or shouldn't.

Bravo has supplied us with some gold over the years, this doesn't make the cut. It isn't even something you can watch just to hate. I watched My New BFF last night even though i didn't have to for the blog. Why? Because someone might punch Onch in the throat. I hate that show enough to keep coming back.

I'll have to develop a hate scale where I can clearly illustrate where it crosses the line from 'shitty but I love it' to 'I hope everyone on this show dies'.

Hmm. Next time...

CBS Lets Me Down In New Ways

2008-10-07T20:48:00.000-04:00

Without question, Worst Week on CBS is obviously Meet the Parents: The Rip-off. Now, this show(like every show) is a remake of a vastly superior British version(not you, The Office. You're fine), but even that show started in 2004 and I know they'd seen the movie. He res the plot, A man visits his girlfriends parents house and hopes to ask their permission to marry her.

Ground breaking, I know. But there's more.

The father is a hard ass! That's incredible. They should get Robert DeNiro to play him!

But they wound up with a very worthy second choice, Kurtwood Smith, who is still just playing Red Forman. There is a bit of a twist here in that Sam Briggs'(Kyle Bornheimer) girlfriend Melanie(played by Erinn Hayes) is pregnant. This doesn't really make that big of a difference in the grand scale of things.

But here is the disappointing thing, despite the tired formula the show is remarkably tolerable. I'm not going to keep watching it, but if someone were to say it was their favorite show I wouldn't immediately discount every opinion they've ever had, like if they say they love Yes, Dear.

CBS specializes in lowest common denominator trash like Two and A Half Men so its refreshing to see something reasonable. I know that Two and A Half Men has been the number one comedy on TV since Everybody Loves Raymond went off air but I don't care. I hate that show and more importantly I hate post-1994 Charlie Sheen.

So Sadly we've had three straight posts with decent or better shows. I can only spew so much vitriol when I don't hate something with every fiber of my being. But don't worry, I'm watching Real Housewives of Atlanta next...

Monday Ramblings

2008-10-06T16:21:00.000-04:00

I specialize in abject failure, let last night be no exception. I failed to watch or Tivo anything reviewable. The Angels/Red Sox game took 5 and a half hours and that was pretty much my night.

However, I did get to see Little Britain USA and The Life and Times of Tim on HBO West around 1:30 this morning. Its the second episode of both so a lot has probably already been said of them already, but then again, how is one man expected to catch the premier of every new show of the fall season? Have you seen either of these shows? I say unlikely.

I'll start with The Life and Times of Tim, which as it turns out, is much better than all the promos have made it seem. It comes across as an animated Curb Your Enthusiasm/cringe humor type show but the situations are more outrageous and are even less likely to happen in real life. For example, in last nights episode Tim is asked by his boss to refer to himself as Tim Sanchez because there aren't enough Latinos in upper management with predictable yet genuinely funny results.

It has its weak spots. Sometimes Tim's deadpan just doesn't work and the jokes fall flat, and there was a NAMBLA joke(in this case Newly Appointed Minority Business Leaders of America) that was unnecessary not because its inappropriate, but because South Park really cornered the market with NABMLA jokes years ago. Overall its definitely worth watching, the only problem is its on after Little Britain USA.

Which brings us to that.

I don't hate Little Britain, it has its clever moments, but its far too reliant on crudeness for laughs from two guys who are actually really funny. David Walliams and Matt Lucas are good writers but a lot of it seems to go to waste on naked, disgusting characters. Too much is based on easy stereotypes and dick jokes.

Where it excels is just how hilarious everyone looks. The make-up and great British tradition of cross dressing shines here, but you just wish they'd keep the costumes on. The show has been a huge hit in England for years and I think it translates well for the American audience but i don't think its found its niche on HBO.

Random Episode: Destroyed in Seconds

2008-10-02T23:20:00.000-04:00

This blog will mostly be dedicated to bad or presumably bad television so I'm taking this opportunity to watch something enjoyable. It might be enjoyable on the most basic levels, but we've all got some blood lust, so far be it from me to turn away from the occasionally literal train wreck, Discovery Channels Destroyed in Seconds.

The title paints a pretty clear picture of what you'll get to see. Incredible explosions, buildings collapsing, and well meaning recklessness ending in the worst way possible. This show does what a dumber show, Maximum Exposure, doesn't show and that's actual death. Morbid Curiosity ensures that you don't turn away when a crane collapses into a water tower and throws a man 250 some odd feet to his untimely demise.

Our host is Ron Pitts, who you may know from Fox's NFL coverage and his cameo in Hot Shots: Part Deux!. Hes a step up from the extremely annoying Cam Brainard on Max-X, who is made more irritating as hes credited as 'Smart Aleck Announcer Dude' which is the most vomit inducing credit you'll ever see. Destroyed in Seconds lacks the campy comments and slapstick sound effects Max-X had and that's appreciated more than anything.

The show has some great moments of comedy though, surprisingly after a plane crash in the episode i was watching. Two Russian pilots had a mid-air collision, they both ejected safely and one of them, before checking on the wreckage, before checking on his partner, he lights a cigarette. Proof that nicotine is a great stress reliever once more.

So if you want to enjoy a lot of explosions and a lot of mindless fun but don't want Nicholas Cage to be involved, Destroyed in Seconds is the way to go. Consider this a stamp of approval. I have no catch phrase...yet.

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I also wanted to talk about whats going on with this blog, something of a mission statement. I'm reviewing something I haven't seen before of think will be extremely stupid Sunday night through Thursday night every week and posting basically 5 days a week.

There wasn't a post yesterday because i was locked out of the blog because Blogspot thought my Paris Hilton review looked like spam. A rough start but I'm back and will be posting late Sunday night/Monday. Its okay because it got me out of watching the Americas Got Talent finale. I don't know who won. I don't care.

I still don't know what to watch Sunday night, it might be Iron Chef America. If you don't want to read about it(I don't want to write about it), I'm taking suggestions.

Paris Hilton's My New BFF

2008-09-30T23:17:00.000-04:00

As we've all seen and hopefully never cared about too much, being Paris Hilton's best friend isn't the easiest of jobs. That didn't stop a bunch of desperate to be on tv pillocks from lining up for the slaughter. Willingly being Paris' best friend is like signing Terrell Owens to your football team, or putting a gun to your head and pulling the trigger just to see if you're the one who doesn't die. There will doubtlessly be a sudden yet inevitable betrayal. And none of these poor dolts will see it coming.

The potential BFFs are all invited out to a party at Les Deux(where else?!?) while Paris lets us know that being a best friend is a business, and nothing is just for fun. She demonstrates this as she watches the contestants on CCTV with her aunt and perpetually silent boyfriend Benji Madden who doesn't speak an audible word in this episode. His mouth opens twice, but hes just mouthing the words.

The potential BFFs are standard fare when it comes to reality shows. Several underwhelming contestants, several who a certain beyond a shred of a doubt that they've got what it takes to be hated by Paris in six months, and one outrageous Asian American man-lady named Onch who wears a technicolor pretzel necklace.

But he isn't the only one with outstanding attributes, oh no. Athena can't stop talking about how she can teach Paris about sorority life. Brittany looks like an American Apparel model that has spent the last two nights sleeping in a gas station bathroom. Vanessa has a lot of post acne scarring. And Kayley Gable informs us right off the bat that shes Clark Gables one and only grand daughter, which is how she starts every conversation shes every had assuredly.

After the party Paris sends a group of girls off in a car with a gift bag that contains blindfolds and new Blackberrys. The blindfolded girls are driven to the airport where there get a "PARISTEXT"(like Tyra Mail, but...well, for the equally stupid. There's no joke here) informing them that they aren't BFF material and they'll have to go the hell home. I wonder if Paris will keep paying to keep their new phones on?

Everyone else is taken to the McMansion that looks like every other reality show house and everyone is informed that their luggage has been "lost". A clever rouse by Paris, no doubt. Fear not though as everyone is taken to Van Nuys Airport where they'll be getting makeovers in an airplane hangar from the Heatherette guys, Paris' homosexual yes men. They go from person to person telling them how they should look, laying on the peer pressure in a way that you didn't think existed outside of anti-drug PSAs. When Bryan, Sinsu and Michelle refuse to be made over, they are cast out and must sit in the corner by themselves. They will also be forced to wear the same clothes they've had on for two days to the InTouch magazine party.

At the party its brought to Paris' attention that Kiki said she doesn't want to be there. Of course, people are in a rush to tell Paris because this happens in every reality show. So at elimination its Kiki vs. Michelle who looks like she ran to auditions from the Rock of Love 7 set(she admits her breasts are fake. Her lips and hair look none too convincing either.) After much deliberation, Paris decides to get rid of Michelle because she wouldn't dye her fake blonde hair fake black and that's a deal breaker in the world of overbearing BFFs, apparently.

So you couldn't expect much less from this, its exactly what we want/despise. Expect Onch to be on The Soup every week for as long as he stays on the series(side note: after his makeover he looks a lot like Margaret Yang from Rushmore). 11 episodes to go and whats got to be an inevitable season two. We wait with baited breath.

(Also, the show that premiered after this, Man and Wife, was quite the curiosity. Its Fatman Scoop and his wife in some bizarre relationship advice/absurdist molestation comedy. Its worth checking out before the cancel it three episodes from now)